At what point do you stop "shopping?"
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| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:48pm |
I apologize if this has been brought up in the past -- I did a quick search but wanted more info. Feel free to pass along a link to a different thread if need be.
So the guy I met online (that I like very much) seems to be into me. We've gone out on four dates, and each time the conversation was great. Although there has been barely any kissing, etc (not an issue... yet) we do talk or text every night. I imagine there will be a fifth and possibly sixth date this week/weekend. Now, he hasn't come out and told me directly, but from a few things he says (and from the fact that he is always active within 24 hours on his profile) I strongly suspect that he's still "shopping" and perhaps talking to and even dating other people. Heck... I even had a date Friday night (that didn't go well). But I'm "shopping" half-heartedly because my hopes and interests are really with this guy. At what point should I (and should he) put it all aside and focus on each other? How do I tactfully bring up the fact that I might be a little irritated if he is still "shopping" after several weeks of dating? And do I even have a right to be irritated by that?
And have any of you had a guy with whom you were serious, who lied about the fact that they stopped looking on the dating sites?
Thanks, Tobi

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hmm this is a hard one as I am kind of debating it myself
i have had those times where I had to bring it up about taking the profiles down but only when i came this board and read that is what should be done.. prior to that the guy i met last year it never crossed my mind and i knew we were a couple.. however we ended up breaking up after several mths .. the last guy i met on match i brought it up by month 2. and we agreed to take it down.. but i noticed anytime there was an issue of "us" he jumped right on and it use to make me sick
the guy i am dating now working on over 2 mths we havenot discussed it at all. we are both on.. I was frequenting occasionally because i was still getting al ot of hits and purely out of curiousity and entertainment.. in the past few weeks was when my uncertainty flew out the window and i decided I don't want /or need to date any one else. I agree w/ NW sometimes you don't know right away it takes time to get to know someone. I gave this guy a chance there were some things i questioned and wasn't sure about but the more time i got to know him the more it unfolded and realized I was wrong about my assumptions and it cleared up any uncertainty i had toward my feelings for him and have helped them grow because now i know because i gave it time
the hard thing is we haven't had the discussion he is on several sites and so am i.. funny thing is one night 2 weeks ago he walked in my house and first thing he said is i got an email and you were in it. it was the yahooo emails , and he didn't know i was a member of yahoo because we met on match.. i laughed it off but felt awkard then we discussed the different sites we were on.. probably would have been a good time to say hey lets take themdown. but i wasn't ready yet.. i am now but the thing is i do know most if it is pure entertainment and i do know he is dating me and only me and vice versa. we spend most of our free time together and he calls me every night when we are not together.. it is a goose/gander thing and sometimes i think out of respect for eachother we shouldnt be there but again they/we will look no matter where we are as long as you don't touch.
so i don't really know. right now i like being casual about it and going w/ the flow .. i woudl prefer him to bring it up and know that he wants me as his GF..
>1. I'm repeating myself here, but knowing whether
>you want to SEE someone again and get to know them
>better is a completely different animal from knowing
>whether they are a good match. The latter takes time.
Knowing that you want to see someone again after the first date means you think they are a good match. I think you can tell within 20 minutes of meeting them, but if not, at least by the end of the first date. You think it takes at least two months.
>2. Very easily and effectively. Do you have trouble
>keeping people straight in your head or something?
No, to the contrary. I have met and dated enough women in my life to know within 20 minutes if I want to see them again. You need two months. Which one of us is having trouble?
I need a hypothetical example. This is my version of what you are saying:
Let’s imagine you are not dating anyone. You join an Online Dating site and within you are writing to 4 men who you think are date worthy. We’ll call them Man 1, 2, 3, 4.
Week 1: Date 1 with Man 1,2,3,4 (separate days of course)
All 4 are turn out to be exactly what you expected and what they described in their profile. Do you date all 4 of them again? If the answer is ‘no’, then what I said about knowing whether you want to see someone again after the first date holds true.
Week 2: Date 2 with Man 1,2,3,4 (separate days again) – But you are also keeping your options open and you meet another man online who meets your criteria. Do you add him to the list and start dating 5 men?
After Date 2 all 4 men pass again. If this is impossible then what I said about knowing within 3 dates is true. If you drop one from the list would you add Number 5?
Week 3: Date 3 with Man 1,2,3,4 & Date 1 with Man 5 (I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt). Would you still keep your options open and try for 6?
Basically, you can see my problem. Your dating pool would grow with time rather than diminish but you insist that dating a few people *at the same time* & keeping your options open is the best way to do things. With this method, I can't see how you will end up dating anyone exclusively within 2 months(ANY timeframe).
But hal, were you ALWAYS sure right away? There have been a couple of guys in my life who I grew to love over time. It hasn't always been a virtually instant attraction.
Early attraction, IMHO, is physical reaction to someone. It takes time to get to know a person's worth. This is why I take my time before committing to someone.
Maybe we are talking about the differences in the sexes?
I agree with NWW.
Amjay and firstamendment,
I think We are agree.
1) I don’t believe that after a first date anyone would think “We have absolutely nothing in common, I didn’t enjoy myself, s/he is nothing like his or her online profile. But I will continue dating them”
2) By the 3rd date (at most) you will know if you want to continue seeing them. It does NOT mean you have committed to a relationship just because you are dating *ONE* person. You are still getting to know them.
I think NWW's approach is tantamount to the "Holy Grail" syndrome. If you get to the 3rd date with someone and everything is going well, why would you need to keep your options open? Just in case someone "better" comes along at the last minute?
Let's say this does happen. You have been dating someone for 1 month and everything is fantastic. You still keep your options open and meet another person online and spend 1 week getting to know them. Person B asks you out on a date which happens to fall on the same evening that person A has organised a date. What do you do?
Assuming this doesn't happen, let's say Person B organises a date on a different day. You go, have a great time and think this person has potential. Will you keep dating Person A? If so, what happens when you get to the 2 month mark with them? Will you also continue dating Person B until you have reached the 2 month mark with them as well? This means you have been dating Person A for 3 months and Person B for 2 months. What happens when person C comes along? And person D, E...etc...etc
People can SEEM (repeat, SEEM) like they are a good match and have the qualities you want after a couple of dates, but you can't really KNOW whether that's the case until you've been dating for a while, and get to know them over time.
I don't know how to explain that more clearly. I may want to see someone again because I *think* that they have the qualities I want, but as I get to know them more, it becomes obvious that they don't really have those qualities, or that they have negative qualities that were not immediately apparent. Or they may really be what and who they seem.
The same is true in reverse. As each person gets to know me better, they may decide I'm not a good fit for them after all.
You can't be sure about people's character right away. All you see at the beginning is what they WANT you to see. Discerning their true character takes time. Most likely, in the scenario you describe, at least 2 of the guys would turn out to have a dealbreaker quality that wasn't immediately apparent (like dishonesty or the inability to keep his word), 2 of them would lose interest in me for some reason, and 1 of them would continue to be someone I wanted to get to know.
Sheri
Perhaps I am too fastidious about the women I date because I have never been in a multiple dating situation. Maybe I just not that good ;-) Besides, I wouldn't have the time to do it properly. In my experience, after the third date we are spending entire weekends together and time together after work. I can't imagine doing this with more than one woman and expecting them all to be happy about it. I could lie but then I would be labelled a cheater or player if they ever found out.
>Most likely, in the scenario you describe, at least 2
>of the guys would turn out to have a dealbreaker
>quality that wasn't immediately apparent (like dishonesty
>or the inability to keep his word), 2 of them would lose
>interest in me for some reason, and 1 of them would continue
>to be someone I wanted to get to know.
If this happened in less than 2 months would you still be accepting new dates?
Ah, see, I wouldn't be spending weekends with someone after only 3 dates. We'd be going out 1-2 times a week, and we would not yet be physically intimate (not until we agreed to be exclusive at about the 2 month point).
Dating, to me, is a "getting to know you" process. In your scenario, it sounds like there's no need to "date"...I'm getting the impression you seem to think you know all there is to know about a woman by the 3rd date. Why not just get married at that point, if that's the case?
Re your last question, do you mean would I still be accepting new dates with the same guys who had revealed their true character during the dating process? If so, the answer is no.
Sheri
I'm really enjoying this debate!
My experience has been that enough flaws or incompatibilities or whatever you want to call them show up in the first couple of months to make it worth not getting intimately involved with someone in that time period. There have been a LOT of men I've dated for a few weeks that I was VERY glad I didn't decide to date exclusively and sleep with because I found something out about them around that time period that made me not want to continue to date them.
Of course you're not going to know everything at that point, but I've determined that usually, you know *enough* by then to make a decision to take it exclusive. Sure, you can still find out you're incompatible further down the road, but you've reduced the risk significantly by not committing to exclusivity until you've dated for a couple months. I don't think you *can* find those things out sooner rather than later merely by becoming exclusive...you still have to allow the time to pass.
Why continue to date other people while you're evaluating someone's potential? Because time isn't infinite. I'm not going to foreclose all other options for those two months because I'm never going to get those 2 months (or 3 weeks or 6 weeks or however long it is) back again.
And if I wasn't thinking that there was great potential, I wouldn't be continuing to date the guy at all.
The other part of this is that I personally stop being objective about someone once I start sleeping with him. I need a couple months of clear (or at least *clearER* ;-)) thinking to evaluate a new guy as objectively as possible.
Sheri
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