We broke up tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
We broke up tonight
27
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:33am

Hi everyone,

I want to thank everyone who posted on the other thread and gave me their take on my situation. Well, I approached him tonight. He had a weird look on his face and I asked him what was wrong a couple of times and finally after saying nothing was wrong, I said that I knew something was wrong and he finally told me.

He said that he isn't ready for a committed relationship and didn't want to lead me on, that he can't be with me and that he can't give me the time and attention that I deserve in a relationship. He is missing his alone time and isn't getting his work and other computer things done like he'd like ( has side jobs he does for people), is ignoring them some (I took it that he was spending this time with me instead). So he's feeling badly about that. Yep he is a work-aholic.

He said that he thought he was ready for a relationship, but when he found himself falling in love with me, he pulled back because he really didn't feel ready (that is when I noticed the change in his behavior toward me). I knew there was some distance there at that time and thought maybe it was a phase he was going through and I tried to ride it out, but I think I knew in my heart something was wrong with him and that it had to do with being in a relationship. So I guess my original gut intuition was right in that he has commitment issues.

He told me the many traits he likes about me and said, had he been ready, I would be the one he would be with. He assured me it wasn't me or anything I've done, but totally him, which I know is true as I gave it everything. This should make me feel better knowing it's his commitment issue, but it is very frustrating knowing we care alot about eachother, but he just isn't willing to make a change in his life to accomodate me.

My gf thinks that he may have some serious damage from a past relationship and can't get past that, and that I am better off without him ...who knows I guess. She said that he will either realize after having me in his life for these past 4 months, that life without me isn't so good and will come back, or he will stick to his I'm not ready for a relationship and I won't hear from him. So I am not contacting him and just seeing what happens, although being the total "non swaying from his agenda-type person" that he is, I do not expect him to change his mind and I'm not counting on it.

I guess I should be happy that I didn't get into a longer range relationship with him before I found this out, or I'd be hurting much more than I am now. But as I said, it is really frustrating because it's not anything I did, according to him (and he did reveal that many times I was a distraction for him when he was on the computer and I was watching tv, not the tv distracting him but him wanting to have sex with me instead of working, but he didn't give into those urges!). He holds his feelings in really well. But that did make me feel better knowing that I did affect him after all, when I thought I was having no impact on him!

But when I was gathering my things up from his place, he couldn't quit hugging and holding me, like he didn't want to let go of me. He wanted me to get a few of my hanging clothes later and I said no there was no use in going through this all over again. Then he called me when I got home and said he felt so bad for hurting me so much, that I didn't deserve that at all, that I was too good for him.

We talked for awhile and rehashed the same issues and I told him that I thought there was something causing him to feel that he couldn't be in a relationship, possibly something from his past, because it was his *choice* at *not* wanting to work through a relationship, not that he *couldn't* do it, as he had said - that everything we do in life is our choice. I also said that I hoped that he could figure it out or I thought he'd end up a lonely person. I also said that I felt he had a lot of love to give and it was sad that he couldn't open up and let someone in to share his love with.

I ended the conversation saying I'd let him get back to his work and he said he was just sitting there in a daze and didn't know what to do. Oh also, I am really really PMSing today, so I am EXTRA emotional and I had many tears tonight, yet he kept wiping his nose sniffling and was sneaking in wiping his tears, but I saw him. He said this was the hardest thing he's ever done. Whatever!

So that's that I guess. Time for me to move on as I really don't think he will have missed his cake that much to want to get it back in his life, that would require of him to go out of his comfort station and compromise, which he isn't willing to do.

So I have cried, but I know I'll get past this, and maybe a little easier since I know it is mainly his issue and not mine. Geez it's hard to find the right person! Yet, even though it hurts now, I am glad I gave it a chance.

Thanks for listening. I hope eveyone is having a good weekend.

The down side of Sunshine

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 1:56am

I'm sorry to hear that, Sunshine. Even though it's clearly his issues that make the two of you not right for each other, it still hurts when a r'ship you had hopes for ends. Yes, of course you'll get through it, but it'll take some time to regroup and move on. Keep us posted on how you're doing, ok?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 2:42am

I am so sorry, ss2. You are such a neat, caring woman - I give the guy credit for realizing you deserve more than what he can give or wants to give. One day you too will realize the same.

((( H U G S )))

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 6:41am

SS - I'm not buying it. Has the guy ever had a relationship before? Was he ready for that one? What was different about you and him?

My doubting and pessimistic mind believes in the theory that most people don't leave one relationship without something else to step into.

I think he deserves the sell crazy treatment:

http://www.moviesoundscentral.com/sounds/asgoodasitgets/hump.wav

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 7:55am
Oh sunshine, I'm so sorry. I'll never understand the concept of leaving someone for whom you are falling in love because you're not ready for a relationship. That doesn't make sense to me. You are a wonderful woman and this dude is right about one thing - you deserve a good relationship with a good man who can give himself to you completely. I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. I hope it heals soon.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 9:26am

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm still trying to make sense of it myself, it is so strange.

I forgot to mention in my OP, he did want us to continue to see eachother but to slow it down, and by that he meant see eachother less, like only on the weekends (where we had also been seeing eachother one evening during the weekdays usually). I said there was no sense in doing that because it would only prolong the inevitable breakup because he didn't want a relationship and it wouldn't change his mind on letting anyone into his world. I also said he was just trying to make it easier on me and by dragging it out it would make it harder in the end for both of us. So he reluctantly agreed. He may want me in his life, but on his terms only. Well relationships takes compromise.

I also found out the longest relationship he had been in was only 9 months, so it does seem to be a problem for him. And it's been a few years since he was in anything longer term, which is actually short term for him it seems.

He sent an email this morning saying he hoped I was doing OK and that it made him physically sick that he had hurt such a wonderful person. In a way I'm glad he is hurting about what he did. He also said that he'll call me later. Why does he want to continue to talk to me???

I do feel better today. Thanks again for your encouraging posts, you guys are great.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 9:42am

Here is a guy who can't face up to the consequences of his choices. He finds a girlfriend but doesn't want a relationship. He breaks up with you but still wants to see you sometimes, emails you, and now intends to call you.

I really admire you for the way you handled this break up. I'm glad you didn't fall for the "but we can still see each other once in a while" line. Please be strong, don't take his calls, don't respond to his emails. He made his choice and you have to get over him.

This would be a good time to pamper yourself, see friends/family who love and appreciate you. Then get back out there and find the guy who thinks togetherness is a good thing!

Take care!
amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 9:48am
I'm so sorry....I wish I had something to say that would help, but I've been there and it hurts like hell...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 10:21am

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As I was reading sunshine's email, I found myself thinking that as well. Experience tells me that is usually the case.

But another thing that jumped out at me was when he said he misses his alone time. I don't know how old this guy is, or how long he has been single, but a lot of people, myself included, think they really want to be in a relationship but when they are, start to appreciate the upside of not being in one. I know it's weird, especially when you're putting in the time, money and effort to do OLD, but I do think a lot of single people have gotten way too comfortable being single to share their lives with someone else. And lately I've started to worry that I'm one of them. I also see this in the comments of some of my recent dates. (One divorced guy told me he thinks married people should live in separate houses.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 11:06am

Yeah I don't buy that excuse either.

"I'm not ready for a relationship..." needs the unspoken two final words to be put mentally along with it, "I'm not ready for a relationship WITH YOU."

I know it's hard to hear these words and we almost always want to give the person the benefit of the doubt. But in all honesty, it's an excuse and a nice way to say "I'm just not that interested."

Good luck. Don't spend too much time pining for this guy.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 11:08am

Ugh, sounds like it's time to implement the no contact rule. C'phobes have trouble even committing to breaking up, so I think that's what's going on here...he's ambivalent about it so he wants to keep in contact. I would send him an email saying that you need to not have contact with him for a while so you can move on, and that he should ONLY contact you if he changes his mind and decides he's ready to move forward with a r'ship (I personally would also make him going to counseling a condition of getting back together, as I don't believe you just "get over" commitment issues on your own). Otherwise, you'll contact him when you're ready to be friends.

He also is probably calling because he feels guilty for hurting you and wants to make sure you're ok. That's all well and good, but any contact is going to prevent you from moving on, so you want to nip that in the bud.

Sheri

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