What should I do? (long)
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 09-07-2006 - 11:19pm |
I am on an online dating site. This guy requested a chat session with me to which I accepted. We chatted for a couple of minutes and he gave me his cell number. I called him in a day or two and the conversation lasted for 10-15 minutes. He now had my cell phone number.
He called me the next day and we talked for another 10-15 minutes since I was at work. Since then he started calling me atleast 3-4 times a day and at times we talked for 4-5 hours at a stretch, cracking jokes and getting to know each other better.
In a very short time, I knew most about him and upon his asking me, I told all that I had read about him. My reading was actually 97% correct as he put it.
Sometimes I enjoyed the attention and at other times, I saw that long conversations started to affect my life outside of him and I pointed this to him. But he wanted to have long talks and seemed to miss me when we didn't talk. Actually, he couldn't live without talking to me and was always saying I miss you - "I miss you when I don't talk to you."
Talking to him I realized that he was immature and considering that he is 34 yrs old, he did some things that irritated me. So, we had arguments and fights almost everytime we talked. In a couple of occassions, we both thought of putting a stop to our phone conversations. But were again on phone. I guess both of us couldn't do without talking. We talked everyday, atleast 3-4 times a day.
Anyways, after a week of talking, we decided to meet. The meeting lasted for 3-3.5 hours. He found me attractive and wanted to know more about me. At many occassions before and after the meeting, he told me that he wants me in his life and asked me to promise him never to stop talking to him.
When we met, he told me that he had been a man-whore but was not anymore. After the meeting, he wanted to know my opinion - as to what I thought about him. After a day, I told him that I would like to keep it at the friendship level.
We decided to meet again but he cancelled the meeting as he was busy at work. He again made plans of meeting but again cancelled it because his grandmother expired. We kept talking and soon we found that we both liked each other, we both missed not talking to each other if a day passed by without talking and that we were coming close.
He again asked me and I was very open and honest about my feelings about him - that I couldn't see marriage in the making (I don't want to marry him since he's been sleeping around so much), there is no point in dating as I would still be looking and it would be a waste of time for him BUT I was open to being a close/loving/caring friend.
He wanted to get married to me and wanted to date me on the condition that he would still continue to talk to his ex-girlfriends and ex-wife (he does not have kids from his previous marriage) and I should be ok with it. If I couldn't deal with it, he would have to let me go.
He called me a couple of times, sometimes wanting to see me more and dating me, sometimes to tell me that he will work on his problems/issues but he wants me in his life and sometimes to let me know that he cannot give up on his ex-girfriends and ex-wife.
This disturbed me and his calling me so many times to just tell me that he wants me in his life and at the same time not wanting me in his life because of his ex'es made me feel like I was sitting in a roller-coaster and that it would not lead to anything. He would make plans to meet and then cancel them.
When I couldn't bear this mental agony, I called him and left a voice mail for him to not call me anymore. When he got the voice mail, he did not call and instead sent me an e-card with the following message -
========================================================================================
"Hi my Sweetypie,
I heard your message just now. My phone was in my bedroom charging and I was in livingroom. I just want to write here since I am not allowed to call you anymore that I started to miss you already. I was so short to tell u that I have a feeling that I love you. But. You will be missed in my life. You are one such wonderful person who I have utmost respect for. You didn't get to know me well. But. I will be crying and missing you at the same time, I try not to cry for anybody. But. I can live without you physically, but can't mentaly, in heart, feeling presence of you. You are very lucky to know me and I am unlucky to loose you. But. Please don't turn your face from me if we ever meet on the road. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you,I miss you, Wish there was a way to erase things, or if I can make it any better. But. I was very fortunate to see you, know you, but very unfortunate and unlucky to loose you. If you can ever forgive me for insulting, hurting, disturbing,harrasing, bothering or any bad thing I have done or said to you intentionally or un, I will be greatfull. I didn't say that before on the phone but I want to tell you I think I love you, and miss you so very much thats why these things are happening to me. love and care always for you. Your loving and caring friend. Have a good one always. You are the best EAST or the WEST. You have said GOODBYE. I am just complying with it. muah. perfect kiss for one perfect person. Bye for now. You always going be live in my heart no matter what. But. ....chiao
love always...................................me"
=======================================================================================
I replied to his message with the following email -
=======================================================================================
"We come to love, not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly
You are a nice person and you deserve someone who can take you with your relationships and deal with them. There have been ups and downs in our communication, our voices were raised for each other but we still continued to talk.
While I talked to you as a friend, I can/could feel and see/saw that a plain friendship will not be possible for you as a friendship between a man and a woman gets easily complicated. We love others and others love us for who they/we are and how they/we treat us/them.
While you made efforts in the friendship and it was clear to me that you are interested, your intentions were never clear to me. There was always a hitch. Sometimes it seemed you wanted just friendship while at other times it seemed you were looking for more either romantically or sexually.
I hoped to keep you in my life as promised but the pain, hurt and mental agony stops me from continuing. I think it's best for both of us. See it as a help to your statement of letting me go.
My heart is divided into so many pieces, each person in my life has a piece of it .. so do you. You will always be remembered. And remember that it takes time and patience to develop something between 2 people. Meeting once does not result in anything .. you have to spend time with the other person and give them a chance to know you (by themselves) so well that there is no doubt in the mind.
People come into the other person's life for a reason and I learned something from you as well ... I can probably now open up my heart to men while I look for the right one, regardless whether I'm going to get hurt or not. Life goes on ...
The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world Is a woman's heart - and I sincerely hope you get it. True love is rare and so don't loose it when you have it."
======================================================================================
It's been 3 days and even though I told him not to call me, I want him to call me and I am missing him so much. I want him to be in my life, as a friend.
Do you think this can work out? Do you think he is going to call? Do you think I should call him? Did he also want to leave and made me leave than to leave himself?
Please help me on what I should be doing as I am going crazy and want to talk to him.

First, I want you to know that I hope your pain subsides soon, and you feel better about things. At 34 years old, this man must have tons of issues to have so many ex's that he can't let go of. You seem not to realize that YOU DESERVE better than this. You can't fall in love with one meeting and a few phone calls. His issues and ex's are about HIM. Let him go. Keep moving and don't look back. He will ALWAYS have issues and drama will follow him everywhere he goes, because he causes it by not leaving it behind.While children (obviously) should never be left behind, EVERYTHING else should be, especially ex's.
Regarding missing the phone calls and conversations.....talk to someone else..anyone else, but please...don't call him back. He'll never give you anything but pain.
E
Ok, I'm sorry, but that all creeps me out.
I think you didn't read the whole post carefully. I didn't lay down the condition, I was not even ready to date him. HE wanted to date me and wanted to settle this down BEFORE we started to date. He did not give me a chance to get to know him on a day-to-day basis.
If I were to date this guy and see with my own eyes that he is infact just friends with his exes, I wouldn't mind. BUT if the guy tells you that he is going to be as caring and loving with his exes than he is towards his girlfriend/wife and laying down a condition and basically telling you to get out if it's not acceptable, THAT is a problem and it just shows how much respect there is in there (probably leading to an abusive relationship). What is the difference then? Does this guy need a girlfriend or a wife? He should be fine in his world with his exes.
I wouldn't leave my friends either but I would certainly see to it that I treat them as friends only and that there is a huge difference in my behavior between my exes and my current boyfriend/husband.
"on the condition that he would still continue to talk to his ex-girlfriends and ex-wife (he does not have kids from his previous marriage) and I should be ok with it. If I couldn't deal with it, he would have to let me go."
"he wants me in his life and sometimes to let me know that he cannot give up on his ex-girfriends and ex-wife."
Nowhere does that specify to me that he treats his ex-wife and ex-girlfreinds the same as the current one. The term 'give up' is a vauge one, give up what, trying to win them back or give up their friendship? Like I said the whole thing seemed to move way way to fast. All I was saying that it does seem reasonable to say I either continue my friendships or walk away from this relationship if you can't deal. There are certain things that are important to any person, whether it be friendships, family, work, values, morals, and if their significant other cannot accept those things they should not be dating. This isn't a control issue, its a compatiblity issue. It doesn't make the person a bad person to have uncomprimising values. If a guy couldn't accept the fact that I am friends with my exes, I would leave him, especially if we hadn't been dating for very long. To me stating flat out in the begining this is the way I am and no this is not something I am willing to change or comprimise on is fine, its not controlling, its not about respect for the other person. Most people have uncomprimisable values, I don't see how him stating them shows a lack of respect or is controlling. If a guys wife died and he says "I will always love my first wife" then you have to decide if it is something you can deal with or not. If you can't leave, because its not something your going to change. Maybe the guy has been through to many relationships where the girl tries to change that, but he is unwilling to change it and probally very sick and fed up of having them try. So what is the harm in stating it up front. "Accept me for who I am or leave, but don't try to change me on this one, because it is not something I am willing to change." I know this guys wife didn't die, I was just using it as an example. Or lets say a woman says "I am going to be a virgin till I am married and if you can't deal with that get out of this relationship." Its not about respect, or cotnrol, its about values, one person has an uncomprimisable value and if the other person cannot comprimise to deal with it they shoudn't be in that relationship. But yes the guy still creeps me out, so I wouldn't date him.
Without reading any of the other posts after your initial post, I would have to say quite honestly "good riddance" of this man who would win the prize of being a waffler - to put it nicely. Not only does he admit to being promiscuous, but that he does not want to totally give up his ex's. No woman who values herself would put up with such a scenario. The guy may be a charmer, but he is a charmer you would be better off without.
He is playing mind-games, and I would question how many other women he is claiming that he misses once they start questioning his intentions. You said yourself that you did not see yourself wanting more than friendship with this guy. You did not see him as marriage material, and he certainly sounds like he intends to be a playboy for life. I understand attachments, even when it's mostly phone contact, but a guy who called 3-4 times day would be WAY TOO MUCH for most women. You have a life and a job and other things going on. Even if he were perfect in every way otherwise, that much phone contact is a bit strange to me.
I think the sooner you cut ties to this man completely, the better off you will be. Normally, I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this man sounds like a total anchor tied to your leg. You can do better.
I am confused about what you get out this friendship. What I got out of your posting was more about him and his issues and what he got out of you. So what do you miss about him?
I see how clearly you made a case about NOT calling him but I do not have any understanding on why you should....
Mark