What questions should be asked?

Avatar for born2luv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
What questions should be asked?
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Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:03am
I guess I thought that I could take this online dating thing more leisurely, talking through emails for a while till I got to know someone, before I got down to the nitty-gritty. We've exchanged 3-4 emails so far. How am I supposed to know whether I am even attracted to these men yet?

OK, so I was wrong, and these guys want to call me, date me after just a couple of emails. I'm not comfortable asking questions - but I guess I need a new "game plan". I've asked about kids and marital status. What's next???

(I just don't understand - another poster complained about her SO falling for another person online in 2-3 emails? Am I missing something!?)

~*~ Catherine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:20am
Catherine, I would not base anything you are doing on line with any other situation. I think she said they has been seeing one another for 3 years. So, that is a very long time and things can change drastically in that time period. Nothing is a sure thing, we just have to keep trying until we see progress or find the person we click with. Who knows what can happen, but you cant give up just over a few bad endings in any relationship, on line or not. Anywho. My point was to tell you what I did when I met guys on line and maybe Deena, another poster here can tell you what she does. She has this on line stuff down to a science. Truly. SO, here is what I did. (Now, I say "did", past tense, since I have Mark now and I do not surf the web or match.coms for men anymore.)

I would talk on line with them through messenger for a few days or so, then exchange the emails like you did. Then, a phone call would take place with the intentions of a meeting. In a public place as you know, but I slacked on this rule more than I should have. Anywho. So, the types of questions I would ask would be like you, marriage, kids, etc. I would also ask about their occupation, and how long they had been there. Tells alot about someone if they skip around in jobs, and of course depending on their age. I am talking if he is like 40 and he changes jobs every 6 months, there could be a pattern there. Not only professionally, but personally as well. Now, after you know about marriage, kids, job, then you move on to family. How many siblings? Are your parents still married? IF they are passed on, ask how long ago and talk about how that affected him. Get these men to open up if you can and get to know them. If you like them, you will know after you get some key facts from them. Share some philosphy with them on religion, politics, or anything latest news headline. Right now, you coulc ask how they might feel about the war and if they know anyone in the military? Or even if they have ever been in the military themselves. I mean, these questions have hidden discussion in them that will blossom as soon as you ask. Now, if you get with the right person that is. Sometimes you can talk to a guy that has no conversation skills, and if so...that would not be a good choice to consider. If you get to the phone, you will see, the right guys will ask you questions as well and it wont be so hard for you to come up with things to ask. Just get their number, and call them to talk for 30 minutes or so, if you think you want to talk more, meet. IF the conversation is dry, dont meet. You will know as soon as you get the conversation going. Anywho, that is just my opinion and what I did. So, goodluck and check out some of the other posts to see more ideas.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:25am
Hey Catherine,

YEs,take your time.First of all tell youself you have all the time in the world(as we screw up or attract ppl for wrong reasons if we are in a hurry)....then let things take its course.Not everyone fall for in same amount of time frame ..its each complex indivisual.

Get to know the person's way of writing mails,does he use sweetheart and love ya as soon as 5th mail(not my type)....See whether you are attracted to his picture first..physical attraction is imp for a start.

Yeah kids,marital status dealt with....ask about interests ,hobbies ,types of books he reads...all conversations where you can assess a guy.Tel him about your beliefs ,ask his opinion,which countries or states he's been to?languages he knows...all tell whetehr he is a traveller,reader,homebody..etc..there is no judgement,just curiosity.

2 to 3 mails is possible to fall for if he is so charming,but do not be swept away with that or even admit to it.It just means you like this fellow morre than the others....so give it more importance...ask ques,ph call,try to meet....etc etc.

It always takes a stroke of luck to find the perffect guy,but this internet just increases the chance to get lucky......So goodluck and keep posting all the anectodes:))

Anya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:52am
I rarely exchange more than 2 emails before chatting and talk one or tops two times on the phone prior to meeting. I ask very innocent questions - I do not want to clue them in to what I am trying to find out (if they have solid values, are emotionally healthy, etc) so I ask innocent questions and then listen REALLY CAREFULLY to things like tone, word choice, positive or negative attitude, whether he tries to learn about me, etc. As I've posted before, men tell me so much in the first five minutes without realizing it (on the phone, not email) some curse, some sound depressed, some bring up an explicitly sexual topic, some insult their mothers, sister in law, siblings, friends, some sound angry, suspicious, whiny, some have told me about illegal or unethical business behavior, about other women in their lives - all in the first five minutes and none of this is in response to direct questions. I talk about things like travel, books, movies, my nieces and nephews, my volunteer work with children - I had one guy question every single thing I said as if it were unbelievable - things like the fact that i don't have a drivers' license, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:23pm
I was wondering a few ques.....

1)If the person you are interested in is in diff state or country..how would you meet so soon...and how would you make descicions..or you wouldn't even for that guy?

2)If you talk and he is the strong silent type,no nonsense,answering question to the point without chattering about himself in a short conversation...what do you make of that?

3)About the dr.liscence thing,I'd ask too out of curiosity but when is it crossing the line..I mean what ques are crossing the line beyond curiosity?

4)Is a sensible,stable and logical but non romantic guy a deal breaker..anoher eg:I like Ray in everybody loves raymond...but cannot see myself married to him...I also do not like debra's attitude to him...Is that ok?

5)Lastly,if he is a great guy,intellegent,stable but has hobbies diff from you..like he is homebird raised and lived in same place all his life,while you travelled the world and learnt so much about cultures....not that he is narrowmind...is that a miss match?

Just wondering...

Anya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 1:51pm
If the person you are interested in is in diff state or country..how would you meet so soon...and how would you make descicions..or you wouldn't even for that guy?

I would not email with someone who lived more than about an hour's drive away. I live in Manhattan and there are plenty of men right in my own backyard.

2)If you talk and h1e is the strong silent type,no nonsense,answering question to the point without chattering about himself in a short conversation...what do you make of that? I only meet someone where the phone conversation is comfortable for me. I have met 40 men in person in the last 2 years, emailed and spoken to hundreds, so I have high standards.

3)About the dr.liscence thing,I'd ask too out of curiosity but when is it crossing the line..I mean what ques are crossing the line beyond curiosity? It wasn't the curiosity, it was the tone - a very negative, hostile, suspicious tone - not friendly curiosity. Crossing the line are questions about my salary, my sex life, how much $$ my family has, etc.

4)Is a sensible,stable and logical but non romantic guy a deal breaker. For me, yes, I need the whole package for a romantic relationship - there has to be a spark and for me there can be no spark without some kind of romantic attitude - doesn't have to be a lot but yes some. It's an individual thing.

5)Lastly,if he is a great guy,intellegent,stable but has hobbies diff from you..like he is homebird raised and lived in same place all his life,while you travelled the world and learnt so much about cultures....not that he is narrowmind...is that a miss match? Hobbies to me are irrelevant - what is relevant is that I find him as or more intelligent than me, that he sparkles - with energy, enthusiasm - for whatever it is - I don't care if he is more or less well travelled than me but he must have at minimum a college education he must be Jewish and he must be at least somewhat openminded about other cultures and appreciate all NYC has to offer even if he doesn't live right in town. Eg I could not date someone like Amber on the Bachelor who thinks that the Olive Garden is a great example of fine Italian food. LOL. It comes down to similar values and some of my values include religion, education, family, work ethic, etc. Similar sense of humor is also important to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 2:09pm
Hey thanks for answering.I esp needed to hear the last 3 answers.I have strong ideas about religion and my background and the intellegence factor...and find asking about income quite crass....But with those requirements,there are not many in my backyard:)..so yes,I need to look across seas and shores.

But that guy Trista chose in bachelorette is sweet and romantic and all but not my kind of guy...don't even remember his name.

thanx for replying deena

anya
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 3:04pm
You cannot "get to know someone" over emails. You need to meet and spend time together in person in order to truly get to know someone. You might *think* you know the person, but it's only their online persona you know. I can't tell you how many times I thought I had a good connection with someone via email, only to have it fizzle completely in person.

So, now I only exchange a handful of emails with someone to screen them, and if they sound interesting, then I meet them for coffee. It's best to just use the internet as a way to make the connection, not conduct your whole relationshp online.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 3:51pm
Just my two cents - if you honestly think you know Ryan's personality and character by what you saw on a TV show I think you need to think long and hard about whether you are ready to evaluate a man through what he types to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 6:37pm
no not character,little of personality came across...and no, its about attraction .....the first eliminator,not my type..just my opinion...i guess everyone liked him...but i said for starters he is not my type.charlie was more....just my likes and dislikes...i'm talking visual attraction not knowing them so completely....that will take a lot of time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 10:33pm
If that type of instant attraction is that important to you on line is probably not for you, IMHO.

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