What I've learned tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
What I've learned tonight
16
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:29pm

Ok, so I'm jetlagged and forcing myself to stay awake by searching through match....

1. Men think it's ok to put in their profile that they only want a blue eyed woman

2. Men claim to be open about other religions unless that other religion is conservative Christianity

3. Men have no idea what voluptuous means (I mean, they put slim, slender, and voluptuous? um, ok)

4. In the same vein as 3, men are afraid that any woman over a size 4 is a blob

5. It's ok to be married and on match.com if you say you're married and that your wife is fat and you're leaving her

6. Many, many men need to learn that facial hair is not attractive on them

7. All men want a woman who "takes care of herself"

8. MEN IN DALLAS-FORT WORTH ARE SHALLOW

Ok, maybe it's time for some drastic jetlag cure measure. Sigh.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 4:54pm
I did not mean to make you feel unwelcome. But I do believe that being open to a dating someone of a religion and being open to dating someone who is devout, othodox, fundametalist or conservate are two different things. It is one thing to date someone who goes to church Easter and Christmas, it is another to date someone who goes to church or some sort of church related event multiple times a week. What they really need is a box that says I am open to dating people who attend Church with this kind of frequency. There are so many things that do not show up on a profile, some of which we have to try to read between the lines. For example how long are you willing to wait before sex? Generally we associate conservative Christain with wants to wait till marriage. I respect people who want to wait but personally I could never wait till marriage, I would want to know how the sex was before making a life long commitment. What values do you associate with being a conservative Christain? Maybe the people who are turning you down for being a conservative Christain are basing it off these same associations. It might have nothing to do with them viewing conservative Christains as judgemental. Perhaps you should should state those values in your profile instead of calling them conservative Christain. I am a Christain with a strong belief that sex is for marriage (or whatever else it is that you associate being a conservative Christain with). Then you will know what values it is that detures people and not the association of the word conservative. If religion is important to you why wouldn't you insist that the person you date is also Christain? Would it seriously not bother you to date or marry someone who was an athesist? Would you spend the rest of your life trying to convert them? Or being sad because you thought the person you loved most would be going to hell? It might not be that they think that you will shove religion in their face. I come from a Christain background but have decided it is not for me, and I know it is a dissapointment to my father. It's not that he sits there and tells me I am going to hell, but I know it hurts him. I can't imagine being married to someone who was dissapointed in me over this choice. Could you raise your kids outside the Christain religion? How would you react if your husband told your kids God doesn't exist? Think about some of these and state exactly in your profile what being a conservative Christain means to you, and what religious expectations you have of the person your dating. Maybe you should try looking into Love and Seek for OLD, it is specificially for Christain singles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 5:03am

I read thru this thread & can most certainly see it from all views. I myself have - & I am embarassed sort of to say - clicked off a profile I found possibly interesting if they seemed "too" religious - eg: someone in one i read today said something like "I talk to God everyday. He is here with me, where ever I am, he is guiding me" ... i dont know, if someoen is writing that in their profile, I think that they are ultra religious. I dont even remember what he put as his preferecnce, but either way, I dont think a liberal, ok for same sex marriage, ok for sex b4 marriage, pro-choice girl like me, is gonna "mesh" too well with anyone conservative ... & someone very religious seems "conservative" to me. But most

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 4:14pm

You've all misunderstood - although elarisa came close.

If a man says in his profile that he's open about his date's religion, and then tells me he won't date a conservative Christian, THAT is judgemental and wrong. What he says is, "I don't care what religion you are," but what he means is, "I don't care what religion are you UNLESS you're a conservative Christian, and if that's the case I don't want anything to do with you because you're a freak." See this difference? It's no different than a man saying "I don't care what your race is," and then saying, "Oh, you're black? Nevermind then." It doesn't have anything to do with who they feel they would work best with (since they say flat out that they don't care about your religion). It has to do with men judging and being hateful because of their own ignorance and predjudice.

So sorry I even vented. Won't do that again.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 9:50pm

I don't think its fair to judge a guy based on how he responds to a checkbox question. I know I would be completely guilty of the same thing, but I don't see a better way to handle it than checking the ALL Religions box.

To me the word "conservative" with respect to religion usually means adheres to a stricter code of morals, which is somewhat different from religion which to me can mean as little as what God one was raised to worship or what church they happened to be baptized in as an infant. I am still very curious to know what you believe being a "conservative Christian" means to you and why you believe this guy is totally off base in rejecting you because of it? Am I off base in believing that people who claim to be "conservative Christians" value there morals more strongly than other Christians?

On a side note what did you say in terms of your wiliness to date other religions? Did you also check the box that says open to all religions? And if you did would you actually date a Satanist or a fundamentalist Muslim? In general there are limitations to what people mean by willing to date all religions. I know I have my limitations. But unless we each wrote a novel for our profiles you are not going to gain that kind of information from a profile.

Would you rather I wrote down on my profile "I am willing to date people of all religions, but nobody who attends Church every week, nobody who believes sex is dirty or for marriage only, nobody who believes being gay is wrong, nobody who believes the world was beyond a shadow of a doubt made in seven days and there is no way evolution and creationism co-existed, nobody who believes every word in the bible is the absolute undisputable truth with no interpretation. Nobody who believes in evangelicalism, nobody who will try and convert me, I do not want to date someone who prays before every meal, nor reads the bible on a daily or even weekly or monthly basis. The person I date's bible should be nice and dusty if they even own one. I do not want to date someone who will insist on baptizing children at birth. I do not want to date anyone who claims to be 'on fire about God'. Nobody who believes God will be the center of their life, relationship or marriage. Nobody for who God or church falls within your top ten priorities. I do not want to date anyone who cannot appreciate a healthy debate on religion. The person I date needs to have an open mind about all religions. Nobody who claims to be devout, orthodox, or fundamentalist. I prefer agonistic, spiritual but not religious, pagans, and atheists. Jewish is my next choice. I will consider Christians and Catholics depending on the level to which one is committed to their religion. Muslims probably fall in last but I know very little about the religion so I am not entirely sure I would rule them out without first finding out more about what they believe." This is my actual standards on religion for the person I want to date. I also recognize this is a wish list and guideline but not all of them are complete absolutes about the person I date. I have just checked the "All Religions" box for simplicity sake and decided to sort the rest of this out later. But I am currious if there is a better way to handle this than selecting the all religions box?




Edited 8/21/2006 11:01 pm ET by lil_emanon
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 12:00pm

Please also remember that just because someone disagrees with your opinions that does not constitute an attack. It is possible to disagree without attacking another member. The Rules of Play (http://www.ivillage.com/boards/0,,b46m,00.html) ask us to "agree to disagree, respectfully" and sometimes that may mean simply walking away and ignoring a post that seems to push your buttons. We do ask that members try to avoid stereotypes and sweeping generalizations that could offend an entire race, ethnic group or culture; however, please be aware that it is very difficult to convey tone of voice or intent - particularly in a message where you are posting on a very emotional topic. Another thing to remember is that there are times when a member will vent simply to try to work through frustrations and not in an effort to open a discussion on a topic.

One of the great things about the message boards at iVillage is that you can encounter a large group of people with some shared interest and experiences, and some vastly different experiences and opinions. It's only natural to have some conflicts of opinion and personalities but as long as we can all treat one another with respect we will be fine.

In an effort to help resolve this issue, I think the original poster in the thread was frustrated that a profile proclaimed an openness and then email contact contradicted that openness with regards to religion. Obviously everyone states preferences in their OLD profiles and while these preferences are important for making good matches, I think at times of frustration, it's easy for them to be seen as prejudices. Thank you for taking time to consider your words carefully.

Corrine, Sr Community Moderator
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 11:09pm
I know I can come on a little strong at times and I have edited my last message a bit. I do apologize. But I know I would be just like the person the original poster is venting about and I am curious to know if there would be a better way to handle the situation. Just because I don't see it doesn't mean somebody else can't.

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