What are your personal "rules" for OLD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
What are your personal "rules" for OLD?
9
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:50am

I'm pretty sure everyone on here is familiar with the rules book for OLD.
Some of the advice is pretty much common sense and helpful when it comes to online dating...some of it I leave to the opinions of the author. You take some and you leave some is my approach... In a year, I've been on 4 dates, 3 of them I had bad luck, except for one (who turned out to be a decent guy). Just by reading some of the posts, I think a lot of problems and frustrations could've been prevented if we didn't ignore the signs and the red flags or trusted our instincts. Just wanted to know what are some of your personal "rules" when it comes to OLD? Here is my list so far.

1. READ EVERYTHING in his profile, and e-mails to me. If he talks more about himself and doesn't really ask me questions or seem interested in getting to know me, then that is a sign he's self-absorbed OR not really into me.

2. Does he have a lot of baggage? Does he come across as angry or hostile in his profile?

3. Primary photo. Is it a clear headshot? Does he appear like a friendly person? I prefer to see a smiley photo in his primary shot. It's more welcoming. If he's wearing sunglasses or standing far off that you can't see his face, he may have something to hide.

4. I skip "just looking for friends" or "just trying this out, or just looking" headlines. I have friends here, why do I need to go online to find them?

5. If he doesn't write much in his profile, he's probably not much of a talker or boring.
Does he follow up on the back and forth emails or does it take days to respond?

6. Is the whole profile or majority of the stats filled out? Or does he leave a lot of important things blank? (such as age, height, if he has a job, if he's been married before)

7. Does his profile line up with what he tells you in person? I've had two guys lie on their profiles about their weight, height, AND if they've been married before. Big red flags.

8. Does his e-mail response to me sound sincere, as if he read my profile or does it look like a copy/paste (to possibly several different women)?

9. Is he looking for a long-term relationship or just "fun". Look for the signs. If he starts talking about sex right off the bat...then there's your answer. NEXT!

10. Distance. I'm not up for long distance relationships. Just my personal preference. They have to live no more than 50 miles from me.

okay, your turn :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 2:21pm
Nobody? Anybody? (guess this has been asked before but put differently)
I'm still a newbie :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 2:57pm

I'm sure this is old OLD news, but I don't want to emailor phone too much before meeting. I made that mistake a time or two. If they aren't really interested in a meet, then they aren't really interested.

I avoid the bitter and the biased and the "babe" magnets. A smiling picture and a humorous profile goes a long way with me.

First meets are coffee or a quick drink.

I'm sure others will have many more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 4:01pm
I blocked my instant messagers from them. Yes, we meert online, but we should know each other from a real life, if he's interested in me, email me or call me or meet me, no online chatting time waster.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 5:25pm

I never waste any time on the guys that are seperated. No exceptions. Even if they have been seperated for a few years...get it overwith already!

Also, I also agree that emailing and phoning should not go on for too long. I learned that the hard way. You do not "get to know someone" online. Those are just carefully chosen words that anyone can send in an email. It takes meeting in person to know if you click with someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:31pm

consistently poor grammar is a deal-breaker for me (as in sole-mate, lol).

Profiles where their "ideal date" is filled with "any" over and over again...what do they need nothing more than a pulse??

Profiles where they go on and on about how their ideal date "should this and should that"....a real turn-off. Just tell me what you like. I'm not interviewing for a job.

No picture is a warning for me because I feel it's likely that they're married or in a relationship. If they're having too much trouble picking a time & place to meet, I suspect the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:32pm
Oh, and never sleep with them on the first date. Haven't broken this one yet.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:27pm

I was looking over all these rules and think you should have them, but also just go with the flow and enjoy yourself. I met my BF online almost two years ago and from the old OLD on this board may remember it wasn't a smooth ride (from both of our parts). Guess what? We all have baggage, we just all carry it differently and bring different pieces into different relationships. You just have to be aware of it and think before you react. Ohuge thing...you can't take any of it personally...we all have our dislikes, likes, agendas and baggage. If it isn't working, just decide to date other people, it doesn't mean you have to continue sleeping with the person just figure out what it is you want.

My bf is a completely different person than when I first met him...he was also different after 6 months, a year, and 1 1/2 years and has really grown into someone I can truley call my best friend. I was always the first to want to throw in the towel when I was unsure of his intentions...i'm good at starting over (that's all the fun stuff) But I realized I was reacting to the way other people treated me in the past and taking it out on him when I had no idea what was up with him...I just always assumed the worst. And yes, at one point he did show me the worst.

At that time we took a break and I started dating again, until he realized he really wanted to be with me. I wasn't deeply into a new relationship yet, there were a few on the horizons, but no fireworks. Since then he has done everything he could to rebuild the trust. I still have those days where I am unsure, but have learned to try to work through it and most importantly, talk to him about it.

I wanted just to go through some of your dealbreakers, just to look at the otherside of them. I, by no means think you should change them if they are all that important to you. But realize they may not be as bad as they may seem. Just keep an eye out for them, but no reason to cut someone off if you are enjoying there company. It doesn't mean you need to sleep with them, make them your significant other or marry them by any means. Just enjoy yourself with the process.

1. READ EVERYTHING in his profile, and e-mails to me. If he talks more about himself and doesn't really ask me questions or seem interested in getting to know me, then that is a sign he's self-absorbed OR not really into me.

...here, words are just words. do what men do, if you find them attractive open communication with them. Remember, everyone puts there best foot forward for the first 6 months...what they say might not really be who they are.

2. Does he have a lot of baggage? Does he come across as angry or hostile in his profile?

...Guess what? We all have baggage. If they can recognize their baggage, that is a good thing. Plus, how do they handle it. do they blame everyone else for it? Or do they take responsibility for where they are in their life? Of course this doesn't come out too early in a realtionship.

3. Primary photo. Is it a clear headshot? Does he appear like a friendly person? I prefer to see a smiley photo in his primary shot. It's more welcoming. If he's wearing sunglasses or standing far off that you can't see his face, he may have something to hide.

...Yup, this is big. But if your not sure, what's the worst thing that can happen, you have coffee with another human being for a half an hour and practice your communication skills and figuring out what it is exactly your looking for.

4. I skip "just looking for friends" or "just trying this out, or just looking" headlines. I have friends here, why do I need to go online to find them?
...Of course, this is good. But you might find one of these guys attractive. Just don't put too much effort into it. Again, go have a good time, but don't think this is the one or that you will be the one to change him. Remember..."a girl has got to eat"

5. If he doesn't write much in his profile, he's probably not much of a talker or boring.
Does he follow up on the back and forth emails or does it take days to respond?
....it is tough to open up to complete strangers, I found it rather difficult to do. You are putting yourself out there for everyone to critique.

6. Is the whole profile or majority of the stats filled out? Or does he leave a lot of important things blank? (such as age, height, if he has a job, if he's been married before)
...some of those fields are very easy to fill out, so if they aren't you might want to pass them up. But just think, it make asking questions and getting to know someone easier. You don't know the basics about them.

7. Does his profile line up with what he tells you in person? I've had two guys lie on their profiles about their weight, height, AND if they've been married before. Big red flags.
...This is one I would definately stick to, Not so much about height. All men are going to say they are taller (remember, they like everything to be bigger than it really is!) But some people might not take to things as easy at first. The big one my bf told me was that he lived alone. Later we discussed why he alwasy came to my house. Then he said he had a room mate that he didn't want me to meet. Of course, I went straight to a wife of an GF. Finally it came out that after he moved back to California, he moved in with his mother. Huge turn off at first, but I did let it go. HE didn't act like a mama's boy and boy do I know how to pick them out of a crowd. He was just embarrased about that fact, and I don't blame him.

8. Does his e-mail response to me sound sincere, as if he read my profile or does it look like a copy/paste (to possibly several different women)?
...This is another one I would stick with. But do think about how OLD is a huge number game. If you had to write an original letter to everyone, you would be exhausted, since only a small number reply. However, it if is a very long form letter where he is trying to sell himself, delete and move on.

9. Is he looking for a long-term relationship or just "fun". Look for the signs. If he starts talking about sex right off the bat...then there's your answer. NEXT!
...Again,stick to what they say. However, I have also found that many men put that they are looking for a long term relationship since that is what most women are looking for. Again, you have to take everything in their profile with a grain of salt. Remember, enjoy yourself and keep your options open while you keep your boundaries in place!

10. Distance. I'm not up for long distance relationships. Just my personal preference. They have to live no more than 50 miles from me.
...My bf is 80 miles away. It has worked out just fine, even though we just see each other on the weekends. But here in California, we love to drive;)

I do have to give you an example of someone who had all the right stuff in place. He was everything I could look for on paper. Perhaps not so much on looks, but I was looking for something more so I let it go. He would send me flowers. Wanted to make time to see me. I was too busy for him, since I had started dating my bf again. He would put my friends and I up in a hotel room so that we could visit with him. It turn out on of my friends did a search on him and he is being sued for not paying his employees and trying to open up another business. This article also stated that he has been evicted from several homes for not paying the rent. According to this news article, not too many people are fond of him. Be he had it all...made well over six figure, had homes in really nice locations, drove a beautiful car, and sent flowers!!! But if I got to know him more I would have found all this stuff out anyway.

What I'm trying to say is you really don't know a person until you know them for a substatial amount of time. If they are truly interested, they will wait to have sex with you. You do not need to feel obligated. My bf waited for 4 months when we first started dating and when we took breaks from each other and dated other people well, that part of our relationship was put on hold. I don't believe you can open yourself up to being with someone new if you are still having sex with someone you have feelings for.

I know this is long, but I wanted to point out that sometimes we can be over ridgid in our "rules". Most inportantly, enjoy yourself, but don't give up what you truly desire. Just look to see if your desires are important. (examples, kids and marriage, important. Type of care one drive, not important)

Enjoy your dating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:16am

>Just wanted to know what are some of your
>personal "rules" when it comes to OLD?

Don't send money to women held captive at a hotel in Nigeria.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 11:52am

<>

lol. Inside joke I'm assuming? Please explain ;)