What am I doing wrong ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
What am I doing wrong ?
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 10:19am

First a little background information. I am single and have been single for about 2 and 1/2 years. Prior to that I was engaged to a man (Kevin) who I had a very deep connection with. We were together for about 3 years all together but he passed away due to cancer.

I allowed myself to grieve and was able to move on after about a year.

So now I'm dating, but I also have some health issues. I have damage to some of my nerves, and I'm also quite spastic (stiff) at times.

I get lots of first dates, and some second dates but things don't seem to go any further. Or the ones that I am interested in aren't really. If I'm not interested those seem to be the ones who pursue me.

I get some guys who are interested, but they are focusing on sex and little else.

Not sure what to do. I don't put information about my health issues online because of safety issues. And I avoid focusing on it when I meet my date. But some do ask a lot of questions or are repelled.--- I have a brace on my hand, so its a bit difficult to pretend that it isn't there.

I went on a date last weekend and the guy texted me after saying that he was concerned that he wouldn't be able to take care of me. I replied that I wasn't interested in that, and didn't need it.

I was thinking more of another date, not jumping ahead to a future. Other guys have reacted similarly, just not as bluntly as this one.

So any advice ? I am optimistic, but not sure how to approach things; obviously something in my technique is off.

Thanks for everyone's advice in advance.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 10:26am

If the only evidence of your health problems is a brace on your hand I would not think that is what is really keeping you from dating (after all you had a relationship in the past).  I know people with more severe handicaps, like blindness, who were able to find someone to get married.  I have no idea what is keeping you from finding someone--whether it's something you are doing or just bad luck.  I'd probably vote for bad luck cause I don't think it's that uncommon for people to go on a lot of first dates when they meet someone from OLD and then not have 2nd dates--I think it's more common for that to happen when you meet people from OLD than if you met the person IRL and then they asked you out.  I wonder if you shouldn't also try meeting guys another way, like some activity you are interested in--first of all, they'll see you in a situation where you might be wearing your hand brace but see that you can engage in activities so that will be a non-issue, plus when you have a common interest you tend to meet people you are more compatible with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 11:07am

Thanks for your comments.

I do get out and do other activities, but I live in a small town and there aren't really many places to meet people. Most of the people I meet are women (most of the activities I go out and participate in are a bit feminine). I do eat out, and try to look approachable but most men won't come up to me.

Part of the problem is that I am white and I am not attracted to white men. I am attracted to asian, black, and latino men mostly. There are very few minorities in my town. The guys I am attracted to Iive mainly in a large city that is 30 or 40 minutes away from me.

I don't feel comfortable going into the city, to meet strangers. I am 41 and single for the reasons listed in my previous post. I'm not a bar or club goer, so I started looking online. I have no problem with meeting men from a dating site as long as I get a good vibe.

Unfortunately, the guys want me for sex and little else. In the past 3  weeks, I've gone out with 4 guys. One guy was polite but turned off by my hand issue. One of the others said Thanks but I don't want to deal with your issues.The other wanted a sex buddy.

The next one acted very sympathetically at first, and things were going well. We planned to get together this weekend. Then he changed his mind saying " I don't want to just hook-up casually, I want something long-term and to settle down." He then says he didn't think I could do that.This was in an email.

I was angry about this one because we planned to get together on the weekend and have a date, not to hook up. I am getting sick of guys wanting me for sex and nothing else. I don't have casual sex. I need a strong emotional connection.

Why do guys keep acting like this ? What can I change to make them treat me more respectfully? My profile is classy, and my pictures are flattering, but not slutty.

I want to meet a nice guy who will treat me with respect and caring. Any suggestions ?


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 4:49pm

I've done OLD on and off for a few years, and if I could answer the question as to why men act the way they do, I would.

Not to be insensitive, but how significant is your hand problem? Is there any way you could meet without a brace on? I say this because like it or not, most people make up their mind very quickly upon meeting, especially from OLD. If there is something that turns them off a little, they may be scared off. 

But here's the thing: most meets don't work out anyway. Really. I met a few possibilities (I'm 58), but have not met "the one" at this point. I too am not into casual sex, but I haven't had guys hit on me right away either. Unfortunately, you just have to keep meeting them until you find one. There's no way to predict who you will hit it off with or not. Some people say match.com is more of a "meat market" and that eHarmony is for more marriage-minded people. I'm on match.com, myself. 

BTW, I make it clear in my profile that I'm educated and like art and culture, but that doesn't stop the truckdrivers posing with their prized trout from contacting me. Nothing against truckdrivers mind you. I don't think a lot of men even read your profile. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 9:45pm


Hi. As others have said, online dating can be rough. I met my wife online. She actually contacted me first. However, I had to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my princess. Also, from my own personal experience, dating at age 41 isn't as easy as dating at age 31. So, patience and perseverence are necessities for success.

One thought is to check out other online dating sites. Different sites get different crowds. I met my wife on Frumster.com, a site for observant Jews, which got a higher percentage of serious minded individuals than other websites I tried. There are numerous online dating sites. Take a look to see if any might be better suited for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 11:10am

Well of course you are vastly limiting the number of men by being a white woman who wants to date men from different ethnic groups.  Unless you live in an area of the country where white people aren't in the majority, like say you lived near a city that has a large population of black men--you still have to narrow down that population to the black, Asian or Latino men who want to date white women.  I work with mostly Chinese people--there are some Chinese/white marriages but I can tell you after being here 15 years, the majority are white men with Chinese women and not vice versa.  I can only think of one couple where the woman is white.  I mean you can't force yourself to be attracted to people you are not but it's hard to believe that there is not one white guy you would find attractive and you are really limiting your choices even more.

I believe there are certain OLD sites that do cater to interracial dating, though, plus if you are religious at all, the dating sites that are for more religious people might have more guys who aren't just interested in sex.  I do have to say though that I did OLD in my 40's and then again in my 50's and I really never once met a guy who just wanted casual sex.  What I find interesting is that a guy wrote you to say that he thought that you just wanted a hookup--what made him think that's what you wanted when you said that your profile is classy?