What's my problem? A possible pattern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
What's my problem? A possible pattern.
9
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 2:46pm

I'm not sure if I'm on to something here, I'll probably find out next time I see my therapist.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 3:17pm
Yes, you are on to something that is going on with you internally. An excellent discussion topic for you and your therapist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:20am
I have that problem too. I attribute it to my generally low self-esteem. To quote Groucho Marx (I'm pretty sure it was Groucho) "I would never want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:08am

Yeah I have felt that before... And there could be many reasons (I'm curious to hear what your thearpist has to say). For me, it helped to turn it around into "Why wouldn't they want to be with me?"


To emdeesea... I really like that quote! :o)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:36am

I think it's human nature to want what you can't have. A few months ago I dated a guy very briefly. It seemed though when I didn't return his calls he became more eager and called me twice before I returned the one call. Whereas early on he would take his time by a day or two to return the call. I figured we weren't a personality match - I pay attention to actions and I'm not into games.

I'm glad you figured it out because if you don't you may never been in a relationship where it's mutual. Think about the rest of your life when dating, do u really want to chase after some guy who's not into you and avoid the guy that wants to be there by your side holding your hand? But congrat's on figuring out a pattern; that's a big step.

Good luck.

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:40am

<>


Can I get an AMEN?!?!?


:o)


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 12:12pm

I used to have this issue, but no longer (yea counseling ;-)). Now when someone is interested in me (assuming I'm interested in him of course), I'm like, "woohoo!"...and when someone doesn't show clear interest in me, it's a turn-off. I can't think of the last time I thought that I wasn't worthy of someone's attention, which is real progress for me.

Where I still have trouble, however, is when someone shows clear interest in me early on, I get attached, then he does the 180 degree turnaround and/or becomes hot and cold (alternative pursuit and withdrawal). It's SO hard for me to walk away, once I get attached. I know from counseling why that is, I still just haven't figured out a solution yet, but I'm working on it ;-).

I can't remember, have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter? The behavior you describe is indicative of someone with passive commitment issues. You might find it helpful...I know I did.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 12:20pm

Thank you Sheri, I will look for that book.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 7:16pm
for me its fear. It is easy for me to be a relationship that I am not committed to, but the moment that I want it to go well and I feel myself hoping that it is more then I am fearful.....


Edited 12/10/2005 11:34 pm ET by teri_73
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 9:57am
I do something similar. I just realized this too...whenever someone would show interest in me, I would find something wrong with them and back off. Whether it was a small physical flaw or something bigger, I would always have my stupid reasons for not wanting to see them again. And, the ones that I was interested in (that weren't interested back), I couldn't find any faults with them. There was one guy, a friend of mine, who was unreliable, had a codeine problem, selfish, lazy, flaky, but in my eyes, he could do no wrong. Thank God I got past that (for the most part) and I'll sometimes still write people off if they're interested, but I chalk it up to me not being attracted to them, and that could be the case. I recently discovered that I think I have a fear of committment, although I was dating someone last year and he had his flaws, but I didn't care about any of that, I was falling in love with him. He dumped me 2 months later, but well, live and learn ;)
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