What Makes him "Too Nice"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
What Makes him "Too Nice"
14
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:34am

I think we've all said it or at least heard a friend say it - He's too nice!

I met a man through online dating last spring. We met two or three times and talked on the phone a few times and then both were busy and it fizzled. He is about the same age as I am, is intelligent and articulate, is reasonably fit, has a solid career, is connected with his children, and doesn't seem to be bitter towards his ex-wife even though he readily admitted that it was her choice to separate. There was no great spark which is likely why we didn't make a great effort to continue to see each other.

I noticed he was on msn a week or so ago and sent him an e-mail to see what he'd been up to over the summer and yesterday we met for lunch after talking on the phone for a while. He is a very nice guy and after I left, I was thinking maybe "too nice". I've read quite often that women don't want the nice guys, they want the bad boys and started wondering if I was falling into that trap. I mean, here is a nice, intelligent guy that seems to have his life on track, who isn't searching frantically for someone but would like to be in a relationship and I was thinking about it. Could it be that he seems to be too sensitive which comes across as not masculine enough? He isn't effeminate in any way, in fact he seems to be a natural in sports.

When making friendships with other women, we would never consider a person to be too nice. So what is it that makes women put a man into the "too nice" category? Are we just using this phrase to mean something else?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:06am
I am the "fixer" type as well. I would always try to fix my ex-boyfriends to make them more sensitive and open up to me more. This was because my dad was emotionally unavailable so I wanted to fix these guys so that I could feel like I fixed my Dad in a way. So I would always go for the EU types even if they seemed to be different to begin with because they looked different, had different interests etc etc but they all turned out to be the same way in the end...... I'm done fixing guys too. It's so draining and I would rather worry about myself and my own life than have to worry about fixing others. I want that person to be there for me to begin with not have to "fix" that person to want to put me as a priority and be in a loving/giving relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 7:56am

Thank you all for the responses and discussion. It seems I'm not the only one thinking this way.

The bad boys I've always seemed to end up with aren't all that bad but most of them seem to drink more than the average but not enough to interfere with their jobs/careers. They usually have issues about forming emotional connections or just aren't overly emotionally available or they start out gung ho and then it tapers off because although they really want to feel strong feelings, they don't and can't continue to convince themselves.

The man I was talking about is in no way effeminate. He's actually quite tall and muscular. As I read through the responses, I thought maybe it was that he seems to have stronger feelings for people in his life than I do. He bought country property and plans to build a summer home for himself and his two boys. He talked about how he'd like it to become the family place and eventually the kids and their families would be able to use it. He bought a boat and is fixing it up so they can have toys to make it more fun for the kids to go to the cottage. He has been separated/divorced for about a year and a half or two years and said that he had adjusted to the change with the exception of not being used to only seeing his sons 3 or 4 days per week instead of every day.

He's a really nice guy and the more I think about it, the more I am looking forward to going out for dinner and getting to know him better.

rlch and biochic, I hope it works out well. It sounds like you both have something worthy starting out.

clb

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:15am
Good luck to you too clber on this one. This guy sounds like a winner from what you described. Keep us posted. The men you have dated sound very much like the men I've dated. Not really "bad boys" per say but drink more than the average man, emotionally unavailable, start out gung-ho but then taper off and the real them shines through. They were very fun and funny but immature in the "relationship sense", couldn't communicate well and when they did it always really was my fault and they really couldn't admit that it takes 2 to tango. I think that when some guys say that nice guys always finish last. I think that they finish first. Eventually all of us women get really tired of the "little boys" we date and we want the real nice man with the good heart in the end. I know I'm there at this point in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:36am

It might not be that he's too nice; maybe it's just that he "doesn't do it for you."

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