What the heck happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2010
What the heck happened?
16
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 1:27pm

So here's the situation...I met a guy on a dating website.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 4:42pm

If you don't mind me asking....How old are you?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 4:40am

"PS....I know there are some women on here who say..."but I slept with the guy I was dating on our first date, and now we are married five years later, etc...etc..." THAT IS THE EXCEPTION, NOT THE RULE!!"

I dunno, it happened to me twice. Five years, and four years respectively.

I don't think guys lose interest BECAUSE you sleep with them too early. I think it's more that if all they want is sex then they are going to lose interest no matter what you do. Likewise if a guy is interested in a relationship he will still be interested even if you have sex on the first date.

With both of those relationships I spoke of, I basically had sex without having any hopes or expectations of it going anywhere past that one night. I had done so far more times than just those two relationships, and most of the time it didn't go anywhere. But since I didn't expect it to it wasn't any big deal. I rarely contacted any of them myself afterward, and if they contacted me a bunch more times only then did I even think about them possibly being BF material. OP went about it backwards, and that doesn't work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 9:33am

So, you had just 3 dates with him, two of which were "home" dates? After a first-meet it's too quick to be all comfortable by only going to each other's house. I honestly think that's the problem right there. The way a guy treats you is totally different if you are dating/getting to know each other out in public, bonding over activities, dinners out, etc. Having a homedate early on is fine, but I think you should have not accepted as a first date and especially not a 2nd and a third. Act like you have some dignity and something to protect (which you DO! :) and you will see the song and dance go differently.

I've noticed that a guy has much more respect for me and works much harder when he has to peel the privileges layer by layer :-) And if he decides he's not interested then I am fine, I didn't let intimacy go into illusion zone by spending time at each other's place all before I even really know him, complicating my emotions.

I think you should invite him out to some more exciting place that he has perhaps mentioned before, somewhere you know he'd like to go! Surely you can think of somewhere. If I were you I'd immediately try to set the pace differently. Don't let time go by for him to conclude something about you this early on.




Edited 5/19/2010 9:49 am ET by iridescentpeach
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 11:14am

Thanks so much for the great responses.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 9:27pm

The fact that he invited you over to his house so soon (after only one date)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 9:18pm

A guy offering to cook dinner for a girl early in the dating game is his way of sweetening the pot to have sex with the girl. It's the current "line" they use to get you in bed.

Like Sheri said, him inviting you to his home on the 2nd, 3rd date was a red flag that he's looking for sex. Also, for some people the new expectation is to have sex by the 3rd date. If that's what you're into ... great ... but don't (typically) expect a guy to come calling for a relationship afterward.

Sorry this one didn't turn out the way you had hoped.

zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 8:29pm

I've been at both ends of the spectrum.

I've slept with guys on the third date a couple of times, and still saw them for a while after that, but they seemed to evolve into FWB's without my "consent". Lots of texting, too.

My boyfriend (yes, I can finally say that word) of the last several months also "made me dinner" on our third date, with him being VERY clear that he wanted to sleep with me. All the requisite texting...which made me think I was having a repeat performance of the other guys. But as opposed to those other guys, I am still seeing him. We talk every single day, we are involved with each others kids, lives, met parents, etc.

The texting has died down to zero because he confessed he really hates to text, he was just using it to get my attention.

I guess what I am saying is don't beat yourself up. This does happen. But not all guys are crass and trying to get you into bed. Well, OK, they ARE ALL trying to get you into bed, but some have more long-term intentions than others. The trick is figuring out which ones are and which ones aren't. It's nearly impossible!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 9:34pm

I cannot speculate why the guy lost interest. I know there are "rules" that once you sleep with someone then us guys lose interest. For myself, I know I would lose interest if the woman does not want to sleep with me after a while (but don't have a timetable). I have slept with two women on the second date and both (and one still is) are long term, committed relationships.

There are a plethora of reasons why this guy has bailed. After such intimacy, he realized he could not handle intimacy in the non-sexual sense. He might have realized that he wanted to have more of a variety of women. He may have realized that you are not "The One" after all. Or after sex, he has gained enough self confidence to see if there are others out there he can try out.

Regardless, I am not sure if this experience should dictate your future behavior with the next guy and I would write this guy off.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 05-30-2010 - 7:03pm

"I guess I just don't understand how everything could change so quickly."

Maybe he's still dating others and someone else piqued his interest. Or maybe he didn't enjoy the sex. Maybe he felt like you'd want an exclusive relationship now that you've had sex and that's not what he wants. Maybe he's overwhelmed himself with how much he likes you.

Or maybe he was just busy with friends and family that weekend.

Who knows?

What you do is continue dating and let him contact you. Make yourself busy so that if he calls you might NOT be available to him when he wants to see you, and maybe realize that you ARE dating others and he'll have to step up his game a little to get your time/ attention. If he doesn't contact you again, then you'll know he's not interested.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 8:08pm

I’m not so sure that he’s lost interest.

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