Weight an issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Weight an issue?
9
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 5:42pm

Hi everyone, I am new here, and when I found this discussion I was excited! let me introduce my self first, my name is Kellie, I am 21 (22 in august) and for the past 2 or 3 years, have been meeting nothing but losers. I will be in a relationship for about 6 months, then the guy doesnt turn out to be what I hoped he was. So I turned to online dating. I am on OKCupid. Well, I met this guy on there, and we have been talking for about a week now, and he wants to meet, the only problem is, I think I am bigger then he things. I have not misled him, he has seen pictures of me, but of course I did not put up pictures that make me look fat! lol. We were talking the other night, and he said something like "What is your body type, I can't tell from your pictures" and I said "I am a bigger girl" and he said "well your 5'5... what are you, like 130 pounds?" 103 POUNDS? who considers that to be a bigger girl? Truth be told, I am a plus size girl, so that was somewhat insulting to me. I really like this guy, and I want to meet him, but I am afraid of meeting him, because how horrible would it be to meet him, and him not talk to me again, or not want to date me bacause of my weight?! I don't know if I am making a bigger deal out of it then there should be? But, as you can probably tell already, I do not have the best self-esteem. I guess I just want to see if anyone else has had any similar experiences. I mean, short of saying "Hey, I just want to warn you.. I am a fatty" what can I really do here??

Thanks guys!
-Kellie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:07pm

Welcome...I'm not familiar with that site, but most profiles on most dating sites allow you to choose a body type to describe yourself...is that not the case with OKcupid?

In any case, with respect to this guy, he might be someone who's really hardcore about weight (in which case you probably shouldn't meet him) or he's just clueless about what women weigh (I think many guys just have no idea).

But the fact that he brought it up would lead me to believe that your size is really important to him...so I (being a bigger person myself ;-)) would probably decline to meet him, especially since it's your first meeting and you might be especially vulnerable if you're not used to the rejection that is very much a part of doing OLD.

And since you're new to OLD, if you do decide to meet him, I would just caution you to remember that you don't KNOW this guy, so you "really liking" him is pretty much based on projection, not reality. It's pretty common to think you have a connection to someone online and on the phone, only to have it fizzle completely when you meet in person. So...my point is, be positive and optimistic and hope for the best, but don't have any expectations until you meet in person, and don't be surprised/disappointed if you don't hit it off in person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:09pm
He may just really have no clue. I couldn't tell you what size/weight someone was, I wouldn't even try to guess. It may have been an innocent comment on his part. I had one guy way underestimate my weight (by 40 lbs or more) even though I had the weight listed (ok, I fudged a few pounds, but not more than 10) and a full length photo posted. OTOH, if weight is really that much of a concern to him, that's his problem, not yours. Try not to let it affect your self esteem (easier said than done I know).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 7:21pm

Wow.. I never really thought of it that way, just because we have a lot in common online, and on the phone, really Doesnt mean that we will hit it off. Thanks for bringing that reality to me!

Even though he brought it up, we were talking about our looks, it wasnt that he just said out of the blue "so.. what body type are you?" and he did tell me that he likes a bigger girl.. but then again, what is a bigger girl? to some it may be a size 10 and to some it may be a size 20!

I think that I am making to big of a deal about this, like you said rejection is very much a part of OLD.

Thanks for the help!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 7:24pm

Ah, ok, in that context it doesn't sound so bad.

I say meet him for a cup of coffee in a public place and see what happens...you'll never know unless you try! Just keep your expectations in check.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:54am

Hi Kellie,

I'm rather chubby myself (but shorter than you, and much older) and I have some of the same concerns. What I've been doing is making sure that the guy knows in advance that I am obese. So I think the conversation you had with him was probably helpful.

What I'd do before meeting is bring up the weight issue again, and mention something along the lines of your being a "plus size" and you hope he is one of those guys who finds that a turn on instead of a turn off. If you approach it with the spirit that "some guys like it this way" (because there's more of you to love, of course) instead of "I hope you can accept me this way even though I know I am flawed" you are more likely to get a positive response.

If, after you've discussed it again, he still wants to meet, go for it. Some guys really do find large girls sexy.

Of course, don't forget to meet in a public place, make sure at least one friend knows where you are and with whom, etc. etc.

Best,

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 3:03pm

I wouldn't hold his weight guess against him. Guys are clueless when it comes to weights! He might think that 5'5" and 130 is actually pretty fat, even though it's totally NOT!

Maybe he dated a 5'5" girl in the past and she was fat, and she told him she weighed 130... without mentioning "when I was 13". So he's thinking "gosh, if she's 130 and she's that fat..." from now on.

All you can do is be honest. Show pictures that are what you really look like, tell the truth, and go from there. What matters is whether he's into you or not. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:23pm

For what it's worth, I just came back from a date where the guy proudly mentioned that he had, after some dieting, lost 30 lbs. Although he is taller than I, what he weighs now is the same as I weighed a month ago, five pounds more than I weigh now. (I did not tell him this, of course.)

The good news is: he enjoyed himself in my company and asked me for a date next weekend.

So sometimes weight isn't as much an issue as we fear.

(But of course, I am still dieting.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:25pm

Hi Kellie:

Please don't worry about this guys error about your height/weight. Most guys are clueless in that department. I'm assuming he's about your age, so he's probably not that experienced when it comes to dealing with women.

I think you should go for it. At the worst, it will be a learning experience for you, sort of building blocks for the next guy and the next. All that experience will pay off when you finally meet "the one".

Good Luck. I'll be pulling for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:38pm
I wonder where you find these men?