this is what makes ME mad...
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| Sat, 09-03-2005 - 12:27am |
Okay, I'm 27, a self employed massage therapist and, as the result of taking a year off (quitting my job and going to school full time for my new career), well, it's hard to scrape the money together to pay the rent, so, I'm here at home with my parents. I never went away to "real" college, and don't see the sense in basically throwing money away renting an apartment/house (especially when rent sometimes costs what a mortgage would) and what really burns me up is how guys are so quick to judge me for it, like I'm being viewed as lazy or wanting someone to "take care of me" or I want everything handed to me and I don't want to do anything in return. I am working my butt off (ha, literally) to get my business to a point where I CAN afford to get my own place (I want to live alone, roommates really aren't my thing, plus, I have a dog so I want a yard for him, etc.) but I was e-mailing with a guy recently and he asked about my living situation (in my profile, I don't answer it) so I told him I was at home, and explained why (because I'm focusing on business right now and saving for a house, etc.) and yeah, never heard from him again. This has happened before, and some people have come right out and asked me why I still live at home and I have to launch into my little speech...I mean, I know I wouldn't be crazy about going out with someone who was still living with his parents, but if it was for a good reason (saving for a house, etc.) I would understand.
This is the one thing that turns me off about online dating, how people (me included) can be very quick to judge people based on their profile or a few e-mails. I'm going out with my girlfriend this weekend and we're making it our mission to meet some "real" guys :)
Just had to rant about that for a minute...



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Hmmmm, I'm in the EXACT same situation, except that I'm saving to pay for a return to school myself, rather than take on more college loans. I'm 31, by the way. I've never had anyone judge me yet because of it once I explain it all. Maybe you just are meeting more flakes than usual. In fact, 100% of the guys say they would do the same thing I am if faced with the same circumstances.
Back when I lived with a roommate, I had a guy judge me for that. Yes, he was a loser. When he asked what my living situation was & I said I had a roommate, he said, "Oh, you must be poor. I'm not interested." LOL!
It's true that you are stumbling upon a string of judgmental guys...maybe it's just coincidence that they are flaking, too, & it's not because of your living situation. The right guy won't mind...he may even admire your decision to give up your independence briefly for the sake of your goals. If they can't handle it, then they aren't worth your time anyway.
Annie
Well I guess it depends, are you paying your parents some type of rent??? If not than saving your money strictly for business purposes or a home while your parents are footing all your bills is in my opinion irresponsible. I don't think people would consider this behavior "lazy" but I do think they would consider it taking advantage of a parents good nature. Even if you are working parttime at night as a waitress and giving what you make to your parents (as little as you can) it would be good.
If you are paying YOUR bills (car etc.) and giving them money towards added bills that you help contribute too (food, water, heat, electricity, etc.) than I don't see a problem with living at home.
I've met many men that live at home, make more money than I do, pay their parents no rent at all and are saving all their money towards buying a house. To me that's irresponsible and sponging off the good nature of your parents. I'm 32, I could EASILY move home because I don't make a lot of money and it's tough especially with the cost of living in my state. But even if I did move home, I'd buy my own groceries and I would pay rent until I got on my feet again to be able to afford my own rent. I currently pay 750 a month rent, 200 a month towards oil to heat the house so I would at least pay my parents 500 bucks towards rent without even sneezing, that would leave me an additional 450 dollars every month to pay up on debt and save. But it's a last resort for me as I've lived on my own since I was 20.
When I am dating I always try and look at the circumstances of why someone in their upper 20's or early 30's are living at home. For example a lot of people move home after a divorce A) child support is high and they can't swing that and rent B) debt from divorce can push people home. But if I meet someone that states clearly that they are home because they are saving for a house, I will usually ask other questions such as do you pay them rent? Do you help out? what do you do with your money? If a guy is working full time, is living at home not paying any rent to his family, eating their food and saving all HIS money for a house, and going out every weekend. I wouldn't date him. Plain and simple. I work hard and I pay my bills, I want someone that does the same or at least appreciates the value of a dollar and the responsibilities coming along with renting/owning. If he in no way helps his family, then it's a no go with me.
I think I'd have to know more of your situation or what exactly you tell them to actually determine if I'd date you (hypothetically speaking since I'm a girl).
So no I wouldn't necessarily judge you right off the bat for merely living with your parents, I'd look at all the factors and determine off of that information.
In my case, my parents don't want me to pay them any rent. I offered, but they refused, saying I might as well get my own place if I were to pay them anything. I do pay for my own high-speed internet access, as well as pay my car payment & insurance. I buy most of my own food, & even askthem if they need anything if I know I'm going to the store. I also try to help with cleaning as much as possible & do my own laundry. I think it's judgmental to assume at if we aren't paying any rent to the folks that we're freeloading. My parents know that my future independence depends on me being able to go back to school, so they are offering to do this for me. I didn't ask them. When I lost my job in March, they offered this rather than me moving halfway across the country to continue a career that offered low pay & little stability. I'd MUCH rather live on my own right now, since I'm such an independent person by nature, but I can't afford school without doing this (I'm not eligible for student loans or grants for other reasons, by the way - long story), I have to suck it up & do what I have to do. I agree that if someone is living off their parents, not paying any bills, not trying to help, or even liking the situation, that's a major red flag & wrong. Bad things happen to good people & to assume that anyone living with their parents at our age without knowing the situation is lazy or a freeloader needs to look in the mirror.
It's funny that until today, no one has looked down upon me for my living situation.
Annie
sniffle_sally:
I pay for everything myself, my bills, car payment, insurance, health insurance, office rent, groceries, my parents give me so financial support, nor do I want it. They aren't charging rent (my younger sister lives at home as well, she's 22, works full time and is in school) and I'm greatful they aren't charging us rent, but when I've got some extra cash, I'll give it to them. It's not a lot because my income is so unpredictable right now, but they take it and I'm glad I can contribute, even if it's in a small way.
travkitty:
That's the same way I feel about it, the right guy won't mind and won't have a problem with it. My ex didn't care that I lived at home, he understood my reasons why and respected them. (Haha, too bad he's my ex now :) Thanks for giving me your 2 cents, it's nice to talk to someone else in a similar situation.
I get a lot of crap from some of my friends because I live at home...they say "go get a part time job...do massage after work..." but massage is such a physically demanding job that for me to work somewhere 8 hours all day and then come home, and do 3 or 4 massages after that, no thanks! Besides, I can make anywhere from $60-$100/hour with my business, so why would I want to take a $10/hour job instead? Also, it's tough to get even a part time job because of my office hours. I think I might get a job at a bookstore or something a few hours a week, just to save a little bit of money and get me around people that aren't naked ;) That's the one downside of working for yourself, especially in my field, it's very lonely sometimes, just me and a client.
What are you going to school for?
I hear you! I actually have an okay paying full-time job, but it's nights/weekends which makes it tough to find people who are able to date during the day, during the week. I have a second part-time job when I'm not at the FT one on the weekend. Both are jobs where I'm mainly alone, so it does get lonely at times. But, I do it for the greater goal.
I don't start school until next July. I will hopefully get accepting into a very competitive Radiologic Technology program at a local St. Louis hospital. It's a 2 year program, and more like an apprenticeship than actual school. I'll be training 30-40 hours per week for 2 years straight. So, I am also saving up for my expenses during that 2 year period, in addition to tuition, since I won't be able to work full-time once I start the program.
Then you contribute and it shouldn't be an issue. If a guy still calls you lazy WHY DO YOU WANT THEM???
As long as you are contributing to the household it shouldn't be an issue.
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