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| Sat, 08-20-2005 - 11:41am |
I recently started dating a guy who lived an hour from me. I had had one very bad experience with meeting a guy online and was still cautious about the whole thing. The new guy and I talked on the phone for almost 4 hrs. one night. We have had 3 dates since then but have talked on the phone every single day after the first date. I was very attracted to him, and he seemed to be with me as well. We talked about some of our past hurts. I tried to assure him that I was not the type of woman who purposely tried to hurt men. I might add that I was at his place last Sun. and things went great. He was very affectionate, caring, led me to believe that he wanted me in his life (possibly for a very long time). All seemed well and good until this last date (Thurs. night). He came down to my house for dinner. I sensed something different about him but brushed it off as nervousness maybe. He kissed me like he had previously (must admit he's a great kisser). I told him that I had hidden my profile on the yahoo personals site. Apparently he hasn't hidden his, but I feel like when you are dating someone, you shouldn't be surfing the web looking for other dates. There was no big discussion about this, but I told him I couldn't imagine wanting to go out with anyone else. I don't know if that scared him or what. But, he left about an hr. earlier than I expected and said he had some "thinking" to do. I asked him if he was mad at me for some reason and he said that he could not ever imagine being angry with me over anything (he said this with sincerity in his eyes). He said he would call me and we would talk, but it was like he needed to get his head together. It is starting day number 2 with no phone call from him. I did leave him a message the next day just to see if he was OK. I had only called him a couple times up to this point; I had let him do all the calling. I've had a couple friends tell me that maybe he is scared to be exclusive with me or is possibly falling for me and that also scares him. I feel like I have done nothing wrong here. Even if I hadn't mentioned the personals site, he did seem different somehow on Thurs. night.
I've read about men doing a complete reversal with women, and I have been burned before, but I had never hit it off so well with a guy and was led to believe that he wanted the same things I did to have his personality change so drastically. Are most men that confused about what they want? Even well into their 40's?? I'm truly sick of the game-playing, if indeed, that is what this is. I would appreciate some insite as to what might have happened here or some other thoughts besides the ones I've listed. My gut instincts are that we were moving too fast here...it would have gotten much more physical within the next couple dates..I could see that. How long should I give this guy to decide if he wants a realtionship or not? Forget him now? Today is Sat. and this incident happened this past Thurs. night. I need help.

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If you find dating IRL to be any different, let me know! I sure haven't...not now and not back in the early 80s, or any time in between.
It's not OLD, IMO, it's *dating*, period. There are jerks everywhere, not just online.
Sheri
ok
my opinion.. I don't think there are any hard fast rules to dating and when you should or should not go to someones place(except first 1 or 2 dates, definite rule for safety), time on the phone et cetera BUT big bUT here it's all about balance.. I mean I would first never have enough time to spend 4 hours on the phone w/ someone i am dating .. I have a life and that would be disrespecting my boundaries and any guy that I am dating boundaries. I would never want to be kept on the phone that long w/ someone I just met.
Also I tend to like to go to a mans house and see how he lives. I think that says a lot about someone and I also like to invite them over so they can see how I live.. and this is something i like to do in the beginning of a r'ship not a mth down the road.. I mean usually you can tell what they like, how clean they are , etc.. and it does give me al ot of info rigth off the bat about him. (again i am not saying the first few dates you jump over eachothers houses)and also he should be courting you not inviting you to come over and "hang out"..
The other thing is men do not emotionally attach that fast. YeS they may say these things and they want you in their life but sometimes they just say it.. Actions ACtions Actions..it takes time and men just want to get to know you and have fun. They don't want to feel pressured into making a decision about you after 3 dates.Yes he may be looking for an ltr but once you let him know that you are that interested in him, his challenge is over.. men love to be challenged. This is not to say you should play games, but don't show all your cards or give a man the impression that you are ready to get serious after date 3, i mean you really don't know everything about him.. I agree it takes 4-6 weeks to know if you will decide this is the one you want to focus on more,and that is 4-6 weeks of dating a few times a week.
But i think my best motto is to relax have fun, not look down the road so fast, and when they say "futurisms", take that all w/ a grain of salt and pay attention to their actions over time. But no hard fast rules about when/how you spend your time together as long as you are having fun and learning about eachother. Also watch out for those men that talk that fast off the beginning about i want to take you here, do this w/ you etc.Men that mean what they say won't throw words out their that quickly .. real men will just do it rather than say it.. equalling actions!
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