What is going on here???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
What is going on here???
11
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:03pm

OK guys...I need help here.

In a relationship with a divorced man three kids (22,not with him, a 16 year old boy living with Dad and a preteen girl that lives with mom.)We spend most of our free time together, either with family (his and mine) friends, etc..I like all his family and he likes mine. My daugbter 20 even likes him which is a miracle, she doesn't like a lot of folks.

WE have been togehter since Jan 2004..and gradually spent more and more time together. The summer his son went for a week to the beach with some of Rick's relatives. While there Rick asked if I wanted to stay the week..well I did. commuting to work (only a few miles) then asked me to move in. I have been in the process of doing that. My daughter is moving also.

Here's the problem: He had ( and still has ) an old profile on a dating site. No subscription but I know he still goes online and scouts about some (I know becuase a coworker spotted him (I have his photo on my desk)

We are joining a church, moving in together and basically I am treated like part of his family. So why is he "shopping???"

?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:38pm

Dear Ilc,

There are two schools of thought on this here on the board, as I kinda see it, Cupcake-wise:

1. This means nothing, it is a "Candy Shop" mentality and means nothing more than his looking at a Playboy mag would (if you are not offended by that kinda thing, in small doses.) Men are very visual; think of what happens when you wear a sexy little skirt, halter top, or jeans that fit well..not just to Your man, but to quite a few men within visual range will react...I rest my case, counselor! It is kinda embarassing that you are in the office chatting Nick and Jessica style about how well things are going with you two, and a co-worker reports he was online....

2.If this bothers you, then it is Wrong. Let's turn it about, goose/gander style--do you think He would like it, if someone came to Him and said they saw You online, same way? Danger, Will Robinson! I doubt it, huh? If you do not like how it makes you feel, then sit him down, in a non-threatening way and tell him how this makes You feel. No need to make accusations, begin by asking if he knows there is still a profile out there that seems active, it was pointed out to you, and you would rather get this cleared up asap. No hysteria, just facts, Jack. If he says he did not know it was there, then give him time to delete it. He loves you, and values you, and I bet he will tell you he will get rid of it Now, if it bugs you.

Mind you, this is Not being jealous or anything else..this is just a case of you honestly telling him how you feel. I know that men check out women and it does not bother me, if it is a quick check. I do it too, as I am interested in hair, makeup, and Especially shoes! I look at handsome men, but mostly in Comparison, and NONE compare to the man I love.

Anything that matters to you, will matter to him.

Keep us posted! People here do care about ya! :)

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 8:11am

Gosh, this is a weird phenomenon, but I would not take it lightly...only because I think some people (not saying your Rick...but some) get sort of addicted, I think. One CL here gave me a link to an article that told of a story where the woman dumped her old life and took up with an OLD boyfriend and then he left her for another OLD woman he was also having an affair with. Be careful is all. Maybe it is purely innocent...or not.

Sara

 
Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:24am

In my experience (and this has happened to me more than once) EVERY guy that was "shopping" while he was with me ended up "buying".

You two have been in a relationship for nearly two years and are working on moving in together. His "shopping" is an insult to you and to your relationship, and a huge breach of your trust. If you still feel that you want to stay with him after he's been scouting around for other women, I think you're nuts. IMO, "shopping" = cheating.

However... if you still want to stay, you should definitely talk to him. I would suggest saying something like, "A co-worker of mine recently saw that your profile is still active on . Why?" Just make sure you that have a "right" and "wrong" reaction from him in mind. I think that the "right" reaction from him should be (bare minimum) a huge apology, being sure to assure you that you are the only one for him, and then he would immediately (with you there to witness it) go to the computer and delete his profile from the site.

When I'm in a relationship I don't "shop around". When we decide to be exclusive, I (ASAP) go onto the dating site(s) that I was using just long enough to tell anyone else that I was talking to that I am now in a relationship, hide my profile(s) and cancel the subscription(s). Then I don't go onto the dating site again until the relationship is over. I would probably wait until we had reached the 1-year mark to completely delete the profile, but I would CERTAINLY do it well before the almost-TWO-year mark!!

But maybe that's just me...

Sue. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:42pm

Hmm...that is quite interesting! I mean, it's one thing to be looking at women when they pass by on the street, or on TV or something...that's natural. Everyone does it, and you're either a freak or lying if you say you don't.

To take the time to go online and 'shop around' for girls on the internet? That's not normal, especially if you're in a long-term relationship and moving in with the person.

I would definitely talk to him about it...that profile needs to come down ASAP. Even if he doesn't go online to look for women, it's still up there...and that shows to other women that he's available.

So, my advice would be much along the lines as some of the other responses. Tell him a friend of yours saw his profile up on whatever OLD site, and ask him if he knows that it is still 'active'. Then, let him know how this makes you feel. If he does ANYTHING but appologize and run to the computer to delete it...I would highly suggest rethinking moving in with him!!

Good luck!
Alyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 5:38pm

Of course he knows it is active my freind SHOWED ME at her desk...

I am beginning to think men and dating aren't worth the trouble. I have two cats, at least I know they are not looking for another mistress.

Meow!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 5:44pm
THe thing that kills me is that he has a profile up. I mean you can even go and shop without having a profile up. Like Match you can't look at all pictures but you can do a random search without having a profile up and you can on mydate.com as well, I don't know about yahoo...so having the profile still up is what really would have me wigged...not that he was still looking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:29pm
I couldn't agree more! I always say my cat is the best boyfriend in the world. Loves me no matter what, loyal, dependable - does tend to hog the bed, though... ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:32pm

A friend at work says "The men have come and gone, the cats always stay."

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:59am

<<<<

In a relationship with a divorced man three kids (22,not with him, a 16 year old boy living with Dad and a preteen girl that lives with mom.)We spend most of our free time together, either with family (his and mine) friends, etc..I like all his family and he likes mine. My daugbter 20 even likes him which is a miracle, she doesn't like a lot of folks.

WE have been togehter since Jan 2004..and gradually spent more and more time together. The summer his son went for a week to the beach with some of Rick's relatives. While there Rick asked if I wanted to stay the week..well I did. commuting to work (only a few miles) then asked me to move in. I have been in the process of doing that. My daughter is moving also.

Here's the problem: He had ( and still has ) an old profile on a dating site. No subscription but I know he still goes online and scouts about some (I know becuase a coworker spotted him (I have his photo on my desk)

We are joining a church, moving in together and basically I am treated like part of his family. So why is he "shopping???">>>>

Only him can answer that question and only you can decide what to do depending on the answer you get.
"a hood does not a monk make" doing all the above things, may stop you from going outside your relationship for whatever reason. Are you sure It is the same for him? and does it matter to you, if it is not the same for him? all the best in what ever happens in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 4:06pm

<<<>>>>

So are you guys getting married??

I think you need to talk before you pack your bags and move in!

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