what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
what to do
7
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:22am
Hi there, I'm new to this board and I have a dilemma that is sort of an online dating situation. About five years ago I was in contact with this guy at another company my firm does business with. We would email just about every other day regard work-related matters. Anyway, because we were in contact so much, we naturally started talking about our lives and it turned out we had a lot in common. We talked on the phone a few times too. We once mentioned meeting up the next time he was in my state or i was in his, but that never happened. Eventually, after a few months of communicating, our coorespondence started to die out and we emailed less and less until one day I realized that his email bounced back because he probably changed jobs.
This summer, I received a random email from him, asking if I was the person he used to talk to at ABC firm. I said yes, and he wrote back that he googled me because he had some dealings with my old firm and was reminded of me. He also mentioned that he has since moved to a state much closer to my state. He sent a photo of himself just to finally show me what he looks like and I thought he was very attractive. So, we started chatting again like during old times and he said that since he's much closer maybe we should meet up. I said sure, why not. We even set tentative plans to meet some time this month.
Well, I haven't heard from him in over a week. I usually hear from him every other day mostly via email. We never actually discussed dating or seeing if we could have a real relationship so it's not like I should feel "dumped" or whatever because my understanding is that we're just buddies. Of course, I'm pretty sure he's interested in SOMETHING because not too many single guys in their 30s communicate like this and make plans to meet up with a woman without some sort of romantic intention.
I'm not sure what to do, if I should email or call him. I don't want to seem desperate but I'm very perplexed as to why he's suddenly disappeared because we've got along so well and he was the one who googled me and suggested meeting up. I guess I do feel a bit hurt because he seemed genuinely interested in meeting me and I know I didn't insult him or do anything that would make him stop writing all of a sudden. maybe he met another woman within the last week and feels doesn't need to write to me anymore now that that void is filled? Still, I would appreciate a quick note saying something as to why he's fallen off the face of the earth. I don't know if I should just wait this out or contact him for an explanation and or closure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:27am
I know it's hard but I think I would wait it out.....see if he contacts you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 10:46am
Take it from my very recent experience: wait...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 9:43pm
i know, it is best to wait, no matter how much want an immediate answer. all i could think is he started dating someone closer to where he lives and doesn't want to send me a message saying, sorry but we have to stop writing now because I found what i'm looking for and it's more convenient. maybe he just doesn't want to fess up and tell me the truth so he figures that disappearing into cyberspace is the easiest thing to do. i should give him a little more time i guess-- who knows, maybe he really has a good reason for not writing, but then again, he's got my phone number so he has no reason not to contact me at all. if i don't hear from him within a few days of when we're supposed to meet i guess that's a sign that i shouldn't expect anything else. oh well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 10:51pm

Even though you didn't meet this guy on a dating site, this whole "ghosting" issue is the reason I no longer subscribe to Match.com or Yahoopersonals. My profiles are still on there, but I've been burned with almost every online guy I've been interested in or met due to them simply not keeping up contact. I find it hard to stomach that so many men are spineless when it comes to curtailing contact with you or you hear from them after 7-10 days (like that should be the normal amount of time in between).

I'm also amazed at the number who are so willing to add you to their messenger list and will buzz you almost daily for maybe a week or two, then suddenly are never online after that. I don't add people to my messenger list unless I am seriously interested in corresponding with them. Oftentimes, there seems to be no reason for them to suddenly stop messaging you. It would be much more "stand-up" of them if they simply told you they had met someone else. At least you wouldn't be expecting to hear from them if you knew this.

I've actually had guys tell me they had just been "busy" & that was why they hadn't been online. Well, EVERYONE is busy, but if you are serious about OLD, then I feel that the participants need to keep up the contact in order to see if someone is a match. This business of "ghosting" before you even meet (but after many online chats and even some phone calls) is becoming totally unacceptable to me. I just do not think that is fair or reasonable to do to someone with no explanation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 8:11am
that whole "busy" thing is a load of you know what. people find time for who and what they care about. i mean, even lawyers who work 80 hour weeks have relationships.
my belief is someone who wants to develop a real relationship with you will drop an email at 2am if that's the only time they can do it, even just to say, hello, i know i've been out of touch but don't think i forgot you. and if the guy just really doesn't want to talk to you anymore but is nonconfrontational or doesn't want to call, at least he can email a message saying please don't contact me anymore, this isn't going to work out.
even friends will put in a phone call or send an email at least once a week. with this guy, we've been planning for two months to meet up and then all of a sudden he disappears on me.
I really can't think of any other reason for him to fall off the face of the earth on me other than dating another woman-- or of course, something like being in a car crash. i always thought this guy was more the more stand-up type because he said he's had his heart broken before and sounded like he's the type not to flake on people. i guess i just have to wait this one out. i used to be the type of girl to email them sooner or call first, but i'm not anymore because every time i do that i end up looking and feeling stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:37am

In a perfect world, everyone would be thinking along your lines. I wish that more men and women didn't believe in ghosting and also believed in working at OLD. I guess OLD is like everything else... people have different ways of thinking and coping. I know of people that also have ghosted in real life, again both men and women.


Life just seems to be filled with two types of people--those who keep their words and those who do not. And both can be found IRL and OLD! Drives ya nuts though, doesn't it?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: iv_jaennie03
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:19am
Yes, it does drive me nuts--to the point where I'm no longer "active" on any dating sites now. I've just been burned too many times. I also don't really think it's necessary or logical for a guy to e-mail that it isn't going to work out since they don't know if it would or not if they haven't even MET you yet. It would make more sense for them to say that they are taking a "break" from dating online or that they have met someone else. Either would be plausible and hurt a lot less than feeding someone a line about being "busy". And I've also come to the conclusion that many women are much more serious about OLD than most men are. It shouldn't be a game or a source of "entertainment" but a tool to help them find someone special to spend time with. I reallywish there was a way to screen for the ones who were serious and the ones who were just playing around.