What went wrong here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
What went wrong here?
12
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 11:41am

I recently started dating a guy who lived an hour from me. I had had one very bad experience with meeting a guy online and was still cautious about the whole thing. The new guy and I talked on the phone for almost 4 hrs. one night. We have had 3 dates since then but have talked on the phone every single day after the first date. I was very attracted to him, and he seemed to be with me as well. We talked about some of our past hurts. I tried to assure him that I was not the type of woman who purposely tried to hurt men. I might add that I was at his place last Sun. and things went great. He was very affectionate, caring, led me to believe that he wanted me in his life (possibly for a very long time). All seemed well and good until this last date (Thurs. night). He came down to my house for dinner. I sensed something different about him but brushed it off as nervousness maybe. He kissed me like he had previously (must admit he's a great kisser). I told him that I had hidden my profile on the yahoo personals site. Apparently he hasn't hidden his, but I feel like when you are dating someone, you shouldn't be surfing the web looking for other dates. There was no big discussion about this, but I told him I couldn't imagine wanting to go out with anyone else. I don't know if that scared him or what. But, he left about an hr. earlier than I expected and said he had some "thinking" to do. I asked him if he was mad at me for some reason and he said that he could not ever imagine being angry with me over anything (he said this with sincerity in his eyes). He said he would call me and we would talk, but it was like he needed to get his head together. It is starting day number 2 with no phone call from him. I did leave him a message the next day just to see if he was OK. I had only called him a couple times up to this point; I had let him do all the calling. I've had a couple friends tell me that maybe he is scared to be exclusive with me or is possibly falling for me and that also scares him. I feel like I have done nothing wrong here. Even if I hadn't mentioned the personals site, he did seem different somehow on Thurs. night.

I've read about men doing a complete reversal with women, and I have been burned before, but I had never hit it off so well with a guy and was led to believe that he wanted the same things I did to have his personality change so drastically. Are most men that confused about what they want? Even well into their 40's?? I'm truly sick of the game-playing, if indeed, that is what this is. I would appreciate some insite as to what might have happened here or some other thoughts besides the ones I've listed. My gut instincts are that we were moving too fast here...it would have gotten much more physical within the next couple dates..I could see that. How long should I give this guy to decide if he wants a realtionship or not? Forget him now? Today is Sat. and this incident happened this past Thurs. night. I need help.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:04pm

Well, personally, I think you brought up exclusivity too soon...but if he'd been right for you, that wouldn't have mattered.

I think this is a classic case of too much, too soon (4 hour phone calls??? Implying that he wanted you in his life for a long time when he barely knows you???). When he realized that you were thinking this meant you wanted to be "in a relationship" with him (gasp! What an unreasonable thing to want--I'm being sarcastic here ;-)), he bailed.

Move on...if he calls, he calls, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

And for future reference, you can control the pace of the potential relationship so that things don't move too quickly. For instance, don't have him come to your house or go to his for at least the first month. You make it sound like you would have had no choice in the matter of whether to get "much more physical". That's not true at all.

I don't think you were being cautious at all, btw. Cautious would have been quick phone calls, every other day at the most, and once a week dates.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:12pm

I agree with NWW. I will say that next time you date someone and take down your ad, don't tell them, just do it if you can't date more than one person at a time ok? If the man asks why you took it down (which I doubt) just say you were getting too much mail :-). If he wants to be exclusive with you -- let HIM bring it up. Yes, I'd wait at least a month to 6 weeks just so you two can really see if you're a good fit - of course in 3 or 4 dates it FEELS that way but the reality of it is things will change either for the better (you'll grow together) or worse (you'll realize you're not a match).

Look you thought you two were on the same page and the bam he did a complete change in his personality. Don't feel bad, as I said next time go slower and if this guy was right for you as NWW said he'd still be with you but just slow it down.

Good luck.

Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:19pm

Hi Mitsy,

Just giving general input since I have little experience with OLD. I find this strange. It is a good question to ask....Whether he knows what he wants, etc. Weird. I would be suspicious that there is something else going on. Not sure what...Another relationship, something. But maybe you will hear from him soon and he can give you some feedback.

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 3:57pm

Have you read He's Just Not That Into You? It's a real good read.

When a person really likes you, nothing can get in the way (barring that you're a psycho of course). There is no "he really doesn't know what he wants, etc."

I do agree with Peanut that if you want to take your profile down, don't tell them...

As far as NWW I guess you can be cautious all the time, but sometimes you have to take a chance. I've been cautious and not cautious with not good results...until I found someone who is into me...it's working out great so far and I was not really all that cautious.

Sometimes I think dating is a real crapshoot.

BTW, I'm 45 and I've met some real pieces of work out there. They want to be players, they're playing games, etc. The guy I'm with is 10 years older than me...maybe he feels he doesn't have time for the games anymore....LOL

Good luck...when the right person comes along, it will just click.

Claribeth

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:12pm

As far as cautious vs. not: I subscribe to the view Steven Carter has in his books..."If it's the love of a lifetime, you'll have a lifetime to enjoy it, so what's the rush?"

In other words, if it's meant to be, it's not going to HURT anything if you are cautious at the beginning, but you run a MUCH greater risk of *getting* hurt if you're not.

Anytime it works out with not being cautious, "you just know", etc...I think that's a case of 20/20 hindsight. It's *wonderful* that it did, don't get me wrong ;-)...but if it hadn't, that would be a different story. And the latter happens a LOT more often...people just don't tell stories about it, ya know ;-)?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:37pm

cbmroz wrote:
When a person really likes you, nothing can get in the way (barring that you're a psycho of course). There is no "he really doesn't know what he wants, etc."

I agree, and then, somewhat disagree. I, myself, do not know what I want sometimes. Maybe I know somewhere inside, but it isn't always obvious to even me. LOL. For instance, right now....I am leaving my husband, but there is a part of me that has wished I was someone who tried harder. I sometimes wish I was someone who could say (one day) I had been married 20 years straight to the same man. Probably not going to happen. Maybe sometimes we get caught up between who we are and who we wish we were. Things do get confusing. Sometimes I think I never want to be married again because it is too confined. From a totally different angle- **Sometimes** I think *most* men can't be trusted. Then there are days I wish I could meet a man that could keep me that interested to want to be married and want to make it work. Blah, blah, blah....LOL.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:42pm
Which is exactly why you need to take a big timeout and find out what it is you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 5:16pm

I know. I do know. Thanks.

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 9:12am

This happened to me so I understand completely. I've been on OLD for a year and it has gotten to the point where I really don't care anymore. I had a meet last week. Oh, was he a charmer. Don't you just love these guys who come on so strong in the beginning? This one called 3/4 times a day to let me know he was thinking about me. Tell me how gorgeous I am and so easy to talk to. How much he is interested in me and wants to get to know me. The typical 'tell me things I want to hear'. The biggest red flag was how he would put other people down and call them losers. I've seen this before where guys would 'try' to convince me (and themselves) how great they are. Uhhhhh, this doesn't work for me.
But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and met him. It went well and we continued to talk for a few days. Then it just stopped. As I had expected.
Most likely he's feeding this BS to someone who will believe him.
And, yes, these are guys in there 40's.
So, don't be surprised if your guy doesn't call. Just know you are better than that. And thank him. Thank him for not wasting anymore of your time so you can find that great guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 10:58am
I got an e-mail message from this guy finally. He said that he thought I was developing feelings for him too soon. Well, HELLO...it was HE who was calling me everyday and giving me deep passionate kisses on the 2nd date. Why is it that when a woman responds with interest back, the guy acts surprised, or worse, runs scared away? I sent him an e-mail back saying that you can't call someone every single day for 2 weeks and act romantic and interested in someone and then be shocked if the woman returns the affections. Is the chase really better than the catch? It shouldn't be by the time you are 44 or 45. I realize it would be much worse had I dated him longer, but still, I wouldn't have gone out with him at all if I had known this was how he'd turn out. This guy was seeking someone who was a non-drinker (as I am). It is oftentimes hard to find suitable dating partners who don't do the bar scene. That was one of the reasons he took a second look at my profile. There seemed to be chemistry, attraction, some things in common...all the elements, but he bailed anyway. I hate online dating.

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