What is a Commitment Phobic Guy??
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What is a Commitment Phobic Guy??
| Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:19pm |
Besides being a man who does not want to commit, do these same types of men consistently call you, take you out on dates spending money on you, have sex, live-in relationships, etc. basically everything you would have in a committed relationship without the commitment???
If so, what makes them leave??
I know men are different; but was wondering about the basic behavior pattern (if any) of a commitment phobic guy.
It's just weird when we can date people for 6 months or 2 years and then find out they are commitment phobic but during the process enjoying the puesdo-benefit of a committed relationship.
I may be thinking too hard, but was just a thought and curious to know what others think.

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There's no one easy definition, and no one behavior pattern. Commitment issues can manifest themselves in many different ways, both active and passive. If you're really interested in the topic, read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Stephen Carter.
But yes, someone with commitment issues can be in a relationship that has all the trappings of commitment but still not be able to make a serious long-term commitment. A typical c'phobe, to the extent there is such a thing, always has to have an exit plan available. For some, living together without getting married is that plan.
FWIW, I don't think you just "find out" someone is c'phobic two years into a r'ship...they will have given you big clues much earlier on than that if you know what to look for.
Sheri
Please take a read below. I was once a victim of a relationship that is described here. It's pretty accurate.
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HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER!
Falling in love with the commitmentphobe is the easiest thing in the world to do! The thing about the commitmentphobe is that he (or she) usually comes on very strong in the beginning stages of the relationship. They will hold nothing back to win the heart of their 'victim'. They spend money freely, lavish you with gifts, smother you with attention, compliment your every move, rush to help you out, paint your living room, change your oil...etc. They quickly make you feel extremely special - and lovable - and very desirable - and wanted - and attractive - and wonderful - and, well, you get the picture :) It is hard to resist falling in love with the commitmentphobe! How can you resist someone who thinks that you are just so incredibly special and adorable? They will even make references to the future using the 'we' word, making you believe that a future with this man (woman) is indeed possible - and probable! (If you question the commitmentphobe about past relationships, they will probably tell you about many failed relationships - but make you believe it was just because they hadn't found anyone as 'wonderful' and 'special' as you!)
Beginning Stages
he comes on strong and shows more interest in you than you do in him
he tells you that you are special, or indicates your ‘specialness' in other ways
even though he has many failed relationships, he makes you feel that it was just because he has never met anyone like you
he goes out of his way to impress you
he comes on as ‘needy' and ‘vulnerable', you almost feel sorry for him
he hints around that he is looking for a more ‘permanent' and stable relationship, and drops clues of marriage
goes out of his way to be with you, do things for you, even canceling other plans and disrespecting his friends
he calls you up just to say ‘hi' - often
he refers to you both in the future sense, "when 'we' go to Bahamas 'next year', I want to buy you that..."
he acts as if you are the number one priority in his life
he is sympathetic to women's plights, and often belittles other men who treat women poorly
he goes out of his way to earn your trust
he tries to convince you to ‘commit' to him exclusively or sexually
What can I say - by now you're sunk!
Once he has won your heart over is when you start getting very subtle hints and clues that there is something very terribly wrong about the relationship. But you are so 'brainwashed' from his massive 'win-you'over' campaign that it doesn't even occur to you that this man has problems. After all, he is MADLY in love with you - he would never leave you!
Middle of the Relationship
he seems to be very slowly and gradually diminishing his time, calls, and attentiveness towards you
he is sending you mixed messages and confusing his emotions, "come here - go away"
he compartmentalizes his life with you and his life without you
he is uncomfortable in your ‘territory', i.e. your friends, family, and social group
he starts to make you less of a priority in his life and he has ‘rational' reasons why - which you buy because 'he is just sooooo in love with you'
your sex life changes - he may become less aggressive, leaving you to initiate sex more
your time together starts to become scheduled. You feel more like a ‘duty' or a ‘chore' of his, then an actual part of his life. There is *His Life* and then there is *His Life With You*. You are not allowed in *His Life* - you are excluded from meeting/knowing his friends, family, career associates, etc., they are considered 'forbidden territory' to you. You are not included in his hobbies, sports, weekend activities, children, etc.
he twists your simple expectations, accusing you of pressuring him with 'demands', and he turns your innocent requests into accusations that you are 'nagging' and 'trying to control' him
your needs aren't getting met, and you feel as if he isn't really ‘listening' to you, or ‘hearing' what you are saying
he points out the good things about you, but acts almost resentful and uncomfortable when you display these things
there seems to be some issues that make it hard for him to easily visit you or stay with you (i.e. you live too far, he doesn't like your cat)
he starts major fault-finding, and blatantly points out your flaws - real or imagined (this is the stage where your ego is crushed and your self-esteem takes a massive nose-dive. He will concentrate on the one thing about you that you CAN'T change - such as your religion, your height, your skin tone, your family, your financial status, etc.) He exaggerates your faults and flaws to enormous proportions
you start to suspect he is seeing others
he lies to you about his life ‘outside' of you
he agrees to change and makes a big show of remorse. He acts confused and conflicted - you actually feel sorry for him
the relationship stops growing, and he refuses to ‘talk' about the relationship, or avoids making committed changes
It is at this stage in the relationship that you think you just need to love him stronger, or do even more 'wifely' things for him. You cook his favorite foods, wear your sexiest negligees - etc. BUT the more you love him - the more you end up pushing him away. The more you try to be an 'understanding wife' figure, the more he feels the impending threat of 'commitment'. Your loving intentions only serve to drive the commitmentphobe further away.
He will start to find fault in you - this is his way of always having an 'out'. He stores these 'flaws' subconsciously, thinking to himself, "well, I could NEVER marry her - I couldn't possibly spend my life with a woman who is only 5'1" - I love long legs!" He needs these flaws to use as an excuse when the time comes to exit (and the time WILL come!)
The problem with the Middle Stage is that in your mind you are still in the Beginning Stage. You still think he is madly head-over-heels in love with you and would never, ever leave you. You are still delusional from the intensity of his 'beginning' love. You start to think that maybe you are doing something wrong, and so you try harder to show him your love. You even do 'wifely' things to show him how good a wife you would be if he were to marry you. All this does is drive the fear of commitment closer to his conscious mind and he starts to panic! He needs to get out of the relationship because he feels like he can't breathe. Being around you causes him anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, since he is a commitmentphobe that means he can't commit - either way. He can't commit to being with you forever, yet he can't commit to not being with you forever, either. So, he can't find the courage to leave you. Thus, he decides that he will make you do the leaving!
The End of the Relationship
he finds constant fault with you
he starts dating other women, in hopes that you will catch him (yet, surprisingly, if you do catch him he will cry and beg for forgiveness - that's because he still can't commit to not having you!)
he spends less and less time with you
he ignores your needs and wants
The hardest breakup in the world is that with the commitmentphobe. You are left confused, wondering what you did wrong. He loved you so much that you must have done something terribly wrong to kill that love. You have been belittled, insulted, and nit-picked to the point where your ego is crushed, you have low self-esteem, you feel rejected, unloveable, unworthy, unacceptable, and excluded. You wonder how anybody would ever want to be with you - you are just so horrible. And the funny thing is is that you want to get him back because you believe only he can make you feel better. Because it is he who made you feel so bad.
The commitmentphobe isn't a bad person - he just simply has a phobia of being 'trapped', much as a claustrophobic fears confinement in small places, or a demophobic fears being in crowds. This fear is so intense that, even though he can love another very much, he feels an intense need to be 'free' of them. Feeling pressured for a commitment can cause him to have a panic attack. He searches for a way out in the end just as hard as he searched for a way 'in' in the beginning.
Hi Ivos,
Thanks for posting that article about commitment phobic guys and the steps in the downfall of their relationships.
The last guy I dated for about 5 months was a commitment phobe, but he didn't belittle me or cut me down, trying to find fault with me. But he did start to get anxious the more we became closer and as our relationship seemed to be changing into something more. His loving actions toward me became less and he didn't seem interested in talking much either, which was a complete change from his very attentive ways previous to these unexplained actions. But I had sensed for a couple of weeks that something was different, I just couldn't put my finger on it exactly, since I had never been with a commitment phobic person and this was all new to me.
But the biggest change was in his lack of actions to me, like he was afraid to show much affection for me anymore. But I found out that he was a work-aholic and my competition was not with another woman as I had originally thought, but was actually with his need to constantly work and make things perfect on the computer (software engineer), to live in his comfortable box of his existence.
The time he spent with me made him feel not only guilty for ignoring the work that he had filled his spare time with for years, but also made him feel uncomfortable with the change in his predictable, safe, life. I was a threat to the predictable life he had become accustomed to for 37 years and any change, even subtle ones made him very uncomfortable.
He thought he wanted the change in his life, but ultimately found out that he couldn't deal with the reality of the change as it was happening. I had met many of his family members, which really gave me mixed messages, so that part of the article posted was correct. It's like they *want* the relationship, but just can't deal with the reality of what it takes to actually be in one, the time and effort needed.
Sheri said something that really made me think, something like that the commitment phobe has a hard time commiting to a relationship but also can't commit to breaking up either. She was very very right!
But I saw this experience as a learning lesson for me, one which gave me insight to this type of personality and a little experience with it so now I will be more aware of this type of person in the future. I guess I was lucky in that he leveled with me in how he was feeling and that he couldn't handle it, rather than letting me believe everything was ok for longer and us breaking up farther down the line when I would have invested more of myself and my feelings, then I would have been hurt even more.
He is a nice guy, but not someone who matches what I have in mind for my future, which is a LTR that eventually leads to marriage. I kind of feel sorry for him really, but not enough to have stayed with him! Ivos, I'm sorry you had to go through a relationship as described in the article. But thanks again for posting it.
Sunshine
Is this from one of Steven Carter's books? It sounds like it.
Sheri
Ah, ok, I think Mr. Carter may have a claim for copyright infringement then ;-)...it sounds verbatim from one of his books.
Sheri
Sherri- what is the name of the book please
I just dealt w/this kind of break up and have to say it has been the hardest to move on.. he was in and out , constant mixed signals and he did begin to sabotage. My fault was he told me had commitment issues about 3 mths into our r’ship but he was seeking help he was going 1x a week. He knew he wasn’t good at r’ships and sabotaged them . finally I asked for more at 6-7 mths and yep he sabotaged it to make me break up w/ him and actually we both ended it amicably.. he wanted to be friends and still does but I think that is when he is lonely.. I know he is back old again for me I haven’t been I took a big break 3 mths.. but getting ready to start again
The hardest thing w/these guys/girls is it wasn’t that you weren’t compatible if that was the case you would have broke up over that it is their fear that gets int hew ay. I know not everyone believes in this but my own counselor says she sees people for this very same issue.. so it’s out there it just looking for that flag and running before you get your heart involved as it’s hard to get over. They want to keep pulling you and know how to. Also you cannot change them. Yeah you can be in a r’ship w/ mixed signals, not pressure them ,take it very very slow but they need serious counseling for this.. it is very sad.
I thought you'd read He's Scared, She's Scared already? It's either from that or Men Who Can't Love (the two are similar but HSSS was written later to be more complete, especially the last section on how to move on from a c'phobic relationship).
I'm sorry you had to go through it but it's a learning process. Can you see now in retrospect the red flags that some of us pointed out with this guy early on?
Sheri
heart just took over.
i did have the book he's scared /she scared but can't find the darn thing LOL that was from the last 4yr break up i had..LOL i wasn't sure if it was from that..
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