What am I doing wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
What am I doing wrong?
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 4:00pm

Ok, so I have been on POF for almost 3 months now and in that time, I have met 4 different guys. The first two guys I just didn't feel that "connection" with them after meeting, but I gave them a fair chance and went out with them at least one more time to make sure things wouldn't work. I then let each of them know that there just wasn't that spark there for the relationship, and we went our separate ways. Well, the past two guys have been the opposite... With the next guy, we met up at a local brewery for dinner, then spent some time walking around the downtown before taking a drive. During our drive, we decided it would be fun to park and walk to the beach, so we did just that. During the walk, he put his arm around me and we just kept talking. Needless to say, the date lasted over 5 hours and I thought it was great. We then talked for the next few days and planned date #2 as a dinner during the week. So, we met for dinner and talked and things went well. He walked me to my car at the end of the date, we hugged, and he told me to give him a call in about 1/2 hour when I got home. So, I called him about 45 minutes later and got his vm, left no message and figured he would call back since he knew i was calling. Next day...nothing, so I called at 9pm, got his vm again, and left no message. Finally, at 9:30 I sent him a text asking if i said or did anything to turn him away. I didn't understand what happened because the last time we talked was when he told me to call him and that was the end of that.

Moving on to the most recent guy... We e-mailed back and forth for about a week before exchanging numbers. Our first conversation on the phone was pretty short, but it was good. The second conversation we had on the phone lasted almost 2 1/2 hours and he just drew me in because of how much we had in common and how easy we carried on the conversation. We didn't talk for a few days and he sent me an e-mail saying how amazed he was with our conversation and he looked forward to meeting soon. The weekend came and he called me friday night, but i was busy so i called him saturday afternoon and left a message. We talked finally sunday night for over 2 hours and I got off the phone smiling because of how much I already liked what I learned about him. He is a very confident person and I looked forward to seeing where things took us. We made plans to meet up for lunch the following day (yesterday), since he has a pretty flexible work schedule. Next day comes, we meet for lunch and talk and he told me how relaxed he was when we talked on the phone and when we were eating lunch. He said that typically he is multi-tasking and has short, 10 minute, phone conversations, but with me he is able to just relax and talk, same with lunch. We talked about family, pets, food, our jobs, and he was saying how relaxed he felt and how nice lunch was because he usually doesn't sit down and have a long lunch like this. Comes to the end of lunch and we walk outside, he says he had a good time and that we should do this again, we hug, and go our separate ways. I decided to send him a text, about 2 hours later, saying "Hey, thank you again for lunch today, it was nice to finally meet. I look forward to hanging out again soon." He responded with, "Thank you for joining me. I had a good time also." I then went on POF this morning and he was also on. I noticed that he deleted all the e-mails I had sent to him. So, now I question whether or not I will be hearing from him again. It is hard not to wonder why he was so general with his text message, or why he deleted all my e-mails.

Has anyone else had experiences like mine? I haven't given up hope on the most recent guy, but I just don't understand what I do to make these guys just disappear. I always make a point to let a guy know I'm not interested, if we have met in person. I know that people will just up and disappear when you are e-mailing, but I figure that once you have met, it is respectful to at least tell them you aren't interested, rather than leaving them hanging. Also, should I give him a call/text tonight or tomorrow night, or just leave it up to him to contact me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 10:07pm

Yep, happens all the time. I had dinner a few weeks back with a man who was so kind to me, complimented me on my looks, that I looked better than my picture, asked me all sorts of questions about me. After dinner he had me walk him up and down the main street of our town. While we walked, he kept saying how he would call me from the business trip he was going on the next day. He said the next time we get together it should be in his neck of the woods, he even gave me his home address.

I sent a thank you email the next day, because he paid, the dinner was expensive, and I actually had a really good time. He wasn't on Match the whole time he was a way, but he never called from the trip. He never called when he got back. I did something I never do and sent another email a week later (when he HAD been on match again)saying that I was confused because he said a, b, and c to me, he went on and on about people not lying in relationships, honesty, and yet...he didn't call. I said even a short, 'thanks but no thanks' would have been ok.

Never heard from him. I don't understand it, either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 11:45am

My best friend and I are on Match and I swear we have this conversation all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 6:46pm
Hi there. Leave it up to him to contact you. You have made it clear and the ball is in his court. I think by nature, men are chickens. We look for closure to move on and they would rather not deal with it. Good luck.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 10:55pm

Oh, you're so cute to think that people actually act right just because you have met in person, LOL!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 12:55pm
I'm a guy and new to this whole thing. I can only guess what these guys are thinking. Maybe they see other women express interest in them besides you, they are probably dating other women and decide some other woman is a better match or maybe some other one is just plain "hotter". I'm not quite sure why all the B.S. about how much they are into you, when they clearly weren't. Maybe they are really just looking for a hookup and they are laying on the compliments thick and when you didn't throw yourself at them after a certain amount of time and effort they decided you were too much work to get the easy hookup. It's all speculation on my part but it seems from what I have read there are apparently a lot of men who on those sites for just that purpose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 2:56pm

Just a few thoughts on the disappearing-versus-saying-you're-not-interested topic:

At the E-mail Stage (which wasn't your question, but this is some kind of a lead-in)

Disappearing is pretty much standard procedure without regard to gender. My own experience is that, at least with initial e-mails to women, approximately 3/4 get no response at all, 1 in 8 gets a "no" and 1 in 8 gets a positive response of some sort.

From reading posts on this very board, it seems that - while opinions are divided - there are more who would rather get no response (to an initial e-mail) than a "no." I suppose the thinking is that, even though the result is exactly the same, receiving

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 3:58pm

Wow, yetanotherguy, that was entertaining and informative. If you're this much fun and playful to boot on your dates, I can't imagine you're still *loose.* But then, so am I, she said, laughing at herself.

The compliment thing is another story, but it seems to boil down to the same carrot gruel soup, doesn't it? He went home and thought about the evening and it just didn't move him, although, at the time, and perhaps with the help of a glass of wine, well, he was into her for those hours.

Or else he's getting his pesky little ego expanded. He compliments. She purrs. He feels good because she's obviously interested. He could have her, he knows he could, or at the very least, he could have a second date. But wait. There's that blond that wrote and he's checking his e-mail and there she is again, so maybe he shouldn't move too quickly with the first one because the blond one...oh, look. A lawyer lady in a short skirt, holding a briefcase.

Ok, what am I doing here? It's happened to me too. The great date, the e-mail afterward, more e-mails, and then nothing.

I even wrote one guy and told him I didn't like being on the back burner. That got rid of him fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 7:14pm

I think what

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 4:00pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 3:09am

I suppose the quick, and slightly easy response to that post would be: So then I assume you won't mind being told you're literal-minded and have no sense of humor?

But that would be a mistake, for at least three reasons:

- It's a more snotty thing than I'm usually inclined to say.

- From your previous posts, you've generally been sensible, and someone I'm more inclined to agree with than the reverse.

- At the end of the day, what one person finds mildly spoofy, another considers utterly inexplicable and irritating (like, for example, The Three Stooges).

Humor is tricky, while the lack thereof - whatever it may be called: earnestness perhaps? - is a piece of cake. Which is why those who opt for the former (or at least make a stab at it, however ill-executed) are generally found "loose."

Edited 7/7/2009 3:10 am ET by yetanotherguy