What, is it all just a game now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What, is it all just a game now?
7
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:44pm

I started talking to two guys on Match two weeks ago, and it progressed to the phone for one, Ryan. We talked on the phone three times, and he asked if I wanted to go out. We decided on tomorrow night for a quick coffee or appetizer. When I talked to him on Monday night, we left things fine. He was supposed to call me last night, but I ended up having an unexpected Mary Kay party to go to, so I e-mailed him and told him, and suggested that he call me tonight, so we could decide where we wanted to meet tomorrow night.

And he never called.

The second guy, Brandon, asked for my phone number on Sunday, and said that he would call me on Monday or Tuesday night, and gave me his phone number, too. He said that if we got along well on the phone, maybe we could set up a meeting. Well, both nights came and went, and no call.

So, is it now just a game for a guy to get a girl's phone number? Is that the new "score" system? Why would you go to the trouble of getting a phone number, or god forbid, calling three times and setting up a tentative date, only to back out before the actual date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 8:57am
I am not sure - but for me, if I give my number ... even IF i

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:00am

I had a very similar experience when I started doing OLD. A friend who is a therapist and has had male clients who do OLD has told me in a general way (because being more specific would affect confidentiality) that sometimes the guy just panics, decides you won't like him, and rather than risk that, just ghosts.

So it isn't all about the guys getting your phone number for their collection.

I've also gotten the impression that there are a lot of guys on OLD who are incapable of forming real relationships for some reason and who use this medium to daydream about relationships and/or to reassure themselves that they could have relationships if they wanted. The guy who talked to you while his friends were around may have been in this second group.

It is possible that some of these guys honestly believe that when "the right one" comes, they will suddenly be thinner, stronger and more self-confident, and they will be able to meet her. It just doesn't seem to work out that way.

For us, it is pretty unpleasant. But I just bet that there are some women just as dysfunctional as these guys who are giving nice, sensible men a hard time. Too bad the dysfunctional men and women can't find each other and the nice guys could find us.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:10pm

Well, here we go again...the second guy, Brandon, e-mailed me again today, and said that he had caught the flu, and hadn't been feeling well, but he was hoping he could call me tonight? So I e-mailed back and said that was fine, that I would be home.

Do you think he called?

Nope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:41am
It is extremely frustrating. I have had the same happen myself and wonder why. I have one explanation as to why though because I'm now in a relationship with a man who almost never wrote me back, but who is very into me now. I winked at my new bf sometime back in September and he never wrote to me or winked back because he read my profile and thought that I would be too good for him and that he wasn't what I was looking for so he decided to just let it go but kept me as a recent view on match. Then I wrote to him about a month later (which I never would have done normally but I forgot that I winked at him to begin with) and he answered saying that if I had taken the time to contact him twice (unknowingly on my part) it must be that I did see him as someone I'm looking for. So I agree with the other poster in that sometimes the guys just don't have the courage enough to want to pursue because they are afraid that they won't live up to our expectations. Granted this is no excuse but it can be a reason. They do need to get over it though and I'm glad my bf did finally get over his fears and realized that if I took the time to wink and write to him then I must have seriously wanted to meet him. He's super glad now that I decided to do that :-) I always took it personally as the person just wasn't that into me or met someone else better than me every time I wouldn't hear back from someone but sometimes it's out of fear of rejection too. But the guy that's brave enough to come forth and continue with it is the guy that you want to be with, forget those that continue with that fear and never want to meet up with you or chicken out at the beginning stages. NEXT
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:53am

Yes, it is better to look for the guys who have the courage to actually contact you and meet. Whatever the reasons for some guys not meeting, the result is you don't meet.

I'm sure there's women out there like that also. The men may see them as "teases" when the women are just insecure. The "why" doesn't change the results.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:57am
yeah this is definately true, the results are the same. I guess I was just eluding to the fact that sometimes we get so caught up in it being because they aren't interested in us and it gets us down, but there could be other reasons involved, so we can't beat ourselves up for reasons because we don't know what those reasons are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 2:01pm

I think everyone is insecure (to a degree). How people handle that insecurity is the deciding factor here though. I think there comes a point in your 30's or 40's where you have to realize that if there's nothing ventured, there's nothing gained. You have to risk something in order to get something. It's not a hard thing to grasp, but many people (men and women) would just as soon be alone than risk rejection. And I can understand that as I've felt rejection so deeply that I vowed to quit trying. Eventually, I always get the courage to try again.

One thing that would make dating a lot easier is if people actually DID what they said they would do. Don't tell someone you will call if you are not going to. It is important to follow through (and that goes for both men & women). Don't leave someone hanging. That is just plain rude in my opinion. Many men are not serious about meeting someone. They view OLD as a game, and while not all fit into that category, there are some who get their kicks out of it. For the others who assume that they are not good enough for someone who has shown interest, then they need to gather some courage and realize that responding IS part of the deal in OLD. Otherwise, they will be alone and fearing rejection once again.