At what point do you stop "shopping?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
At what point do you stop "shopping?"
64
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:48pm

I apologize if this has been brought up in the past -- I did a quick search but wanted more info. Feel free to pass along a link to a different thread if need be.

So the guy I met online (that I like very much) seems to be into me. We've gone out on four dates, and each time the conversation was great. Although there has been barely any kissing, etc (not an issue... yet) we do talk or text every night. I imagine there will be a fifth and possibly sixth date this week/weekend. Now, he hasn't come out and told me directly, but from a few things he says (and from the fact that he is always active within 24 hours on his profile) I strongly suspect that he's still "shopping" and perhaps talking to and even dating other people. Heck... I even had a date Friday night (that didn't go well). But I'm "shopping" half-heartedly because my hopes and interests are really with this guy. At what point should I (and should he) put it all aside and focus on each other? How do I tactfully bring up the fact that I might be a little irritated if he is still "shopping" after several weeks of dating? And do I even have a right to be irritated by that?

And have any of you had a guy with whom you were serious, who lied about the fact that they stopped looking on the dating sites?

Thanks, Tobi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:44pm

Hi, tobi. You will get a lot of great advice on this topic, it's a hot one. What every woman wants to know -- when should he take his darn profile down?!

The only true way you will know is to talk to the dude, find out how he feels about exclusivity. I think you're jumping the gun here, though, as it hasn't been that long since you both started dating. I think it's safe to say that a lot of women will want to discuss that if intimacy enters the picture. It's up to you.

In the meantime, I really advise you to keep dating others until you and Bachelor #1 are on the same page with your relationship. And I also advise you to give the guy a little more time to make up his mind.

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I'm afraid to say that I often see posts from women who are shocked to find out Lover Boy is still surfing. Sorry.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:57am

Hi, I actually posted a similar qn nearly 2 wks ago :)
In my case, my dates with this guy were probably not as great as yours though, and he hardly calls me to chat. We only sms. I was (still am) pretty disturbed by the fact that he was still active online.

Like u, I was less active in 'shopping' as my hopes and interests were in him.

The replies I had were that I can't expect us to be exclusive with just a few dates. I shouldn't put in high hopes in him yet. I was also advised to keep dating other people.

I guess we don't really have the right to be irritated at this point, but hey, as humans, esp women, we can't help it!!

On our last date, I was tempted to ask him how he was doing in the dating site, but somehow held back.

Perhaps u need to wait a little longer to be sure of his feelings towards u. Then, let him know u're less active in 'shopping', and when he asks why, u can tell him your feelings.

Hope this helped a little..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 8:29am
Egads. I'm going into month #4 with my guy and I'm still " giving him time". And, I guess I'm doing this because I value his friendship more than pushing him into a relationship. We are on the same path where we would like to start a relationship as 'friends'. And we are developing a strong friendship.
We both took down our profiles and canceled our subscriptions, He introduced me to his family, when I'm sick he is over in a heartbeat to take care of me, We spend the weekends together building things to make extra money, talk everyday, fixes everything in my house and he still "needs time." It drives me bonkers.
Here I go again about action speaks louder than words. I get the action, but would love to hear the words "I want us to seriously date only each other and see how it goes". I'd love to become intimate and a bit closer when it comes to telling each other how we feel about each other.
I wish there was a magic number on how many dates/weeks/months to let the other person know they are only interested in YOU.
I've been in that situation where after a month of dating becoming serious and it never lasts.
Oh, and there's that double standard thing. It's OK for him to be active online, but if you are still active online it may make him think you're not all into him. So, what is the best way to let him know you're into him?
OK, I'll stop rambling.
Give it time. Develop a friendship. If he's not much of a friend he won't be much of a boyfriend.
I'm starting to think the quicker you jump into something the quicker it will end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:26am
I was wondering what I would do in this situation and I have my answer. If I was “dating” someone that was at the lower end of my criteria I would continue shopping. If I were dating someone at the top end of my criteria I would stop surfing after the first or second date. I think that is a good indication of how much someone is into you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:39am

I like that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:39am

Hi tobi,

I neglected to add that if he looks at your profile he will always see that you have been active in the last 24hrs as well. He has no way of knowing that you are only "shopping half-heartedly".

>How do I tactfully bring up the fact that I might
>be a little irritated if he is still "shopping"
>after several weeks of dating?

You will appear like a hypocrite if you do. If you are into him then you should STOP shopping completely. This way, when you do bring it up he will see that you haven't been active since you started dating him. But I don't think you are willing to put that much faith in what you have because you don't trust him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:07pm
I hid my profile on the yahoo site by the third date..mainly because this guy seemed to be so into me, and I certainly liked him a lot. I had no interest in meeting or dating anyone else. I'm very much a one-man type of woman and told him this in our very first conversation. I think it was a mistake to tell him that I had hidden my profile by the third date because he got cold feet about the whole thing afterwards. However, I felt it was important for him to know I wasn't talking to other men online while I was seeing him and talking to him daily on the phone. I'm not into games, and my heart/mind can't focus even if I had more than one suiter at a time. Maybe some people can play the field, but I have found that I cannot do that. Sometimes the pitfalls outweigh the advantages in the online dating game. By the time you're in your 40's, you should be able to date someone and have a general idea of whether you think you want to see them regularly (and I think most people know by the third date). Those that don't are either confused or simply don't want to give up the many "options of the candy" in the candy store. I will always believe that men have the upper hand in the dating field, whether it's online or not.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:14pm

My policy is to continue shopping (whether half-heartedly or not, LOL) for about two months, the amount of time I prefer to date someone before committing to dating them exclusively.

In situations where I've committed to exclusivity earlier, I have of course taken down my profile at that time.

I would not bring it up at this point...you are both free to date other people until you specifically discuss it and commit to dating exclusively. I don't think foreclosing your options before you've gotten to know him pretty well (over the course of a couple months) is wise, but of course you need to do what you feel comfortable with.

And yes, I have dated men who had committed to exclusivity but lied about taking their profiles down (or mislead me, as in taking their profile down on one site but leaving it up on other sites).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:19pm

And yes, I have dated men who had committed to exclusivity but lied about taking their profiles down (or mislead me, as in taking their profile down on one site but leaving it up on other sites).


Sheri, what do you say when this happens?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:36pm

Something along the lines of, "Hey, I was checking to be sure that my profile isn't showing up on Match and I noticed that your profile is still up. I thought we discussed it and agreed to take them down, did I misunderstand?"

How long ago did you discuss it? If it was just a day or two ago, I'd give it a few more days. It could be a legitimate case of he's trying to but there's a glitch...or he could be dishonest. Only time will tell.

Oh, and on Yahoo, you can only make your profile "unsearchable", you can't hide it (the only other option is to delete it completely. So you might see him because you have him saved in your mailbox or whatever, but he doesn't come up in searches (so you should run a search to see if he comes up). I think making your profile unsearchable (as opposed to deleting it completely) is acceptable until you get super serious since it would be a huge pain to recreate the ad if you break up.

Sheri

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