Well, we talked...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Well, we talked...
11
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:33pm

First, thank you Sheri and iteach for your responses to my original post.

He called tonight and I took the advice of everyone that said stay calm and talk to him. Basically I said I was not happy about not seeing him this week. He said, "Well, I just have so much to do on the boat." He then reminded about how he told me that when summer comes he's always on his boat. I then reminded him that we were supposed to be making a compromise on the weeks when I couldn't make it.

I said that if we continue with the current schedule, I wouldn't see him for another 2 weeks and I said it was NOT acceptable. I asked, "Is this OK with you?" He said, "Well, I don't think that will happen. We've never gone THAT long without seeing each other!" That didn't answer my question. I pushed a little harder. He said that he does miss me not going with him, but he's fine on the boat by himself. So I guess it would be OK to go that long? He said no, but he's OK with being by himslef if it that's the way it is. I said I was not.

He then made a little joke about me experiencing "seperation anxiety". I didn't laugh. He then tried, "Well, at least winter is longer than summer." I was a little sarcastic, "Woo hoo. Lucky me."

I said I really miss spending time with him like we used to. What can we do to come to some sort of compromise or a situation that is agreeable to both of us? He thought for a second and said he would make an honest effort to spend at least one evening during the week...starting next week.

"So, I guess I'll only see you on the weekends if I come down to the boat?" "Yeah, pretty much."

He then started with the we're in a transitional stage speech. I said I know that (thanks guys!), but I did not want to be the one who'll be making all the adjustments. He needs to bring someting to the table too. He didn't have a suggestion, except to say that we'll just see how this goes and make any changes as we go along.

One of the last things he said was, "You'll see. You'll feel better about things when summer comes. You'll be spending more time with me on the boat." I couldn't help but think this whole conversation just flew over his head.

So, I don't feel great about how this turned out. It's apparent that he is not going to give up time on the boat for me. I have to deicide if that's acceptable. At this moment it is not. I need time to digest all of this.

I'll bring up meeting his daughter again, depending how things go over the next few weeks. Who knows. It may not matter.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:53pm

Well then you need to make him "get it".

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:43am

I agree with SP, this conversation isn't finished. He didn't *really* offer any sort of compromise...and maybe that means he's not willing to (in which, better that you know now), or maybe he needs to think in specifics. Next time you talk, maybe you could say something like, "you know, we really didn't come up with any solutions to our dilemma about you spending every weekend on the boat. I'd really appreciate it if you could come up with a couple of specific things you'd be willing to do to compromise and I'll do the same, then we can compare notes next time we see each other" or something like that.

And for your part, are there things you can do to, say, clear your schedule one day every other weekend so you can join him on the boat?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 6:01am

>>He then started with the we're in a transitional stage speech. I said I know that (thanks guys!)

Uh-oh - you don't think he's reading the board?...

From what you posted his reaction seems fairly normal. I know if I had an activity that I had been doing a lot while single and suddenly became attached - I'd probably want to keep doing that activity. So that in itself does not seem as odd.

I think you do need to keep talking as others here have suggested. It may just come down to a decision of whether you're willing to settle for not being more of a priority.

If he keeps brushing it off and not taking your conversation seriously I'd consider that a fatal move on his part and begin the launch countdown.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:45am

I appreciate all your advice so much. Thank you.

What SP said about making him spend time with me won't work. I think it's a great idea, but he goes to his boat no matter what. Thunderstorms don't keep him away. A move like that would not be appreciated by him and would probably only annoy him.

And I would love to take a day to spend on the boat as Sheri suggested, but it's about 3 hours away. Not exactly a day trip, which is one of the reasons why he spends the whole weekend there.

And LG, I so wish he did read the board! And not just for my posts. I do think it's a case of my not being a priority in his life and here's why:

I had an epithany this morning while I was driving my daughter to school. Now correct me if you all think I'm wrong. I remember reading on one of the boards a while ago that for the "right person" he would be more than willing to offer more of a compromise or give it up completely. If he *really* missed me wouldn't he think, "Gosh, I'm going to loose this wonderful person who came into my life if I don't do something" OR "I really hate being away from her. I'm going to do what I can to be with her"? It seems to me he would. I may just not be that person for him. Yeah, I'm OK, he likes me well enough, but...

A quick story. My late husband was an advid skier. Any free moment was spent on the slopes. I absolutley HATE winter, snow, etc. But as we became became more involved, his time on slolpes became less...without my asking. He just "naturally" wanted to spend time with ME. I did compromise and accompany him on some trips. I would sit in the lodge and read or go for a walk and we'd reconnect at the end of the day. Even after we were married that's was the way it went. It never changed.

My point is that if my current BF had any kind of real feelings for me, he would be doing something similar. I just seems to me that if you really care about someone you'll do your best to be with them...no matter what "stage" you're in. I know that may seem idealistic, but I don't think it's unrealistic.

I'm also thinking about what amjay said about her musician BF...I think he's giving me what he can at this time in his life and it just may not be enough.

Ill be giving this more thought over the next few days only because there really did seem to be something there and I'm not sure I just want to chuck it so easily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:28am

I've been thinking more about this (oh, oh)

You know, there are thousands of women who are widdowed without the benefit of the insurance payout: golf, football, fishing (know one of them!), work (ditto), hockey season (most of this country!!) and of course Music Boy's wife of 15 years. They seem to have a totally different perspective on their man than I did and their relationships seem pretty together.

I grew up in a boy's household, even my mom was a sports freak! Years and years of waiting for the games to finish Wednesday/Saturday nights (hockey) and Sunday afternoons (football) in order to get my dinner! LOL

***

<>

I'm curious about one thing he said, about this is how the spring/summer always is but the winters are different. This may be his compromise: 3-4 months he's boat-mad and the rest of the year he's all yours.

As to giving it up -- fuhgettaboutit! I don't think it's fair to ask for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:50am

<<>>

Not necessarily. Have you never had something you were passionate about, and was so important and consuming to you that you didn't want to give it up?

He has his boat. For one, that's an expensive hobby. I'd resent being asked to give up much time with something I love - especially if it costs a lot to have and maintain.

I keep mentioning horses as one of my top priorities. VERY expensive hobby. Plus, we aren't talking about an inanimate object. They have to be fed, groomed and exercised. They are living things that need DAILY care which can take HOURS out of every day. Any guy who whines about not being important enough for me to take a pass on the horses is out of my life.

How about flipping the coin? If YOU cared about HIM, you'd do your best to be on that boat at least every other weekend.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:32am

Hi Sisfox... Thanks for your esponse. I totally understand what you're saying and agree with much of it. I do not expect him to give it up entirely. That would just be selfish, regardless of the cost of his interets. What I was hoping for was, at least, an effort on his part to spend more time with me. I don't think asking him to head down to the boat on Sat morning as opposed to Fri night is asking a lot nor is getting together when he returns late on Sun afterrnoon.

I do like the idea of spending time on the boat. I love the ocean and have hardly been since I've moved to the hills of Connecticut from the sandy shores of Long Island! The things that have kept me from going with him are responsibilities to my daughters. Spring is a very busy time for them...proms, dance recitals/plays (and the rehearsals that go with all that), spring concerts,etc. They're very active kids and need me to drive them to all these things. In addition there are some things I won't miss with them. I can't. Also, I'm the only parent they have.

But no. I never had anything that was all consuming. I do love photography, buy I can do that anywhere, anytime and, for me, it's the kind of thing I have to feel inspired to do...more of a whim.

I do appreciate the side you're presenting and have asked my self some of the same things to ensure I wasn't being too one sided.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:48am

amjay...had to respond to the sports widow thing. My mom was a football widow and growing up I never thought much of it. A few years ago I asked her about how could she just sit there season after season and not say anything? I mean my dad did NOT move from the one TV that we had. She said that he was her husband and that's what he did. But I think you have to keep in mind that it was different time. Vey few people got divorced and when they did it was almost scandalous! Women had a different "place" in relationships (?). It was still pretty much the dark ages as far as womens "rights".

<>

I think that's true. I've thought about that and need to consider it further.

No, I don't excpect him to give it up totally. I had included that because it was part of the original post I mentioned.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:54am

If you really like him (and this isn't the beginnings of you're really not that into him so you're trying to figure out a reason to break things off ;-)), then I'd give him a while longer. Change doesn't happen overnight...I'd be willing to bet that it probably took your H a while to change his skiing habits and you're just remembering the fact that he *did*. Give him some time to THINK about it...you might be surprised at what he ends up doing. Or not...but at least you'll know that you tried your best.

And you're not giving up things that are important to you in order to be with him, are you? I know you're thinking, Humph, how can a *boat* be considered in the same categorty with my *kids*! But right or wrong, the boat is as important to him as your kids and their activities are to you. *Both* of you need to be flexible.

Spring will pass...the kids' activities will lessen, and you might be able to get away for a Friday night on the boat, and come back on Sat afternoon every couple of weekends. And he might modify his schedule so he goes down on Sat morning rather than Friday night every couple of weekends. And summer will pass too. Look at the big picture, as amjay suggested, and see if you could live with that. It's fair if you can't...but if you really like him, don't reject the idea out of hand.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:25pm

<>

Sheri...I almost got goose bumps reading that. Here's an excerpt from an email he just sent me:

"I think this "transition" from winter to summer will pass quickly. Between your responsibilities and my needs (I.e. spending weekends at the boat) it is tough but soon school will be out and my weekday evenings will open up so things should settle down. Hang in there!"

Um, have you two been talking?

Ok, so maybe there is a light at then end of the tunnel. God, just so much to consider.

I just want to make sure I don't settle and then wake up and regret it a few months down the road. We've talked so much about that here in the past and it always made sense and seemed like an easy goal...until now.

It seems that there is a fine, and perhaps, fragile line to be walked when one's own needs, and those of another, are being considered. Especially in romantic relationships.

Pages