We broke up tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
We broke up tonight
27
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:33am

Hi everyone,

I want to thank everyone who posted on the other thread and gave me their take on my situation. Well, I approached him tonight. He had a weird look on his face and I asked him what was wrong a couple of times and finally after saying nothing was wrong, I said that I knew something was wrong and he finally told me.

He said that he isn't ready for a committed relationship and didn't want to lead me on, that he can't be with me and that he can't give me the time and attention that I deserve in a relationship. He is missing his alone time and isn't getting his work and other computer things done like he'd like ( has side jobs he does for people), is ignoring them some (I took it that he was spending this time with me instead). So he's feeling badly about that. Yep he is a work-aholic.

He said that he thought he was ready for a relationship, but when he found himself falling in love with me, he pulled back because he really didn't feel ready (that is when I noticed the change in his behavior toward me). I knew there was some distance there at that time and thought maybe it was a phase he was going through and I tried to ride it out, but I think I knew in my heart something was wrong with him and that it had to do with being in a relationship. So I guess my original gut intuition was right in that he has commitment issues.

He told me the many traits he likes about me and said, had he been ready, I would be the one he would be with. He assured me it wasn't me or anything I've done, but totally him, which I know is true as I gave it everything. This should make me feel better knowing it's his commitment issue, but it is very frustrating knowing we care alot about eachother, but he just isn't willing to make a change in his life to accomodate me.

My gf thinks that he may have some serious damage from a past relationship and can't get past that, and that I am better off without him ...who knows I guess. She said that he will either realize after having me in his life for these past 4 months, that life without me isn't so good and will come back, or he will stick to his I'm not ready for a relationship and I won't hear from him. So I am not contacting him and just seeing what happens, although being the total "non swaying from his agenda-type person" that he is, I do not expect him to change his mind and I'm not counting on it.

I guess I should be happy that I didn't get into a longer range relationship with him before I found this out, or I'd be hurting much more than I am now. But as I said, it is really frustrating because it's not anything I did, according to him (and he did reveal that many times I was a distraction for him when he was on the computer and I was watching tv, not the tv distracting him but him wanting to have sex with me instead of working, but he didn't give into those urges!). He holds his feelings in really well. But that did make me feel better knowing that I did affect him after all, when I thought I was having no impact on him!

But when I was gathering my things up from his place, he couldn't quit hugging and holding me, like he didn't want to let go of me. He wanted me to get a few of my hanging clothes later and I said no there was no use in going through this all over again. Then he called me when I got home and said he felt so bad for hurting me so much, that I didn't deserve that at all, that I was too good for him.

We talked for awhile and rehashed the same issues and I told him that I thought there was something causing him to feel that he couldn't be in a relationship, possibly something from his past, because it was his *choice* at *not* wanting to work through a relationship, not that he *couldn't* do it, as he had said - that everything we do in life is our choice. I also said that I hoped that he could figure it out or I thought he'd end up a lonely person. I also said that I felt he had a lot of love to give and it was sad that he couldn't open up and let someone in to share his love with.

I ended the conversation saying I'd let him get back to his work and he said he was just sitting there in a daze and didn't know what to do. Oh also, I am really really PMSing today, so I am EXTRA emotional and I had many tears tonight, yet he kept wiping his nose sniffling and was sneaking in wiping his tears, but I saw him. He said this was the hardest thing he's ever done. Whatever!

So that's that I guess. Time for me to move on as I really don't think he will have missed his cake that much to want to get it back in his life, that would require of him to go out of his comfort station and compromise, which he isn't willing to do.

So I have cried, but I know I'll get past this, and maybe a little easier since I know it is mainly his issue and not mine. Geez it's hard to find the right person! Yet, even though it hurts now, I am glad I gave it a chance.

Thanks for listening. I hope eveyone is having a good weekend.

The down side of Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:05pm

Thanks again everyone. Yeah he called a little while ago and I didn't let him know I was feeling sad. He wanted to know if I was ok - I said of course. Then he wanted to know how I slept, etc. which I said fine. I don't feel another woman is involved here, but I guess that's always a possibility. I think it is mainly about his issues of commitment and him liking to be alone. Well he can be alone with his computer now all that he wants. I think he will miss me, but probably not enough to want to change things.

Sheri, I think you are right that c'phobes, as you called them, even have a hard time commiting to breaking up! It's like he can't quite let go of me. I think you are right in what you said and that I need to tell him I can't keep talking to him, because I do feel sad all over again after I talk to him. It's like part of me wants to keep talking to him, but I know it isn't good for me in order to move away from this. To make matters worse, I live near an airport and everytime I hear an airplane overhead it reminds me of him, since we went flying together many times.

Well I am off this afternoon to help a friend plant flowers. Then we'll get cleaned up and will go to dinner and a club afterward, which I'm not sure I'm ready to go to a club. But it'll be good to get out since I have gotten used to spending my weekends with him. I'm lucky to have a great friend who's there for me when I need her.

Well, have a great day everyone.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:29pm

I'm not jumpin' on the "another woman" bandwagon either. Not sure about the c'phobe thing either. I don't believe there is such a thing. In time you'll realize he did you a favor. Wouldn't you rather tune into life rather tune out (which it sounds like he's kinda doing)?

Have a weekend just for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:42pm

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear this. What is up with these men we've chosen this time of the year?

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:54pm

Sunshine,

I'm sorry it had to work out like this. After reading about him, it does sound like he has some issues to work through, and maybe your gf is right about a past relationship. I know it does really hurt, but just hang in there. You're right, you gave it a shot. It's very tough to find the right person - but no one should ever settle. You deserve a guy who is absolutely right for you.

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 3:41pm

ahh sweetie how you are doing better. mee too just went this same BS 8 weeks ago, of course the flags were there and I chose to ignore them because there was so much there chemistry and compatibility wise. but I will not go there again and I do agree you handled it well

but exactly what your guy said my guy said similar things but of course he is back on OLD now.. not sure how long but i just saw his profile last week. I am not .. it hurts and you dn't want to believe it was you and maybe your were not the right one for him but i think you did right in looking back and seing what his other r'ships were like. He may have fears of intimacy and getting close adn if you read up on it you will see the signs they are very blatant, most guys like this cannot get close to anyone..

but i have to agree w/ sherri's post too:"
Ugh, sounds like it's time to implement the no contact rule. C'phobes have trouble even committing to breaking up, so I think that's what's going on here...he's ambivalent about it so he wants to keep in contact. I would send him an email saying that you need to not have contact with him for a while so you can move on, and that he should ONLY contact you if he changes his mind and decides he's ready to move forward with a r'ship (I personally would also make him going to counseling a condition of getting back together, as I don't believe you just "get over" commitment issues on your own). Otherwise, you'll contact him when you're ready to be friends.

He also is probably calling because he feels guilty for hurting you and wants to make sure you're ok. That's all well and good, but any contact is going to prevent you from moving on, so you want to nip that in the bud."

I did the same thing and he wanted to still be "friends" i said I could not do that. He has attempted to call 3 times. but again I agree if he wants to come back if has to be on the above terms Sheri mentioned.. you will fidn someone else that is ready to commit just watch for signs early on .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 5:06pm
Good grief, Sunshine, what a kick in the stomach! One thing's for sure though, people who are willing to take chances in life (like you) are going to end up having had much more interesting, fruitful, and even satisfying lives than those who are scared to get out of their cozy comfort zones. And for what it's worth, (and I don't mean this lightly) a nice cup of tea always improves any bad situation for me--you might just try it. Take care and hang in there. tea4all
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 5:40pm

I'm so sorry... You're right. It's better you find this out now than months or years down the road. I know that doesn't take away the pain though.

Take today or tomorrow and treat yourself extra special--pamper yourself! :)

Keep reminding yourself that he's missed out on a wonderful woman. And at the end of the day, you don't want anyone who is dumb enough to let a good thing get away...

*hugs*

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 1:27pm

Thanks KITB,

Yeah I agree with you in that he is probably tuning out on life. I think he was just too much of a loner for me actually because I love to be around people. Life goes on...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 1:48pm

Hi Peanut,

The funny thing about it was when we were talking Friday night and were ending it, he couldn't stop caressing my arms and back, running his hands through my heair, all the stuff he hadn't been doing the same for the past 2 or 3 weeks. It seems to me like if you want to end a relationship with someone you wouldn't continue to keep touching them and then calling them! I did ask him to quit calling and he has, but I do miss him and I'm still pretty sad.

I went out last night to dinner and then to the clubs with my gf, but all I saw were drunk people there and it wasn't fun, so we came home. I didn't think it would be a good idea, but I went anyway. But I guess it was better than staying home and thinking.

You said, "...Well, trust me, one day he will regret his decision because you had everything to offer..." Thanks Peanut, that's nice of you. Glad you're feeling better also.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 2:16pm

Thanks Eric,

I know you have been down also about dating and I wish you felt better about it. It sure sucks at times! Thanks for your encouraging words Eric - yes I do deserve a guy who's right for me!

Sunshine