What kind of relationship do you want?
Find a Conversation
What kind of relationship do you want?
| Sat, 02-19-2005 - 6:45pm |
What kind of relationship do you want?
- Friend/email buddy
- Casual dating only
- Casual dating plus sex (...or just sex)
- Casual for now & "see what happens"
- Long-term but don't want to get married
- Long-term leading to marriage
- Marriage & kids
- Other, please elaborate!
You will not be able to change your vote.

I put that I wanted an LTR leading to marriage, but as I alluded to in my pathetic vent earlier today, I don't just want *any* LTR ;-)! This describes the type of r'ship I want:
What is a healthy intimate relationship?
To have a healthy intimate relationship, each partner has to make a commitment to care about the other partner, the relationship and themselves. Each works at developing good communications skills, maintaining goodwill, and fostering the flexibility to change and grow while remaining connected. Each person is respected and valued for who they truly are - not what we imagine they are or who we think they should be. While this acceptance does not mean liking everything about their behavior, it does mean that the behaviors we do not like are tolerable and nondestructive. In intimate relationships, we offer and are offered validation, understanding, and a sense of being appreciated - intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Through this process of sharing, mutual vulnerability, and care, each couple creates their own unique sense of "we" and "us".
Many of us have difficulty developing this kind of intimate relationship in spite of our desire for it because of two major fears: the fear of being close and the fear of being alone. These fears about intimacy do not mean that we are afraid of intimacy itself. Rather we are often afraid of being hurt, of not doing it right, of the price we think we have to pay for being close, or of not being able to choose how close or how far away we want to be at any particular time.
Many of us also have inaccurate beliefs about what being intimate means. We may think that we have to be close all the time or that we will hurt our partner if we pull back even a little bit. We may think that being close means always doing what our partner wants, even when it conflicts with what we want for ourselves. We may believe that we must always take care of our partner or that our partner must always take care of us. We may worry that the price of intimacy is never wanting what our partner does not provide, or we may have the equally unrealistic idea that our partner should never want what we cannot provide.
These fears often cause us to put up barriers against closeness. Yet intimacy requires sharing all parts of ourselves - our strengths as well as our weaknesses. If you would like to increase the level of intimacy in your relationship, what can you do?
Risk being open. Intimacy requires that you reveal your thoughts and feelings and that you be fully open to hearing your partner's. You both need to say what you feel and think, honestly yet diplomatically. Criticisms and denials of your feelings will result in withdrawal and will limit sharing thoughts and feelings with your partner.
Any openess that creates even a little bit of vulnerability is a risk. It is easier to take these risks if you trust that your partner will not hurt you on purpose, that they will keep your confidences, and that they will try to understand rather than judge. If you feel judged or punished when you disclose your thoughts and feelings, you will probably withdraw.
You need to offer and receive signs of caring. Feeling close is enhanced by showing we care - often in a variety of ways, including cherishing behaviors or small, inexpensive gifts. In quality relationships, these signs of caring are personal, frequent and go both ways.
When it comes to showing we care, the Golden Rule is reversed. Rather than treating our partner as we wish to be treated, we need to treat them the way they want to be treated. To do this we need to listen respectfully to their requests and to notice which of our behaviors please or displease them. If we are not sure, we need to ask. And, since no one is a mind reader, we also need to ask clearly for what we want.
Intimacy requires that a couple share important values, interests, and goals. Shared goals are a sign of commitment, and they provide a feeling of stability and a sense of the future together. When we know that our efforts are directed toward mutually agreed upon goals, it is easier to tolerate occasional neglect or differences of opinion. Each investment of our time, money and energy that benefits the relationship is a contribution to the future of "we". This is the bond that gives the relationship continuity and purpose.
A quality relationship is not a random affair, and it cannot be achieved through the efforts of only one partner. Healthy intimate relationships take both individual and combined efforts. They are built through a cohesive series of events and interchanges that are determined by each of the partners. A couple's mutual choices determine whether their relationship will be good or bad.
No, I didn't write it. It's something that one of the CLs on another board posted a while back (not sure where he got it) and I saved it because it really spoke to me.
Sheri