What, is it all just a game now?
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| Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:44pm |
I started talking to two guys on Match two weeks ago, and it progressed to the phone for one, Ryan. We talked on the phone three times, and he asked if I wanted to go out. We decided on tomorrow night for a quick coffee or appetizer. When I talked to him on Monday night, we left things fine. He was supposed to call me last night, but I ended up having an unexpected Mary Kay party to go to, so I e-mailed him and told him, and suggested that he call me tonight, so we could decide where we wanted to meet tomorrow night.
And he never called.
The second guy, Brandon, asked for my phone number on Sunday, and said that he would call me on Monday or Tuesday night, and gave me his phone number, too. He said that if we got along well on the phone, maybe we could set up a meeting. Well, both nights came and went, and no call.
So, is it now just a game for a guy to get a girl's phone number? Is that the new "score" system? Why would you go to the trouble of getting a phone number, or god forbid, calling three times and setting up a tentative date, only to back out before the actual date?

I had a very similar experience when I started doing OLD. A friend who is a therapist and has had male clients who do OLD has told me in a general way (because being more specific would affect confidentiality) that sometimes the guy just panics, decides you won't like him, and rather than risk that, just ghosts.
So it isn't all about the guys getting your phone number for their collection.
I've also gotten the impression that there are a lot of guys on OLD who are incapable of forming real relationships for some reason and who use this medium to daydream about relationships and/or to reassure themselves that they could have relationships if they wanted. The guy who talked to you while his friends were around may have been in this second group.
It is possible that some of these guys honestly believe that when "the right one" comes, they will suddenly be thinner, stronger and more self-confident, and they will be able to meet her. It just doesn't seem to work out that way.
For us, it is pretty unpleasant. But I just bet that there are some women just as dysfunctional as these guys who are giving nice, sensible men a hard time. Too bad the dysfunctional men and women can't find each other and the nice guys could find us.
Elsa
Well, here we go again...the second guy, Brandon, e-mailed me again today, and said that he had caught the flu, and hadn't been feeling well, but he was hoping he could call me tonight? So I e-mailed back and said that was fine, that I would be home.
Do you think he called?
Nope.
Yes, it is better to look for the guys who have the courage to actually contact you and meet. Whatever the reasons for some guys not meeting, the result is you don't meet.
I'm sure there's women out there like that also. The men may see them as "teases" when the women are just insecure. The "why" doesn't change the results.
Elsa
I think everyone is insecure (to a degree). How people handle that insecurity is the deciding factor here though. I think there comes a point in your 30's or 40's where you have to realize that if there's nothing ventured, there's nothing gained. You have to risk something in order to get something. It's not a hard thing to grasp, but many people (men and women) would just as soon be alone than risk rejection. And I can understand that as I've felt rejection so deeply that I vowed to quit trying. Eventually, I always get the courage to try again.
One thing that would make dating a lot easier is if people actually DID what they said they would do. Don't tell someone you will call if you are not going to. It is important to follow through (and that goes for both men & women). Don't leave someone hanging. That is just plain rude in my opinion. Many men are not serious about meeting someone. They view OLD as a game, and while not all fit into that category, there are some who get their kicks out of it. For the others who assume that they are not good enough for someone who has shown interest, then they need to gather some courage and realize that responding IS part of the deal in OLD. Otherwise, they will be alone and fearing rejection once again.