What to do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
What to do????
10
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:53pm

Hi everyone!

Here's my online dating dilemma...I met this guy through an online dating site last month. He contacted me so I decided to "get to know" him. We hit it off SO good. Our emails were like 2 pages long everytime. I felt like I was taking a college course with all the writing I was doing. We talked on the phone the first time for like 2hrs. We went out to a wine bar for our first date that lasted 7hrs! That was a Friday night and Sunday I went to his house to watch a football game. We just really clicked. He's the male version of me. Everything seemed to be going fine for the next week. We kept our emails going and talked on the phone. I had a real estate exam to study for the following weekend so we changed plans. That week things seemed different. The emails got shorter but he stilled emailed me with cute names and we would sent our usual jokes. I sent him an email one day in the morning and I didn't receive an email back from him that day. The next morning I checked my email and there was nothing. I sent him an email asking him what was going on and that I got this strange vibe for him and that maybe we were looking for something different and I wished him luck finding someone else. Now this is were I feel that I might have pushed him away. He's not a person that will go that extra step, so I wonder if he took it as me brushing him off. The hard part is that we live in the same private community. I have to drive in front of his house everyday.

This is where I need feedback... I've been wanting to email him just simply to ask what happened. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or something. I just want to clear the air. I started jogging again and I don't want to avoid jogging close to where he lives (eventhough I use to jog there) b/c I don't want him to think that I'm purposely trying to see him. I don't want it to be awkward if we see each other or feel like either one of us has to hide. I do like him and did "feel" something for him eventhough I usually don't let myself get feelings for someone so early. So should I email him or just let it be??? If I should email him, what should I say without sounding stupid. He's 32 and I'm 25 so I don't want it to seem like I have a huge crush on him or seem needy. That's SOOO not the case. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:07pm

Hi Luvbuggy-


Welcome to the board!

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:19pm

Wow, 2 page length in emails; 7 hour date on Friday, geez, how long was the date on Sunday?? I'm sorry, but after reading the first paragraph, I was thinking, no wonder the guy has backed off. Sorry, but 2 page emails and 7 hour dates are not things you can do CONSISTENTLY!! Did all of this happen in 1-2 weeks?? Wow, 2 page emails, mmh, that's a first! Do you think he read or retained all the information you had in that email?

Guys like the chase and if you open yourself up too quickly, then there is nothing that keeps them coming back. Does that make sense? Since you have sent the email about things being different I would personally back off and let him make the next move -- if there will be a next move.

In the interim, I would continue jogging and doing the things you normally do. If you see him, wave and keep moving. If he does contact you, I would suggest chopping down those 2 page emails and keeping dates under 3 hours. (smile)

Keep men guessing and be mysterious!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:20pm

You've already sent emails that he hasn't responded too. There is no need for you to send another, then you will appear needy. Just live your life and who cares if you jog past his house, you aren't doing it to see him.

He's the one that bailed out without an explanation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:33pm

Hi, kathy, and welcome.

Sounds like a "too much too soon" situation. One person usually ends up backing way off. I would strongly advise AGAINST sending him another email. Best to let him contact you, or not contact you as he chooses.

Go about your business as you would normally: jog wherever you darn well feel like, make some other OLD contacts.

I'll give an additional piece of advice: this will happen again and again if you continue doing those 2-page emails/phone calls with your dates. Save the deep conversations for your future boyfriend, okay?

I know you felt excited to meet such a great guy, but it's important to show restraint. Take things slowly and lightly through the dating stages.

Good luck!
amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:36pm

I sort of agree with tstephnic. I think it all depends on what the 2 page e-mails were about. If the e-mails were a blueprint for the future and what you expect from him then yes, he would back off. But if they were casual I can't see why that would scare him off. Besides, he was writing back just as much.

>If I should email him, what should I say without sounding stupid.

DON'T write to him. He will contact you if he is interested but I don't think he is. You didn't say or do anything wrong to make him act this way. Go jogging and do the other things you would normally do. He can think what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:42pm


Hi,

He was the one that started with all the long emails. We had a q&a section at the end of each email. He had his questions and I would answer and vice versa. We would constantly laugh at our questions and answers but we felt comfortable. The first date just seemed to go on. We talked about everything and anything. Neither one of us wanted to leave. Plus once you've had a couple of drinks you feel at ease. Our personalities just clicked, like we had known each other for years. The second date was at his house and he wanted me to stay longer but it was late and I had to go home and get my daughter ready for school the next day. He asked if I was would come back but I called it a night. I saw him two days later for like 30mins and again he wanted me to stay but I couldn't. That weekend I had an exam and so I was studying. He was supportive and wanted me to put my test first. We changed our plans from Friday to Saturday. He called all day checking up on me and making sure I was studying. It got late so we stayed talking on the phone. I had a birthday to go to on Sunday after I took my test. Now I didn't go out that weekend with him b/c I was supposed to have taken the test Sat. I didn't. I was going to take it Sun, but went to a party and stayed very late. I wonder if maybe he felt like I brushed him off for my friends and when I would say that I'd call him I wouldn't (he goes to bed early). He gave me time to study and take the test but when I prosponed the test I spent time with my friends instead of him. Maybe he thought I wasn't all that interested. If someone did that to me that's how I would feel. There were just a lot of things that we said that leads me to believe that he didn't just lose interest. I don't know, it's hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:44pm

There are some similarities between your story and my experience with Guy #2 in the world of OLD. In my case, the guy did all the calling (everyday for nearly 2 weeks). He showed a lot of interest and a lot of attention. I started to develop some feelings for him by the third date, but he also bailed on me. We did some talking after that, and for a while it appeared that we "might" rekindle things a bit. He called twice and with the second phone call, I could tell that he was "waffling" once again with what he wanted.

Basically, I think a lot of men don't know what they want. I think they like the games, like the chase, but they don't know what the hell to do when a woman responds with interest back. I'm still learning about all this myself, but the other advice given to you is probably very sound. I have yearnings to want to contact the guy who bailed on me again, but I'm leaving the ball in his court and not going to wait around hoping he'll eventually respond. He told me there were a lot of "flakes" on the yahoopersonals site. I was one of the few he'd met who didn't fit that category. Maybe he thinks he'll find someone more "suited" to what he thinks he wants that particular week. Odds are he will still be looking after I've (hopefully) found someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:59pm

I swear, men and women always talk about how difficult it is to meet a good person from the opposite sex. Where as women stick to what they are looking for 95% of the times, men say one thing and when they find it run!!! What the hell is wrong with them (besides the fact that they are men)?! The man that came up with the saying that women are difficult to understand obviously didn't understand himself or he would have seen that he was the problem. Men can spend a whole lot of time looking for a good woman but when they find them they crap on them. Go figure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 3:00pm

Kathy,

>Maybe he thought I wasn't all that interested.
>If someone did that to me that's how I would feel.

Yes, maybe what you did could make him think you were not interested. BUT you have sent him a few e-mails which make it clear you *are* interested. IMO, if he was "into" you he would have replied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 4:01pm


Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback. I guess the only option I have is to wait and see. I'm sure it will be awkward if we bump into each other. Maybe something will happen maybe it won't. It would be so much easier if the other person would act like a grown up and just say how they really feel and then just move on. Like the saying goes...You have kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. (I always have my chapstick with me)!