What is up with guys' profiles?
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| Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:05pm |
I've been divorced and alone for almost six years. In that time, I have had maybe a dozen dates. Yes, that's all. I'm not much of a dater ... never was. But I swear, I do NOT understand the profiles that guys put up! They want no games, yet, we have to understand that means that we're not to reply to them too quickly or they'll think we're too eager. They want a relationship, but they don't want to commit the time. Case in point: my last ... uh, whatever you wanna call it ... was a guy that I really enjoyed being around. We talked on the phone A LOT (he called me, not the other way around), and when we finally met, it was very comfortable. We shared a lot of the same ideals and interests and I thought this was gonna be something special. Then he cancelled on me for date #2, citing that his 17-year-old daughter wanted some quality time with her dad. Fine. I sent him an email telling him that I was disappointed, but hoped we could make it up sometime. So we had another date (date #3, but really just the second date that actually happened) ... it went GREAT ... and then date #4, he cancelled again, citing this time that he had to work. Now, I don't know about you ladies, but when someone cancels on me 30 minutes before he's supposed to be at my house for a dinner that I spent most of the day preparing, I was not only disappointed, I was upset! Yes, I wrote him again and he said that he couldn't guarantee that he would ever be able to keep his appointments with me and therefore couldn't give me what I needed and deserved. Fine. We parted ways. But what REALLY pisses me off is that the very first line of his profile is "If you're looking for a man who will be there for you, then I'm your guy". WHA?! I finally told him on our goodbye conversation that I don't know of any woman that would endure an "I'll see you if and when I see you" kind of relationship!
I began reading profiles after that. A close friend told me to get back up on that horse and start contacting other men, but y'know ... every single profile says something to the effect of "tired of games" or "want a best friend" or "will be there for you" ... how in the WORLD are you supposed to know?!?
Basically, I'm sick of being alone, and sick of trying to do this weird internet dance just to find out if a guy even is close to who he portrays himself to be ... all without making any kind of "emotional" testimony (makes 'em run), or being too flirty (makes 'em horny), or without being too clingy, needy, whiney ... sheesh. Who wrote these rules and how on earth do you ever figure out how to play the game without playing the game?!? And how is anyone gonna know who I am without spending time to find out or without letting me talk to him about real issues? I'm told men don't want real issues. They want FUN. They want FLIRTING. They want someone who's a Stepford Wife ... but an unmarried version. I'm beginning to think that I'm a freak of nature who will die alone because I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!
Okay. I'm long-winded and a rant a lot. But I tell you ... this whole internet dating thing is my only shot ... I live in a small town, am a single mom, and work 50 hours a week, so it's not like there's a place here to meet men unless you own a .38 and want to go to the local dive bars. Eccch! I guess I'm way too emotional a creature to be cold and heartless ... which is how you have to act when you're on this venue!!
Sorry. I hope you all will endure my ramblings. And thanks for listening.
~~h~~

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Welcome to the board...I know many of us share your frustrations!
I take everything that's said in a profile with a big grain of salt. The only way you're going to KNOW whether someone is the way they describe themselves in their profile is to date them for at least a few months (or less...as in your example when it became clear after only a few dates that he wasn't reliable).
And yes, you do have to have a very thick skin to be ok with online dating, because you just can't get attached to the outcome too soon (even more so than in regular dating), or it just gets too hard.
Anyway, again, welcome and we can all commisserate (and it's not only men who are misleading in their profiles, as the guys on this board can attest...).
Sheri
I realize that there are women out there that would step over the dead body of the man at their side to get to the new blood across the room. I know women who can comfortably date two or three (or more) at a time. I know women who can have sex with someone, get up the next morning and leave and never look back. I don't happen to be one of them. At this point, though, I can't get a guy to just TALK to me for more than a week or three, which is not enough time to get to know someone. Even at that, everything I'm reading about "how to internet date" says that you shouldn't reveal too much too soon. I'm working on a two-week timetable, apparently, so what's too soon?! I wish that every dating service came with a decoder glasses that you could put on and then read the profile, and it would descramble all the "this is what I need to say to attract someone", instead revealing the truth!! (note to self: start work on the decoder thingie ...)
Most of my life, I've been the dead body that people have stepped over. My ex stepped over me to get to the new woman. My father stepped over the entire family to get to his new wife. I've been the one that picks up the phone at 3 a.m. and talks down a freaking friend (male) because he's done something or someone stupid. I'm the bailout call, the confidante, the punch-on-the-arm bud ... but never the "d*mn I can't live without her".
I'm tired of being left behind. And I'm tired of being that dancing chicken on the hotplate. Where the H*LL is the reward at the end of the dance?! The world is geared to coupledom, and every single day, even if you have a rewarding career and a great kid, that fact just freakin hurts.
~~h~~
Can you clarify what you mean by "At this point, though, I can't get a guy to just TALK to me for more than a week or three, which is not enough time to get to know someone"?
If you're referring to talking before meeting, I'm a big believer of NOT talking to someone much before meeting in person. I usually exchange 3-4 "light" emails, talk on the phone briefly (10-15 min), then meet for coffee. You can't get to know someone over emails or over the phone, you need to take it to real life ASAP. All you're trying to do in the emails and phone calls is weed out obvious nut jobs, basically.
Let me know if you get that decoder thingie perfected ;-).
Sheri
Ms Holly...
I feel for you. I hate being a singleton in a couple's world. When I go out to a movie, yes, sometimes alone, I hate feeling like i stand out.
But I like movies, so I do it anyway. :)
I don't know quite how to put it, so I'm going to be blunt. Sorry in advance.
I would imagine that the vibe you're putting out now is more of a frustration-rant kind of thing than anything else... but if you're putting out this kind of vibe, even on a reduced level, in your OLD profile and/or in real life, it's going to hurt you.
Guys- no, strike that- nobody wants to be with someone who's bummed on things and on life. I'm not saying you're always like that; I have no way of knowing. But the best way to attract and be around a happy person is to BE a happy person; in this respect, like attracts like.
There's a lot of head case guys online. There's also plenty of good ones. Like NWW said, the only real way to weed them out is to go out and spend time with them. Dating sucks. It absolutely and completely blows, in many ways. The nervousness, the fear of rejection, the fear of getting stood up, dealing with loserdudes like a guy who'd bail 30 minutes prior to a date (and who has the NERVE to claim he'll "be there for you-except for about 50% of the dates you schedule).
But there's a lot of good to be had as well. I have some great friends that I've made by dating. Lousy as a couple, but good as friends. I learned about myself and things that bug me about someone else are often just things that I actually don't like about ME.
When you hit upon the right guy, you won't be able to be "too flirty" or "too needy" or anything. Whatever you do and he does will be in sync with one another.
Unfortunately, in the meanwhile, we're stuck doing the dating thing. (And it's NOT just an OLD thing- dating "in real life" is just the same way.)
My suggestion to you is to take a little break from OLD. Go out and figure out yourself, really well. Know what makes you happy, and do some of that, whether it be gardening or hiking or reading to your child or whatever. Be sure you are in a good place for you; then your real self and true character will shine from you like the sun on a clear spring day.
THEN... re-write your profile. While you're in a happy state. It will reflect that happiness and work much more in your favor to attract happy, good men. When you date (and you should) don't waste the pretty- if a guy seems flakey, you need to move on down the road to the NEXT guy.
This doesn't mean you NEXT them for nothing; but it does mean that you don't keep throwing good money after bad, either.
And hang in there. We've all been there and done that, and most of us will be there and do that yet again. :)
Thanks for the advice. You make a lot of sense, and it's not the first time I've heard "don't worry, be happy". Sometimes that's easier said than done, though. I do try to have a generally upbeat facade for the world ... not necessarily how I feel on the inside, but I try very hard to hide it. Life is hard, and I still don't understand why it is that we're not allowed to feel (or God forbid, express) that part of it ... like it's some sort of sin if we are overworked, overstressed, want to go postal, and in real need of a good, long, truthful hug and someone to lean on. I love parts of my life ... I really do ... but there are still parts that would be so much NICER and easier to bear if I had a partner.
Anyway, I had already planned to let my subscription to Match expire, which will pretty much take me completely out of the dating circuit because short of using church as a dating service, there's no place to meet single people in this town unless you're under 21 (college town ... but they're religious colleges). Guess that'll give me PLENTY of time to figure out "me".
BTW ... I'm glad to know it's not just me that thought the 50% bail-out rate was excessive. When he got so uppity about me having an issue with it, I began to question whether I was being way too demanding.
Thanks again for taking time to give me advice.
~~h~~
After a while don't you feel as if you're flypaper for emotional cripples?....
Welcome to Online Dating!
I sometimes feel like I should have handrails and seatbelts installed because all most of the guys want is a ride anyway!
Thanks for the welcome!
~~h~~
I hear what you're saying, however, the one time that I agreed to meet a guy after speaking with him on the phone just once was a disaster. He ended up being a scary headjob that threatened to sue me for MONTHS for anything from "verbal threats" (asking him to leave me alone) to "turning his name into internet porn sites" (he had links to these kinds of sites all over his webpage). He showed up at my house uninvited, called my work incessantly, dedicated songs to me on the local radio station ... it was crazy! He scared me because I didn't really know what he was capable of. To this day, I still get sweaty palms when I give my number out ... so that's why I usually talk for a while before agreeing to meet. I know that talking for a while won't necessarily guarantee that I won't run into Ted Bundy or something ... but at least maybe I'll get a glint of trouble before it raises it's ugly head!!
I'll be sure to post if I get those glasses perfected! I think I'll make them rose-colored ... LOL!
~~h~~
Um, I'm going to be more blunt.
.
>>I do try to have a generally upbeat facade for the world ... not necessarily how I feel on the inside, but I try very hard to hide it.<<
Then you are being fake, which guys are going to pick up on; and the sad feelings on the inside are going to keep drawing exactly the kind of guys you don't want.
You can't just FAKE being happy and expect that to work in drawing happy people. That's not true happiness.
As long as you're doing it as a "facade" you're going to keep getting weirdos.
Okay. Thanks.
~~h~~
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