What happens next?
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| Tue, 12-12-2006 - 12:24am |
You guys are probably telling me to shut up right about now. Sorry....I hope there isn't a limit on how many posts we are allowed to make. I know I've posted plenty recently.
I just need some help with how to proceed with this guy. For those of you who didn't read my previous posts, I had a date saturday night with a hot, funny, charismatic smooth-talker who could charm a poor man out of his last dollar (and he almost charmed me out of my clothes!). I really like him, there is a definited connection, but I'm skeptical because he may be a player.
However, I'm definitely going to give him a chance. The problem is he doesn't like to talk on the phone and he's been text messaging me, but only silly comments. They make me laugh, sure, but we aren't getting anywhere. I had a very difficult breakup six months ago where the guy said I was too needy (I was coming off an icky separation and not even divorced yet, so he was right). So then I went too far the other way and now I'm afraid to make any move for fear that I'll seem clingy. On the other hand, I don't want to be this guy's text messaging pal. So boring! I've tried the cute flirty messages, as suggested in a previous post, but that still didn't get anywhere.
Also, since I went way too far physically with him on our first and only date, I feel really wierd. I don't want him to think I'm going to sleep with him (although just between us, if there is a guy who will make me break by no-sex-before-marriage vow, it's definitely him), but I don't want him to think that I think he owes me anything, like emotional attachment or something. I would simply like to get to know him and see where it goes.
Would it be out of line to email him and lay all this out? I hate feeling like I'm this guy's amusing pastime. We were texting back and forth a little while ago and he just ended it by not responding to my last text, as he did yesterday. I wonder if his wife or girlfriend came into the room or something....: / Ugh. I really do not need this in my life right now. Stupid boys :P On the other hand, he told me that he's not a phone person and neither am I since I'm all business on the phone. I say what I need to say to make plans or whatever, and that's it. So I understand where he is coming from, so would it really be fair for me to insist that he call me if he wants to communicate with me?

No, no, no, no, no!!!! Do not even THINK about having that type of talk yet, it is FAR too early. And by email, no less???? Don't even GO there! All he needs to know at this point is that sex is not on the agenda this early on and you can tell him that in conversation the next time you see him in person.
Has he even asked you for another date yet? Don't get ahead of yourself. Flirty text messages don't mean anything. If and when he actually asks you out on another date, then you can start thinking about how you'll approach that date.
Why are you trying to rationalize his not calling you, if that's what you prefer? It's not about "fair", it's about finding someone who's a good fit for you. If you want phone calls, then ask for phone calls. If he says no, then you either settle for texts or you move on to find someone who wants to do what makes YOU comfortable as opposed to doing what makes him comfortable.
Sheri
You're right I am getting ahead of myself. He asked me on several dates while we were on our first date, just more in a way of saying what he would like for us to do together (dinner, spring training game, etc.) Nothing was set. Whoa, I got way too emotionally involved with this one. It's because I went so far physically. I am so so glad I didn't sleep with him, because then it would have been far worse.
And I'm getting so weary of this. I think I'll take a break from dating for a while. :P
"Future talk" about possible dates in the future doesn't count as actually asking you out on a date, but I think you realize that. Future talk is also a big red flag, because how the HECK does a guy know he's going to want to go to spring training with you months down the road, when you barely KNOW each other?
Someone who used to post on these boards used to say, "take everything that's said in the first 3 months with a BIG grain of salt". While I think that she may have been going a little overboard ;-), she was definitely onto something. When I hear that kind of stuff, I always say to myself, "yeah, we'll see buddy, let's get through the first couple of dates first", LOL.
Physical involvement has the same effect on me so I totally understand where you're coming from--but you need to remind yourself that you don't KNOW this guy yet. If and when he asks you out on another date, then you can decide what you want to do at that point.
Sheri
The guy that recently disappeared on me did a lot of talking about future dates and what we would do together, and then poof - gone! I think men get far more caught up in the moment than women do; they tend to talk about 'the future' a lot more than women do and I agree with Sheri, take a wait and see attitude. As another old poster used to say; watch the feet, not the lips. What they say and what they do are often two totally different things.
Hope he proves to be a man of his word!
Good luck.
Coolas
Oh lordy I got a gut feeling this one isn't going to end well at all. This isn't a negative perspective but one coming from the fact that this man could very possibly destroy your commitment to yourself and disappear on you. You need to really think this one out. You did more than you had promised yourself with him and he may just feel you're a challenge to conquer and disappear. Please do not misunderstand me here I am not saying he's a bad guy I just know that your commitment to yourself is precious (or is it if you are able to admit throwing it out the door for this man who has shown no promise of a long term relationship) and to just give it away and lose it to a total stranger sounds like a bad idea.
Why did you make this commitment to yourself if you are just going to lose it so quickly??? AND to someone that you don't even know is married or not......what the heck??? Then your commitment isn't strong and doesn't have any value?????? These are questions you need to ask yourself. Why exactly did you establish this in the first place????
This has disappointment written all over it.......maybe you put too high an expectation on yourself. You are an amazing human being and to give yourself away to anyone and everyone that you are attracted to isn't a good thing. There are names for women like that and I don't believe that is you. Sex means different things for a man than it does for a woman and we have to do all we can to protect ourselves.
Don't just give it up for just anyone....AND YES HE'S JUST ANYONE!!!
F
This has "cat and mouse" written all over it. He's dangling the cheese and you're batting at it. Who's in charge here?
Stop returning his text messages and see what happens.
Hi lostbee4,
He's not a phone person? But he's a texting person. Hmm, Is this a new spin on the perpetual IMer!?
I don't think he sounds genuine and serious enough to really be looking for something of substance with you. I'd just stop replying to his texts. If he really likes you, he'll call you when you stop replying. Get a hold of yourself girl! ;)
You said, "So I understand where he is coming from, so would it really be fair for me to insist that he call me if he wants to communicate with me?"
YES it's fair.
I wouldn't email him to lay it all out. Guys know how to pursue to make something happen, to advance the relationship if they want to.
Sorry, but it sounds like he's just having fun with you with no intention of coming at this from another angle.
Devorah
I agree with everyone else - & even what you said, you got WAY too emotionally charged here, too soon. Thank GOD you didnt sleep with him.
Something like this happened to me, and I hated it. I had a date with a guy who seemed to have insight into what I really want and he talked a lot of "future talk" about it. He painted word pictures of how we would be together, of what interesting dates we would have, what he liked so much about me, eventually on subsequent dates he talked about where we would live, He also charmed me into sex by the third date. Then he became very distant. I finally realized he had someone else all along. I was crushed.
About a year later I got an email message from him, "Long time, no see." Maybe his other realtionship didn't work out. I wrote back and said sorry, I'm busy. Six months later I got another email from him. What a creep.