what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
what do you think?
3
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:20pm

so here's the story, i'll try to be as brief as possible.

9 months ago i met someone online. we weren't looking to date or anything, we just by chance started talking and we had a wonderful connection. we started talking on the phone, etc...and we became very very close. here's where it gets complicated.

i live in california and he lives on the east coast. he came out to visit me for the first time last week. we had such a great time together and we love eachother very much. i know a lot of people don't understand our relationship but we have a very deep connection and we both think we have something really special. so like i said, everything went great when he came out here. i'm currently a student and i have told him that i want to continue to go to school here throughout my graduate studies. he has been looking into going to school here too.

yesterday he told me that he is not sure that he wants to move here. he is worried about leaving his family and being so far from them. he made me feel like he was sure about it in the past but he says that coming out here made him have stronger feelings for me but at the same time made the whole idea of moving a lot scarier. i was of course very upset. he's saying that he's not ruling it out, it's just that he can't make such a major decision in such a short period of time.

after i cooled off i started thinking that this is reasonable being that he has only spent 5 days in california and this is a major decision. so my question, is what does everyone think about this? do you think that this is reasonable, and that i should continue for a while so that he can figure things out? i don't want to be a hypocrite and say that he should be 100% sure about moving here, because i don't think i would ever move out there with him, even though i'm crazy about him. i don't doubt that he loves me, i think he might just be having cold feet and he will get over it. he had cold feet about coming out here to see me too but he got over that. also, we are both young, i'm 20 and he's 24. should i give him time? and if so, how much?

sorry, i know that was long. i would really appriciate any advice, i'm really stressing over this. thank you.

edit: i just want to add that he did not bring up this topic to start problems, he was just sharing his thoughts. he didn't think i would take it so hard and he didn't think that we were going to end our relationship over this. he wants to continue things as they are and have some time to figure out what he really wants. he says that he knows he wants me, and that the problem here is not me or our relationship, it is if he can handle moving to somewhere so foreign and away from his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 3:46pm

Well, I am one of those people that believes that you cannot truly fall in love with someone until you have spent considerable time together in person - getting to know their bad

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 12:07pm

I want to agree with what's been said so far. It is a very big thing to move and uproot your whole life to be with someone else.

It is not clear from your message whether he was planning to move to be near you this coming academic year or the plans were more in the future. If the plans were more in the future, than I suggest you look into summer school next year.

Summer school is a good way of trying out a new place and environment and seeing if you can be comfortable away from family and friends. But it is less permanent a commitment than enrolling in a full-time program.

If he can fund it, summer school or something like summer school might give him the chance to check out his options and for both of you to figure out if you want to be together.

You might also consider whether you couldn't do the same for him--go east for a summer course and see if you could see yourself studying and staying near him.

Just a thought.

Elsa
(Who once, long ago, spend a summer in a strange city to be with a friend.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 2:56pm

I think Vexer is both right and wrong. You can't fall in love with someone over a super-long distance- or at least it's very, very, very difficult. (Everyone thinks that THEY are the exception to this rule, and about 99% of them are wrong.)

But I think she's wrong about one thing. You're both young. Right now is the *perfect* time to do dumb/crazy stuff! Move across the country, quit your job on a moment's notice and take a chance... why not? Got a mortgage, a child, connections? No? Why not go for it, then?

Personally, I think the deal is that he's backing away because he's not that into you. If he were, then instead of making excuses, he'd be making plans to BE WITH YOU, because that's what guys who are into you do. They do what they have to to be with you.

Keep an open mind, but be ready to cut bait and move on to the next guy, the one who doesn't say "I'm going to let these other people influence me more than my feelings for you".