We broke up tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
We broke up tonight
27
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:33am

Hi everyone,

I want to thank everyone who posted on the other thread and gave me their take on my situation. Well, I approached him tonight. He had a weird look on his face and I asked him what was wrong a couple of times and finally after saying nothing was wrong, I said that I knew something was wrong and he finally told me.

He said that he isn't ready for a committed relationship and didn't want to lead me on, that he can't be with me and that he can't give me the time and attention that I deserve in a relationship. He is missing his alone time and isn't getting his work and other computer things done like he'd like ( has side jobs he does for people), is ignoring them some (I took it that he was spending this time with me instead). So he's feeling badly about that. Yep he is a work-aholic.

He said that he thought he was ready for a relationship, but when he found himself falling in love with me, he pulled back because he really didn't feel ready (that is when I noticed the change in his behavior toward me). I knew there was some distance there at that time and thought maybe it was a phase he was going through and I tried to ride it out, but I think I knew in my heart something was wrong with him and that it had to do with being in a relationship. So I guess my original gut intuition was right in that he has commitment issues.

He told me the many traits he likes about me and said, had he been ready, I would be the one he would be with. He assured me it wasn't me or anything I've done, but totally him, which I know is true as I gave it everything. This should make me feel better knowing it's his commitment issue, but it is very frustrating knowing we care alot about eachother, but he just isn't willing to make a change in his life to accomodate me.

My gf thinks that he may have some serious damage from a past relationship and can't get past that, and that I am better off without him ...who knows I guess. She said that he will either realize after having me in his life for these past 4 months, that life without me isn't so good and will come back, or he will stick to his I'm not ready for a relationship and I won't hear from him. So I am not contacting him and just seeing what happens, although being the total "non swaying from his agenda-type person" that he is, I do not expect him to change his mind and I'm not counting on it.

I guess I should be happy that I didn't get into a longer range relationship with him before I found this out, or I'd be hurting much more than I am now. But as I said, it is really frustrating because it's not anything I did, according to him (and he did reveal that many times I was a distraction for him when he was on the computer and I was watching tv, not the tv distracting him but him wanting to have sex with me instead of working, but he didn't give into those urges!). He holds his feelings in really well. But that did make me feel better knowing that I did affect him after all, when I thought I was having no impact on him!

But when I was gathering my things up from his place, he couldn't quit hugging and holding me, like he didn't want to let go of me. He wanted me to get a few of my hanging clothes later and I said no there was no use in going through this all over again. Then he called me when I got home and said he felt so bad for hurting me so much, that I didn't deserve that at all, that I was too good for him.

We talked for awhile and rehashed the same issues and I told him that I thought there was something causing him to feel that he couldn't be in a relationship, possibly something from his past, because it was his *choice* at *not* wanting to work through a relationship, not that he *couldn't* do it, as he had said - that everything we do in life is our choice. I also said that I hoped that he could figure it out or I thought he'd end up a lonely person. I also said that I felt he had a lot of love to give and it was sad that he couldn't open up and let someone in to share his love with.

I ended the conversation saying I'd let him get back to his work and he said he was just sitting there in a daze and didn't know what to do. Oh also, I am really really PMSing today, so I am EXTRA emotional and I had many tears tonight, yet he kept wiping his nose sniffling and was sneaking in wiping his tears, but I saw him. He said this was the hardest thing he's ever done. Whatever!

So that's that I guess. Time for me to move on as I really don't think he will have missed his cake that much to want to get it back in his life, that would require of him to go out of his comfort station and compromise, which he isn't willing to do.

So I have cried, but I know I'll get past this, and maybe a little easier since I know it is mainly his issue and not mine. Geez it's hard to find the right person! Yet, even though it hurts now, I am glad I gave it a chance.

Thanks for listening. I hope eveyone is having a good weekend.

The down side of Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 2:31pm

Hi Rosema,

I am sorry that you had to go through something like this also recently. I do feel better some today, but it still hurts. This guy claims he isn't going to date for a long time now, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is back online soon looking for a girl who will put up with barely seeing him, to his parameters for a relationship.

I do believe he has a problem with getting close to a person and letting his love show. He had me fooled for awhile and I think he may have really wanted to have a different realtionship this time, but when he got close to getting it, he just couldn't do it and put what was needed into making it work.

Yeah Sheri's post was very helpful to me and I did email him and tell him not to call me anymore as it made it hard to move on and that if he changed his mind and decided he was willing to work at a relationship between us, that he could call or contact me then.

He called me before he read that email after he got out of work on Saturday (as he always does) and I talked to him some and then told him basically the same thing. I said you don't want a relationship with me yet you want to continue talking to me as we have been and I can't do that and move on. His voice got weird and we said goodbye shortly after that. I know the rejection hurt him, but it had to be done. So he hasn't called since then (last night).

So I just keep moving on. Thanks for your encouraging words Rosema.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 2:46pm

Hi Tea,

Yeah he wasn't willing to go out of his comfort zone and that is what is so sad about the situation, when we had many good things about us. But he makes it sound like he can't be in more of a relationship with anyone. I told him it was a choice on his part, not that he can't, but that he won't.

I am a tea drinker also and enjoy it alot. Thanks Tea for your kind words.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:46pm

Hey sunshine - I am so sorry this had to happen. I know I can't say anything that hasn't already been said and you have gotten some great advice so I won't try. Just know that you are in all of our thoughts. But I just want to also add that I think you handled this so well. Especially the flat out telling him that he needs to leave you alone so that you can move on. You said:

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Well, I'm sorry - I don't feel badly for him. The rejection hurt HIM?!? What about his rejection of YOU? The continued contact is what he is trying to do to make it easier on himself and so that he can still get what he wants out of this relationship without thinking of you and giving you what he needs. I hope he listens. You need him to stay away and let you heal and get past the pain. If he doesn't do that, he is not being respectful of you and what you need.

Best of luck. Feel better soon.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:49pm

it's funny the day my guy and i broke up he was sweetest can be to me to...opening my car door for me,making sure i was ok, and all that.. sweeter than ever... i think it has a lot to do w/ the guilt of hurting you..

but he will be sorry that is for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:56pm

Sunshine you totally did the right thing!!!

"He called me before he read that email after he got out of work on Saturday (as he always does) and I talked to him some and then told him basically the same thing. I said you don't want a relationship with me yet you want to continue talking to me as we have been and I can't do that and move on. His voice got weird and we said goodbye shortly after that. I know the rejection hurt him, but it had to be done. So he hasn't called since then (last night).
"

This is exactly the same thing i did and he did respect what i said and agreed.. but he contacted me about a month after and we talked briefly a few times but nothing more.. I still miss him but pain free, just have moments where i think of him and how well we fit.. but i have moved on and accepted it.

I for one know how hard it is, especially when you thought you fit so well. I have had several dates since M and still have not found someone i feel fits as well as he did, just we had the same values and communication styles and things that I knew I could tolerate. he never really got under my skin except not being able to spend more time.

unlike today i had a guy great guy i went out with, but he just got on my nerves after awhile. ugh!! nice guy but I could not tolerate him for more than 2 hours.. M never did.. I chose to stay w/ him because i could tolerate him,not much he did that didn't fit well for me, but when it came down to not committing I could not tolerate that..

sorry. but someone else will be a good fit and be able to commit.




Edited 5/22/2005 4:59 pm ET ET by rosema1
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:00pm
Oh sunshine, I'm so sorry! I just picked up this post. There isn't much I can add that evryone else hasn't said already. Just know I'm thinking about you and wish you a "speedy recovery"! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:18pm
sunshine, im sure the others gave wonderful advice. just know there is a guy who is just as great, if not better than this guy, and who will be ready to committ. sometimes it takes a day to find him, or a year - but it will happen. having been thru many of those datin senarios "not ready" -- i know there is light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes I wish people would know how to work thru such things - such as asking you 'hey i am not getting my stuff done, i want to be with you but right now i dont have alot of time. i will make it up to you when things settle down'. honestly if a guy said that to me, i'd understand and work thru it with him. people go thru busy times and unfort people tend to break up rather than work through things. i really believe that this guy may have inexperience that you'd have to be patient with. maybe a good thing things didn't work out. if he does come back around - just take things slow and really communicate with him. sorry sunshine. boy do i know how you feel right now.

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