this is what makes ME mad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
this is what makes ME mad...
19
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 12:27am

Okay, I'm 27, a self employed massage therapist and, as the result of taking a year off (quitting my job and going to school full time for my new career), well, it's hard to scrape the money together to pay the rent, so, I'm here at home with my parents. I never went away to "real" college, and don't see the sense in basically throwing money away renting an apartment/house (especially when rent sometimes costs what a mortgage would) and what really burns me up is how guys are so quick to judge me for it, like I'm being viewed as lazy or wanting someone to "take care of me" or I want everything handed to me and I don't want to do anything in return. I am working my butt off (ha, literally) to get my business to a point where I CAN afford to get my own place (I want to live alone, roommates really aren't my thing, plus, I have a dog so I want a yard for him, etc.) but I was e-mailing with a guy recently and he asked about my living situation (in my profile, I don't answer it) so I told him I was at home, and explained why (because I'm focusing on business right now and saving for a house, etc.) and yeah, never heard from him again. This has happened before, and some people have come right out and asked me why I still live at home and I have to launch into my little speech...I mean, I know I wouldn't be crazy about going out with someone who was still living with his parents, but if it was for a good reason (saving for a house, etc.) I would understand.

This is the one thing that turns me off about online dating, how people (me included) can be very quick to judge people based on their profile or a few e-mails. I'm going out with my girlfriend this weekend and we're making it our mission to meet some "real" guys :)

Just had to rant about that for a minute...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 1:42pm
I went to college after my divorce myself. Put myself through school. I didn't pay, I took everything out on student loans and I received a couple scholarships as well. It's certainly no cake walk to work fulltime and go to school fulltime either, my hair was falling out towards the end.
Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 1:49pm

>>Well I guess it depends, are you paying your parents some type of rent??? If not than saving your money strictly for business purposes or a home while your parents are footing all your bills is in my opinion irresponsible. I don't think people would consider this behavior "lazy" but I do think they would consider it taking advantage of a parents good nature. Even if you are working parttime at night as a waitress and giving what you make to your parents (as little as you can) it would be good. >>

Sorry, this paragraph just really rubbed me the wrong way off the bat & I responded to your post before reading the last few lines. I think if the parents WANT to foot the bills, then no one has a right to judge. It's between family members then, IMO. Most responsible people would hate having to live off their parents, though, as I do. I can't really get around it right now, though, if I want to reach the goals I have. If they hadn't offered, I would not have asked (and didn't ask, actually...I didn't think of it as an option until they offered, but you understand). I'm sensitive to criticism about my living arrangement because I don't like it. I guess someone who was totally okay with it wouldn't care. Luckily, no one has offered a negative spin on it at all until today, which is why I kind of erupted.

It's kind of like the film guy that another poster likes, but who is in dire straits, & thus feels sheepish about dating while so unstable. I can understand why he doesn't really want to date. If you're not feeling great about your situation, it's hard to have others feel great about it, too. That kind of thing sucks for fiercely independent people like me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 2:49pm

First off I wouldn't even put you in the category as you have already explained that you help around the house, pay your own bills and pay for your own food etc. That in my opinion is contributing which I explained. I have already explained that there are many men out there that live at home, pay no bills, no rent, their mothers do everything and they get a free ride and I absolutely would NOT date a man that lived at home that worked a fulltime job, paid none of the household expenses, paid no bills, paid no rent and just kept all him money for himself, that is freeloading and especially at my age (32). Wouldn't do it. If there is no legitimate reason such as school, debt, child support payments that have forced him home, I would still expect him to contribute SOMETHING even if it meant he cooked meals for those in the house, did laundry for them, or contributed 50 bucks a week towards the bills of the home. I think I've made it clear that there is a big difference between someone that contributes and someone that sits on their butt and expects their parents to pay everything for them. I've yet to see you or the OP state that this is what you do, so therefore you don't even fit into the category I am talking about.

Shoot I'm not happy with my situation either, and as I've said to the OP if a guy doesn't want to date you without first LEARNING about the circumstances as to why you are living at home and what you actually DO contribute around the house (I again ask lots of questions of men I date) then WHO WANTS EM??? Why would you want someone like that. I've dated men that live at home, but only after I've gotten the full story. I had this one guy that made more money than I do I asked him why he lived at home he said, "Why not? Mom cooks all the meals, does my laundry pays all the bills all my money is for me and I'm saving for a house" Yup I said SEE YA!

He's not responsible and he sees nothing wrong with letting his mother continue to do EVERYTHING for him and won't contribute financially or help around the house. Why would I want to date a guy like that? So he can do the same thing to me he's doing to her. No thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 9:48am
I don't want to be with someone who passes judgement for my choice to live at home and thinks that I'm lazy because someone like that obviously doesn't know me. I just feel the need to defend myself to everyone who questions why.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 9:53am
In a case like that, I totally agree with you...for a guy to live at home just for the sake of still living like he's a child, having mom take care of everything, then no, of course I don't want to date him. I know that the right guy won't think less of me for my choice to stay at home and sacrifice a little bit to get to the end result of making my business a success.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 1:22pm
That's good you shouldn't be with someone that questions and I wouldn't feel the need to defend yourself to someone like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 3:43pm

I kind of disagree with the thinking that you're 'taking advantage of your parents good nature' - they are the OP's parents, if they are happy to provide so that she can save and get ahead, what is so wrong with that?

I think that if you have a good relationship with your parents, and are respectful and kind to them and they can afford it, then there is no reason not to take advantage of the free room and board - I know I did. And I also stepped up to the plate and supported them for 3 1/2 years when my father went broke (still continue to do so, to some extent) because that's what you do for your family. See, I think what goes around comes around.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 5:04pm

Wow, this thread is quite interesting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 5:46pm

What an interesting thread!! I don't have a problem with parents who are financially set and allow their children to reside with them without paying rent, etc. but in the big scheme of things, is it really helping or are you enabling them. IMO, it's imperative to teach the importance of being responsible and regardless of attending school, financial issues, etc. I believe you should contribute something to the household. My belief is the world is not that forgiving. Being on your own, you will suffer hardships, etc. and still have to maintain your bills. Going home to the parents should be a LAST option. Trust me I've come close, but besides the financial aspect of it, I've gotten very comfortable living on my own -- ain't trying to live in someone else's house with their rules!!!

To the poster, some men (or women) may get turned off by someone living at home because of your "living" freedom (although they understand your financial reasons). Residing with parents, there may be some restrictions (if any): no telephone calls after a certain time, leaving and returning to the house, meeting the parents before heading on a date, entertaining at your parent's house, etc. Of course, some parents are really open but I would think the majority would rather entertain elsewhere than at your parent's house!!

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