What is a Commitment Phobic Guy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
What is a Commitment Phobic Guy??
30
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:19pm

Besides being a man who does not want to commit, do these same types of men consistently call you, take you out on dates spending money on you, have sex, live-in relationships, etc. basically everything you would have in a committed relationship without the commitment???

If so, what makes them leave??

I know men are different; but was wondering about the basic behavior pattern (if any) of a commitment phobic guy.

It's just weird when we can date people for 6 months or 2 years and then find out they are commitment phobic but during the process enjoying the puesdo-benefit of a committed relationship.

I may be thinking too hard, but was just a thought and curious to know what others think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:01pm

Thank you for sharing that article. It confirms everything I thought about the last guy (DJ, biker dude) I really dated. It was on again off again with him for 7 mos until I finally got tired of him coming and going and finally told him I'd had enough. I know he cares for me but he just doesn't know how to commit. I didn't realize he was commitment phobic until Sheri made the statement that commitment phobes can't even commit to being broken up (BTW many thanks Sheri). That describes him perfectly. He would be around for 2-3 weeks then gone for 2-3. It was a viscious cycle, and it drove me nuts trying to figure him out. I do have to hand it to him though, each time he decided he wanted out, he would email me and tell me, he never just ghosted. I honestly believe that he wants a relationship, but it's just not in him to make it work for the long haul.

We have maintained a friendship, and occasionally I can tell he wants to test the waters again. But as much as I care for him, it's taken me months and a lot of GF chats, to realize that he's just not emotionally available and probably never will be. I guess my first clue should have been that he'd been single for 20 years when I met him. LOL Live and learn, and this one was a hard lesson to learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:05pm
You poor thing - I had a guy who did that - and it stinks that on again off again stuff.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:21pm

I'm sorry you had to go thru it too. No one should have too. It totally sucks!

If nothing else, I did make one of the best friends I will probably ever have and that's him. I know I can count on him for anything and he and my daugher have formed the mutual admiration society. I do believe that she would contact him before she would her own father if she needed something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 11:53pm

sorry you both went through it as well.I am still trying to get over it.. They say these are the hardest r'ships to get over as nothing is wrong w/ you or the compability /chemistry is just the other persons ambivalence.. they do want r'ships and they are very loving people just can't do it w/out a lot of therapy and truly wanting it more than not .. and yes mine always always called everyday and texted me all the time but he never liked to get too close, just when he would he'd do something to screw it up!

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 8:03pm

Hi Libra,

The on again and off again thing sounds so familiar, and yes the c.phobe I was with was a really nice guy also. In their minds they want a relationship, but they just can't overcome their fear to do it. It's been almost 2 months and I have recently started talking some to this guy as a friend, but that's all I'll let it be because I know there is no way he can do more. It's sad but it's reality.

You said, "...I guess my first clue should have been that he'd been single for 20 years when I met him..." Well that was my first clue also with this guy as he was 37 and had never been married, but then I had heard so many people talking on here that had never been married and weren't c. phobes so I thought I'd be open minded and give him a chanc before jumping to conclusions. But it was a painful learning lesson for me also and now I am aware, at least, of this personality type. Yep live and learn....

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 8:19pm

Hi Rosema,

You said, "...They say these are the hardest r'ships to get over as nothing is wrong w/ you or the compability /chemistry is just the other persons ambivalence.. they do want r'ships and they are very loving people just can't do it w/out a lot of therapy and truly wanting it more than not..."

I agree with you that they are very loving people, that's how my ex bf was for the first 4 months and I think that is why I was so confused and hurt from the change in his behavior after that time. At least with a guy who you know has lost interest, it's quite evident, but these guys you know have the caring and love there. I believe he came into my life for many reasons, mostly learning lessons, but he was also there when I went through the grief and sadness when my son and his gf lost their stillborn fullterm baby. He was super loving and encouraging during that time, otherwise it would have been even harder for me to go through that by myself.

My ex bf was so good about calling when he said he would, you could always count on that, just as you said yours called and texted you everyday. They do stay connected to you in the beginning! But they still want to stay connected to you after they break up and I want to thank Sheri again for saying that they can't commit to breaking up either - that was a revelation for me when I read that and it helped me so much in finally letting go of my hopes for him and for us, since there would never be an us and no possibility that he would change, even though he had said he wanted to change.

I know nothing is wrong with me in regards to that relationship, but it doesn't make sense to my mind (that always tries to rationalize actions and things) and it just can't do that with this situation, because the c. phobes actions make no sense! He even said to me, many times, that it was not me. But that didn't make it any easier for me to get over the breakup and I know I still have sadness at times from it. But I'm moving on and I hope you are also. Take care...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 9:53pm

Sunshine--

there is nothing wrong w/you it is them-- they are ambivalent. they so want a r'ship but can't walk the walk for whatever reason.. i heard it is like a panic attack or maybe they do it subconsciously. i have also they will sabotage so you will break it up. they fear being alone also.. they fear making a commitment and fear breakingup yes. thats why they will still call after and try to keep you hanging.

mine was seeking help and did tell me he sabotaged r'ships and he wasn't good in r'ships.he feared getting close. he would make comments about stuff and sometimes i thought what? but it was too close to the truth abuot cphobes but this didn't come out until he became more vulnerable. he never once said we were not compatible.up until the day we broke up he said we are very compatible and he really liked me but he was notletting his guard down any more.. tht is when i said we shoud see other people and I think that messed w him as much becasue the fear is getting close /because you will get hurt. so when i said maybe we should see other people i do think that hurt him a bit.. but he couldn't move forward.. they are not taking a risk and missing out something that couldhave been wonderful. but we are better off.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:58pm

Regarding being single for many years, and/or being say late 30's or older & never married... One giant red flag for ME is never having had at least one somewhat serious relationship, and lived with an SO at some point. Reason for that being that I believe there are some very valuable things to be learned from LTR's that can't compare to any other experience. I just relate better to SO's who have a relatively similar dating/r'ship history as mine. I prefer that someone be open to talking about previous relationships, what they were like, what happened, what they've learned from it and how they are applying those lessons.

For example, my GF's last r'ship was with a woman with 2 kids, who happened to be hellions due to her lack of consistency in setting any rules & sticking to them... she's one of those parents who let their kids walk all over them. At first she thought the lesson for her was to not get involved with single parents... but she took a chance on me and realized that the real issue was about parenting styles, and feeling it was important to be with someone who had an approach to raising children that is more like how she would be. We've had a few really good discussions about her experience, and about my desire to also be with someone with similar outlook on parenting, and willingness to gradually get involved in providing some guidance & nurturing for my son, while keeping reasonable boundaries as to HOW involved they get in each 'stage' of the relationship. Point is... it was easier to talk about those things in the context of specific lessons learned in previous relationships & what to do differently this time around. Someone without real significant relationships just doesn't have the same context to relate to.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 10:58am

Well, having had LTRs isn't *necessarily* a sign that someone isn't a c'phobe. I was with my c'phobe ex for 4 years, and he was in a number of LTRs before and after me. But he just basically goes from woman to woman (until recently--we are friends now--he hadn't been without a girlfriend for more than a month or two since he was in his early 20s, and he's 48 or 49 now) and stays with them as long as they will put up with his inability to commit, then he either moves on or they do.

As Steven Carter points out in his books, c'phobes might even get married...but it doesn't mean they are *committed*.

That's why I said early on in this thread that there is no one type or pattern of c'phobe.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 11:36am

You know, I've read both of Steven Carter's books, BEFORE getting involved with my current commitmentphobe.

Linda