what I learned from the failure..
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| Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:19am |
- If a guy is talking with you via email but still cruising the date site and checking chicks every day, give him no excuses, go NEXT.
- If a guy rarely calls you "to just chat" or even if he calls, he tries to cut the conversation w/in 15 min, go NEXT.
- If a guy doesn't sincerely respond to your complaints or requests (i.e. says, "you can call me later." instead of "I'm sorry my doing such and such made you uncomfortable." etc.,) go NEXT.
- If you aren't 100% happy from how he treats you, go NEXT.
There're lots of fish out there, don't settle & you'd rather enjoy being alone.
...and...
- Until you're 100% sure that the guy is madly crazy for you, don't go to bed.
Heh, the guy I dated turned out to be a big J*rk. He completely ignored my email once I complained how I was neglected, and when I knocked his door for the final meeting to just say, "thank you, good bye." (shouldn't have done that, I know.) even ignored & didn't answer. Great. This is someone who was very sweet & I was sleeping with for a few months. Now I should bang my head how stupid I was!! yep, silly me.

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Ah, I see ;-). To me, it's just confirmation of what I said in another post...there are *lots* of unhealthy people out there, and personally I'm not interested in settling for one of them (and I don't think most people on this board are either), so we have to keep looking for that needle in the haystack! There *are* some needles out there, though...I know too many people who have met them to give up hope!
I disagree *strongly* that continuing to log onto a dating site before you've expressly agreed to be exclusive is a sign that HJNTIY. It's just smart dating. Just because that turned out to be the case with THIS guy, doesn't mean it's true for everyone. You had other red flags with this guy...his being online was not the determining factor. Plus, you should NEVER have "high hopes" with someone early on, anyway ;-) (and to me, "early on" in this context means the first 3-4 months, as it takes that long to get to know someone well enough to know if they have potential).
Sheri
And that is just another indication that this guy wasn't right for you...if a guy is right for you, the exclusive talk won't be "pressure" at all, because he will want the same things, and be on the same page with you.
I feel very strongly that anytime we are afraid to talk to someone we are dating about something important (whether it's exclusivity or something else), that's a sign that he's not right for us...we know, in our hearts, that the answer is not going to be the one we want, and that's why we're afraid. In every r'ship I've had that has lasted for a while, I wasn't *afraid* to talk about the hard stuff (I'm not saying it was easy...there's some nervousness of course, but I wasn't afraid).
Sheri
>>I just wonder.. we have great advices on others' such as what to expect or how to act etc., and how come we're hanging here? (except NGOL) Just feel like I'll never come across anyone...<<
I hang here and I'm in a realtionship for almost 6 months with a man I met on OLD. SP and CGUN are in relationships too. I'm here for the good company.
I don't know how long you've been involved with OLD, but it takes time, patience and a thick skin...and some luck. I do know it can be SO hard. So I guess my point is that it CAN happen for you too.
>>I expect certain degrees of feelings, emotions and sincerity to each other, I guess I was just dreaming.<<
Well, in a way, yes it *is* dreaming.
See, here's the thing. Right now you're bummed that he didn't live up to the expectations that were in YOUR head. But if you never mentioned them to him, and you never expressed them, and you never let him know the conditions of what it meant to you, then how on earth is he supposed to know?
Now, personally, I'm with you. Unless it's very clearly a one-night-stand kind of situation, if people are sleeping together that generally implies a certain level of committment. I've been in both situations; had the ohmygodthrowmeonthefloorandDOme kind of sex where it was obviously just a one-night deal, and had the more meaningful relationship where sex equals a certain level of expectations.
In fact, with my current gf, I think that *I* had a higher level of expectations when it came to sex than she did. I wanted to know that it was very emotionally meaningful, that it wasn't just a physical need being worked out.
It's kind of ironic, but the more I'm into someone the longer I'll wait to have sex and the more importance I attach to it. :)
Anyway, what I wanted to point out was that it's kind of madness to be trashing on a guy because he didn't live up to whatever expectations you built up in your head.
If you want to be treated a certain way, it's up to YOU to ensure that it happens. Don't make a guy try to be a mindreader, because guys generally SUCK at it. I know I do.
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NGOL - I love that!! It just might be my new motto. Thank you!
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I have an argument about this. Telling him what I expect him to do or what his behavior means to me surely gives him some hint, but I believe that anyone with forced behavior (I'm exaggerating this part) is not how he really is, and it won't last, anyway, unless I'm the most important thing on earth for him. I think how he really is means most, and if he's acting already very different from how I want him to be, I've come to the conclusion that it simply means that we're looking for different people.
Also, o.k. I might be already very angry by the time I complained, but if he was willing to listen and talk about it, it was the chance that I let him know. Still, he didn't do anything about it: again, no mail, no call, nothing. If I didn't call him later, we never talked anything forever, and he was gone. I think at the point, it's enough to say it was the end of the story. He was not willing to listen or work with my request.
When he didn't talk to me for 10 days or so before, which happened twice, I sent him polite emails, saying that I would just accept that he wasn't interested in me and we could stop talking, only after which he hastily replied, "do you want to take back the words?" - no apology, no explanation. I won't give him the innocent excuse.
I think what you say about sex and emotion is so true. The more you're into the person, the more you start thinking about the meaning, and I think that's how things should be always.
>>Still, he didn't do anything about it: again, no mail, no call, nothing.<<
I don't think I'm explaining myself very well.
What I'm trying to get at is that I keep hearing you putting the blame (for how you are feeling) on *him*.
From you, I'm hearing that it's HIS fault that he didn't call for 10 days. It's HIS fault that you kept feeling lousy when he didn't do anything to make you feel better (after you expressed your anger).
Well, that's a load of hooey. How you feel is not up to someone else- it's up to YOU. If someone doesn't call for 10 days and you let them know that's not acceptable to you, and they start doing it again, why on earth would you put any more time into that person?
You're giving HIM the power over your feelings, and you need to keep it for yourself. Why would you give up your power?
You deserve to feel good, not bad; if you give the power away to some guy who's already demonstrated a couple of times that he's careless with it, it shouldn't surprise you at all when it happens again.
When you first start going out with someone is when you are teaching them and showing them and telling them your expecations.
If they demonstrate that they're unwilling to put up with those, then the answer is simple- NEXT. If you see that these things are not important to you, then it's time for NEXT.
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>>When he didn't talk to me for 10 days or so before, which happened twice, I sent him polite emails, saying that I would just accept that he wasn't interested in me and we could stop talking...<<
Forgive me, but this guy has pulled something like that TWICE, and you're still using energy on him? At what point, exactly, are you going to say that it's no longer HIS fault that you feel lousy and step up and take the responsibility upon yourself?
You know the old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME."
When he didn't communicate for 10 days, why send him a "kick me" email? That's what your email was saying- "if you don't want to talk to me that's okay, I'll just move on..." Why bother saying that? He's ALREADY not talking to you! He certainly didn't seem to need your permission, did he?!?
I think it's good that you're reflecting upon this. I might well be wrong with my impression, but I keep hearing your message that this "failure" and the subsequent crummy feelings that you're stuck to deal with are all this guy's fault. They're not- your feelings are up to you.
If you want to have good feelings, here's what you do: You make it clear, through your explicit, expressed words, and through your actions, what you are going to accept and what you are not in terms of how he behaves, how he talks to you, and so forth.
You don't give him the power; you retain it for yourself. You don't give yourself up to him emotionally until you trust that he's going to behave responsibly with that trust. You don't FORCE his behavior a certain way- that's getting back to making HIM live up to YOUR expectations.
But that's just my opinion. YMMV. ;)
Hi NGOL,
That's exactly what I am doing - three strikes, and he's out.
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