What is going on with me??????
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| Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:13am |
Hi,
This post is very long, sorry, but will appreciate any help with this situation. I am recently divorced, but have been over my marriage for 3 years now. I have been ready for a relationship for a long time now. About 5 months ago I thought I would experiment with the on-line personals. I never had any great expectations of this experience. Wanted to see what kind of men are out there since the last time I dated about 15 years ago and to see if I still "had it". The good news is that I found out that I "still have it". The bad news is that most men have not matured much or even learned from the mistakes from previous relationships, or there just was no connection or "click" with some. Except, this one. I read his profile once and was very interested. We started emailing each other and/or IM. It was obvious to me that he did not have a big interest in me, but we kept in touch on-line. It was becoming more of an on-line friendship than anything else. The conversations we had through IM is what made my feelings for him grow. His personality and demeanor came across clear through our conversations. It was just so opposite of my ex-husband and most of the other men I was communicating with on-line or in person. Very mature, very considerate of his choices of the words he uses, and honest. His constructive criticism never left me feeling belitted. Our personalities were clicking, too. Him more with me than me with him.
There were times where weeks would go by with communication. It was me always finding a way to start things up again. Usually with emails mentioning things I should not of been saying. It is very rare that I feel this way for someone, so my emails were filled with tongue-tied, obviously nervous emotions of the way I was feeling about our situation or probably praising him too much. Sometimes I wished these emails would scare him away so I could get over him and move on with my life. He would always email back with the nicest,but curt messages. We were finally about to get together and with his job, he was transferred out of state. He is accepting this. Doesn't feel too upset about the situation because we "never met or had a chance to get to know each well enough is feel regret about this"and wants to remain on-line friends. I basically told him in the next email that this should not be continued and "Since I will never see you or email you again, these were my true feelings of you." Rambled on about how he really clicked with me. No other man has had this effect on me. Told him how I wish these feelings for him would go away but they just can't, and on and on about nothing I probably should of been saying. I thought it would help me to get over him letting out these feelings that have been bottling up inside of me. It didn't. It has been over a week now and I have not heard from him. I should be happy, but I am not. Oh, wait, the real stupid thing I did a day or two after sending that email. I found out that an opportunity is coming to me to visit the state he is living in and I emailed him about getting together. Of course I have not heard back from him. I have tried so hard to get over these feelings for him. I can't. I am still trying to search the online personals or meeting men in person, but their unattractive personality keeps making me think more and more of the above mention. What can I do to get rid of these feelings for him? Nothing is helping. It is driving me crazy and the worst part is that I want to email him and start being in contact with him again. I actual have to fight with myself not to. It was just the nicest feeling being able to "talk" with him. I haven't felt this good about me or my life in a very, very long time. We were able to joke around with each other, be completely honest about something that happened that day or bring up something from our past. I was completely comfortable talking with him. When our conversations ending at that particular moment, I felt better than pounds of chocolate would make me feel. Advice, please. Should I get in touch with him now? Should I Tell him it was a mistake to completely end it and I miss talking with him? Sorry, again this is so long. Thanks in advance for any help that I may get from all of you. I will appreciate it.
Carol

You are WAY too worried about a guy you've never met. I hate to be the first to break it to you, but you don't really have a true relationship with this guy if you've never met in person.
What you are dealing with is something that many, if not most, of us have dealt with when we started back into dating after a LTR (long-term relationship). The issues aren't really exclusive to OLD (on-line dating), although the particular things about OLD (never meeting in person, only communicating via email/IM/phone, etc) do complicate things.
What is going on with you? Pretty simple- you are hopeful and you put a ton of expectations and hopes into this "relationship" and onto this guy, and they were frankly misplaced. You can't truly be upset that you have "lost him"- you never HAD him to begin with, did you? Of course not.
My suggestion is two-fold. First, give up on the OLD, for now. It's not going to work for you until you're really ready.
Second, go talk to a professional. If you are this twisted up over a guy you've never met, then you're not really ready for a relationship- no matter HOW much you might think you are, or feel like you are. Instead, what you are almost certainly really feeling is that intense desire to just not hurt anymore. We've been there. It stinks. But until you can gain your true comfort zone, you're not really ready to be "out there" and getting into things.
This might sound like a bunch of hooey, but in several months or a year or two you will probably have a different perspective, and you'll see what I mean.
1. Paragraphs are a good thing.
2. In general before carrying on any extensive conversations either via email, instant messenger or phone - you really want to meet someone so the fantasy of "what could be" doesn't build up in your head.
My recommendation is to find someone who you can meet in person. It is quite normal to go through many "no chemistry" meets. It's also VERY normal to get along very well with someone online and have zero chemistry in person.
HI ivMom,
I agree with the others here, and would like to add that at your place in life, and Many of us have been where you are, you are looking for a man based more on "wish" or "hope", and not on reality. it might take you a while to know yourself and who you want to be with, as well. Giving it time is hard to do, I know, but it is not going to work, unless you do.
The man you communicated with might have been married. I get a Lot of married men writing and im'ing me, and some of them will say they are being "honest" to tell me this. If they were 'honest', their wives would Know that they are seeking out single women!
In OLD-land, it is best to write with someone for about a week (this might change due to someone working out of town,etc), then talk on the phone, and during that conversation, you make a plan to meet within the week. If it has not gone this way, I have found that it does not work very well. There are exceptions to every rule, but this is a good standard, I feel.
Do speak to someone;it is a good idea after a divorce in any case, as it is traumatic to the heart, no matter how well it all goes.
The best to you, and come here often, I find that those here help me with honesty, empathy and show me reality, regularly--it is wonderful!
Truly,
Cupcake
Good morning, Carol. Welcome to the board.
I would suggest the first thing you need to do is go over your post and delete all reference to yourself and read all references to your friend, and in particular:
"He would always email back with the nicest,but curt messages. We were finally about to get together and with his job, he was transferred out of state. He is accepting this. Doesn't feel too upset about the situation because we "never met or had a chance to get to know each well enough is feel regret about this"and wants to remain on-line friends. "
Sounds like the advice given to you so far (i.e. until you meet there is no relationship), doesn't it?
He has made it clear to you that a relationship with you is not in the cards. Accept it and move on. I guarantee you will not get any more replies from him as he has said what needs to be said.
To continue to pursue him now would make you a stalker.
Good luck!
amjay