What is a Commitment Phobic Guy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
What is a Commitment Phobic Guy??
30
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:19pm

Besides being a man who does not want to commit, do these same types of men consistently call you, take you out on dates spending money on you, have sex, live-in relationships, etc. basically everything you would have in a committed relationship without the commitment???

If so, what makes them leave??

I know men are different; but was wondering about the basic behavior pattern (if any) of a commitment phobic guy.

It's just weird when we can date people for 6 months or 2 years and then find out they are commitment phobic but during the process enjoying the puesdo-benefit of a committed relationship.

I may be thinking too hard, but was just a thought and curious to know what others think.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 1:44pm

Hi Libra-


I totally agree that this was great article.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 3:15pm

Jodie,

You could be right about Alan, I never thought about it that way. However, from what you've told me, I believe that he is the type that needs a woman who is needy & dependent on him. You are a independent woman and I think it may have been hard for him to accept not being needed, but wanted. There is such a difference.

DJ is the classic example of c-phobe. I know he cares for me but, I also know that he's not nor will he ever be emotionally available.

Libra

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 6:14pm

Linda and everyone,

The more I read about the C.phobe on this board, the more I realize I am much better off without my ex bf. Each day a fleeting thought passes through where I still try to figure out what happened with us, but I am realizing that I'll never figure it out because it isn't logical and makes no sense to why he did what he did. But I'm getting to where I let these thoughts stay in my head less and less.

Linda, it's good to see you back again and I liked what you said, "...Look for someone who considers themselves lucky that you choose to spend time with them. Not someone that will begin to resent the fact that you expect them to spend time with you..." My ex bf C.phobe was resenting the time we spent together after awhile (that took away from his time he had spent doing other things before) and was having almost like anxiety as another poster said. When we talked about it one time, he compared his anxious feeling of being in the relationship to that of skipping school and knowing you should be doing something else. I thought that was a weird analogy, but I guess if that was what he felt.

He also found ways to sabotage things toward the end, ways to upset me and get me mad enough to end it. I *knew* that I deserved to be treated much better than that, but it was still hard to end it. I know that I'd be better off just not having any contact with him, even as friends, which is what I have recently done with a few of his phone calls to me.

Linda, I do hope that you figure out what you want with the current guy. I hope you don't allow him to hurt you more. I am sad and sometimes lonely without my ex bf and tend to mainly remember the good times from the beginning when he was so great to me (which also included the future talk), but then instead, I make myself replace those good thoughts with the hurtful things he said and did instead, and it makes it a little easier for me to move past that relationship.

I just hope that I recognize the signs in any other guy that is like that, but I had never had any experience with a guy like that, so it was completely new to me (married 25 yrs and divorced almost 2). I do think I'll get the Steven Carter books just to arm myself with more info though for the future.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 6:19am

I think this is a very good article for anyone dating. A guy who comes on way too strong in the beginning has to be seen as a risk. A normal person just doesn't do things like that even though we all want to believe in the Hollywood style romance and knight in shining armor.

I think that this article drives home my belief that you go slow - not see each other too much in the beginning, build a friendship and not get swept away with the sex too early - that would cloud my judgement for sure.

Further, if you gather their relationship history, look at their age, lifestyle, etc. you will have a good picture before you start. I don't believe that I would be be that different from other women.

I have dated a commitmentphobe - and now I know the signs. Not all of them sweep you off your feet in the beginning - some - as my past boyfriend - will be very cautious - although very sweet. But he had a history of dating younger woman for short periods of time and most importantly - and the red flag I will never ignore - is to be older in life with no history of marriage or living together. Very set in his ways. Narcisstic. He also had parents who had a bad divorce and a mother who was abusive. I don't think this makes him a bad person - just a bad person for a committed relationship.

Speaking of history - just this morning a guy who is 53 and never been married sent me a wink. He wishes for a soulmate. He has an esoterical description of his ideal woman and with that age and never been married status I would not even bother to wink back. Never to mind that he is too old. DELETE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 11:48am

As read other people's posts...I have to wonder....do you think many of us are attracted to commitmentphobes?

CL-Truewild1969

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 11:54am

Yes, that's a big part of the "He's Scared, She's Scared" book. If you SAY you want a serious, committed r'ship but keep finding yourself with c'phobes, chances are you also have commitment issues.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 12:02pm

I don't have a problem being in a committed relationship.....I just like intensity.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 1:21am

Cl
I have to agree- I often thought maybe I had my own committment issues because I keep runnn into cphobes, but honestly I am able to commit. Maybe it's the fear of intimacy for me, letting my guard down , so i don't get hurt. and being w/ a c'phobe , subconsciously you know it won't work out..

but anyways what I really wanted to say is yes I agree, I love the intensity of the beginning of a r'ship. i love the calling, texting, chemistry you feel in the beginning of all of that. and when I don't have any of that I fear it will never be a passionate r'ship. So I do know that as much as it 's good meaning there is alot of chemistry it is also a red flag. I had two guys I dated recently , one was very intense and I fell very hard for him.. the other, not as intense but he was a great date, everything planned , fun , jovial but none of that intense feeling in the beginning w/ him.. I believe If i had given him more of a chance perhaps it would have been there as we did have a ton in common but i wasn't feeling the intensity i felt w/ the other and that is what i am attracted to.. gosh how do we win........

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 1:27am

For me, it's meant working on not being an "infatuation junkie" any more. I'm a sucker for that intensity and connection early on, too, but I've learned that it's not enough. So, I really work hard at enjoying it but tempering it (telling myself over and over that it's early and time will tell), taking things slowly, etc. I don't always succeed, but since things always end up badly when I don't, that serves as extra incentive to keep trying.

I try to hang on to the thought that, as Steven Carter says, if it's the love of a lifetime, I'll have a lifetime to enjoy it, so what's the rush?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:04am

I have always been the same way, too. I think there is merit to that. And yes, I am also tempering the beginning rush - have been working on that.

This has been a really interesting thread!!

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