At what point do you stop "shopping?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
At what point do you stop "shopping?"
64
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:48pm

I apologize if this has been brought up in the past -- I did a quick search but wanted more info. Feel free to pass along a link to a different thread if need be.

So the guy I met online (that I like very much) seems to be into me. We've gone out on four dates, and each time the conversation was great. Although there has been barely any kissing, etc (not an issue... yet) we do talk or text every night. I imagine there will be a fifth and possibly sixth date this week/weekend. Now, he hasn't come out and told me directly, but from a few things he says (and from the fact that he is always active within 24 hours on his profile) I strongly suspect that he's still "shopping" and perhaps talking to and even dating other people. Heck... I even had a date Friday night (that didn't go well). But I'm "shopping" half-heartedly because my hopes and interests are really with this guy. At what point should I (and should he) put it all aside and focus on each other? How do I tactfully bring up the fact that I might be a little irritated if he is still "shopping" after several weeks of dating? And do I even have a right to be irritated by that?

And have any of you had a guy with whom you were serious, who lied about the fact that they stopped looking on the dating sites?

Thanks, Tobi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 7:34pm

You guys are all the best!! I'm the one that originally posted this question. I agree that it takes time to really decipher someone's personality and how it would mesh with my own. I'm really attracted to this guy that I've dated (four times... the 5th date is this weekend) and it's hard to keep myself in check because I'm excited. But a friend asked me today, "So what DON'T you like about him?" And I shrugged and said, "Nothing yet. So far, there isn't anything. But you don't really start to get to know someone until you've spent some significant time with them." And then I thought of this conversation. Because I've not yet argued with him, so I don't know how he fights. I've not been around him on a day when everything has gone wrong. I've not had to lean on him for support, nor have I had to ask him to do me a favor. I have not slept with this man, nor have I even seen the inside of his home. I made a new acquaintance, who will hopefully become a good friend, who may even yet turn out to be the love of my life. But at this point in time, what I decided, was that I want to give this the best shot that I can because my instincts tell me that if this turns out right, it could be amazing. Therefore I decided to "hide" my profile and to take a break from shopping. I don't need the perfect man -- I just need the perfect man for ME. And I won't be able to figure out if he's that person if I'm still looking at other possibilities. I'm not expecting him to hide his profile, because that is totally his decision. But I've made mine, and I feel good about it.

Comments, anyone?

Tobi

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 7:55pm

Sounds good! I personally *would* be able to evaluate one person while continuing to date other men (at least for first couple months) but if you don't feel you can do so, then you need to go with that feeling.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:34am

>Therefore I decided to "hide" my profile
>and to take a break from shopping.
>I'm not expecting him to hide his profile
>because that is totally his decision. But
>I've made mine, and I feel good about it.

I think you did the right thing. If he feels the same way about you and is genuinely decent he will do the same thing without you having to ask. Actions speak louder than words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:46am

Sheri,

>I personally *would* be able to evaluate one
>person while continuing to date other men

1) Do you date men who have the same philosophy?

2) Do you apply any restrictions?

3) Is it possible that the man you are ready to be exclusive with is not? If so, would you keep dating him until he is ready?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 4:39am

>Why continue to date other people while
>you're evaluating someone's potential?

I agree. You don't know someone well until you have dated for at least 2 months. I also agree that you don't know someone *really well* until you've had sex, argued and travelled together. But I still can’t see the advantage of dating many people at the same time, apart from efficient usage of your time. I can tell whether I want to continue seeing someone by the 3rd date (Usually well before that). If things were not going well and I met another woman in that time I would stop dating the first woman and start dating the new one. I don’t see the point of continuing to date someone when it doesn’t feel right.

I think movies serve as a good analogy. Let’s say the average movie is 120 minutes long and 30 minutes is equivalent to a date. The posters, billboards and reviews are the person’s online profile. You decide on one that is worth seeing. The first 30 minutes is exactly what you read in the review so you think it is going to be a good movie. The next 30 minutes is dull but you think it will improve. The following 30 minutes is worse and the only thing you are looking forward to is the end. At this point the usher allows you to leave and gives you a free ticket to see another movie that you thought looked good. Would you sit through the last 30 minutes or would you leave?

Conversely, if the first 30 minutes is good, the next 30 minutes better, and the following 30 minutes has you so mesmerised that you don't notice the usher tapping you on the shoulder offering you a free ticket to another movie. Perhaps you might, but you will probably tell him to leave you alone because you aren’t interested.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 10:54am

1. I explain my philosophy if and when he asks if I'm dating other people. So far it hasn't been a problem for anyone.

2. What do you mean "restrictions"?

3. It would depend on how much longer he wanted to date before making his decision. But most of the guys I've dated for any length of time have been ready to be exclusive before I was.

I don't see the movie analogy from your other post as applicable. A more apt analogy would be to focus your attention completely on one movie the night you're at that movie, and focus it completely on *another* movie on another night.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:38am

Sheri,

I have never been in the situation that you accept as normal. I simply don't waste my time on women that don't make me feel "crazy" after (before!) the first date so I can't ever see myself in your position. I have gone from being completely single to meeting and dating only one woman. I have had a few first dates that have gone no further and all but one was because I wasn't interested. All other dates have progressed to a relationship that has lasted between 6 months and 2 years. I have ended them all and apart from psycho woman, I have enjoyed them all. Unfortunately the love I've been looking for has never flourished.

IMO: Making a "decision" to date exclusively seems unnatural and formal. It doesn't give me the impression the relationship is riddled with passion. When you are dating someone you like the exclusivity becomes a tacit “agreement”. You usually end up spending more and more time together so it becomes obvious that things are going well and nobody else is in the picture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:55am

Wow, great debate......

Hal, you said it all in a nutshell. Although the census of this board is to "stack em high" for most once we meet one who gives us butterflies or there truly is an initial spark, we may go out with someone else, but we are not really there or really feeling the connection. I don't believe I have ever read a post where someone on this board has met say 3 guys who connected with them ALL -- basically had a spark with all of them!

I think we all may chat via email with about 3-4 people, but if I go out with someone for a date (and there is no spark) usually there is no desire to see them again. I may for the benefit of the doubt go out again to see if there is a chance, but usually after the 2nd date, if no spark, then I'm not interested in wasting my time seeing them again!

Maybe that's the clarification......people are not actually "dating" 3-4 people, just chatting with them online until ONE of them sparks our interest for continuous dating...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:59pm

I do it this way because past decisions made based solely on passion and feelings have turned out to be bad decisions. Now I work to balance that with taking things slowly and evaluating the person as objectively as possible. It doesn't mean I don't feel passionately about someone, just that I've learned, through painful experience, not to make decisions based on that.

In practice, it does end up evolving fairly naturally into exclusivity but I'm not going to foreclose my options too early before I've had plenty of time to observe and evaluate the guy over a period of time.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 2:12am
I agree with Hal on this one. If you tend to keep things casual by always dating multiple partners, I think you can rob yourself of deeper connections with a single person. Yes, you can find out all of those things on your "list" if you date multiple people for months on end and hopefully make safer choices, but love isn't always about being safe. Intimacy develops when you "focus" on one person and when you let someone in like that, you might find that some of those things on your "list" become unimportant and the person's true character comes through. Yes, I've been wrong about some men that I've developed exclusivity early on, but I was glad I had the connection because intimacy expands you. Being smart about who you choose to spend your time with is wise and self-nurturing, but I worry that people can take it too far and miss out on deeper connections.

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