When did dating become so complicated?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
When did dating become so complicated?
20
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 5:57pm

Hi!

I've been reading this board as well as a few others on iVillage for while now. There are many stories of ghosting situations, people who lie, people who want fwb situations, stories of hope, stories of success and stories of disappointment over failure.

I myself have had my ups and downs over the last year and a half. Most recently yesterday.. I met a guy who I had talked to for a few weeks back in January. Life got busy and we lost contact( no real surprise to me, I think this medium creates it to some extent) fast forward to the end of June and he reconnects with me and asks me out for coffee. I agree. We plan a time and place, I show up he doesn't. He texts me later to apologize he needed a nap.( he couldn't phone me before he took the "nap?" to cancel?)

I voice my displeasure and just leave it at that. A week later he starts to text me again being all flirty flirty. So I basically say to him that I have no interest an " electronic relationship" So either we do coffee or just drop the whole deal. He agrees!

The rescheduled meeting was yesterday! The plan was 12:30 at a set location. I always get to meeting places early on dates so I can get in the groove of things. I phone him at 12:10 to give him the location of my whereabouts. He doesn't answer so I leave a message. He calls back 10 minutes before we are to meet saying that he has a sore ankle so he is slow to get going. He will be there shortly( in the mean time I ran in to some friends, checked out some shops and bought myself a coffee and people watched) I say fine. Well Shortly turned into an hour later! I was about to call and leave when he called me to say he was here.

So we connect, conversation was basically guided by me, I couldn't really tell any attraction physically( on my end) ( he had his sun glasses on the entire time) we were checking out an outdoor culinary festival so we had little time to sit and chat as it was. We spend a few hours there and then we begin to depart. He gives me a hug( first real contact the entire date) and then he kissed me ( which caught me off guard and was definitely an awkward moment as I wasn't expecting it)

He then says ok well I'll talk to you later! When I got home I sent a polite thanks for the good afternoon text message. He replies 8 hrs later to say glad that I had fun and he'll talk to me later....

It's pretty clear to me that this probably won't go beyond what it was! ( His behavior over the course of the last month even after given the benefit of the doubt just showed me how serious he is about actually dating)

My question (or questions are rather) today is? How did it dating itself become so complicated? How did we get to the point where it's ok to be rude and have no shame about it( for both genders) How did we get to the point where we have to read between the lines of every interaction?( is he interested, is she?) How did we get to the point where sometimes assume the worst in people?

I have to laugh at the last year and a half as it's almost the only way to keep sane through this dating process!

Ohh the oddities of dating! I don't remember it being this complicated in my 20's but I guess in my 30's the "rules" have changed.

Anyway just something I've been pondering about...
Take Care!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 6:53pm

In general, I'm not sure it is really any different than it used to be.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
Sat, 07-25-2009 - 2:50am

Hi Soooobig!

No worries no offense taken what so ever! I agree with you it is cell phone abuse ( I am partially to blame for allowing it to happen) I am not absolving him of his poor behavior what so ever( that would happen regardless of phone or not)

What this ultimately was a chance for, was a chance to take a step back and look at my own behavior and own responses in the OLD world!

I think what I am left with tonight is not anger at him for his behavior but more anger at myself for putting up with it! That's not to say that I don't think people deserve second chances and such but I think in this case, I allowed too much!

I should have trusted my gut instinct when the first fiasco happened....

I guess dating is only complicated if you make it complicated!

Thanks for your reply I appreciate:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
Sat, 07-25-2009 - 11:51am

This isn’t complicated.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Sat, 07-25-2009 - 5:43pm

You were certainly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Sat, 07-25-2009 - 9:44pm

Dating has not gotten more complicated,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 07-26-2009 - 5:19pm

I think we make it too complicated.

My boyfriend emailed me, we talked on the phone for a month because he was TDY, met, had chemistry, had more dates, he asked to be exclusive, and here we are, six months later. Easy. There was no socially crippling emails and canceled dates and phone calls, no reading between the lines, no ultimatums regarding meeting, just mutual interest.

I think we try to force relationships to happen, without realizing that forcing these things rarely works. If you have to ask a guy several times for a date, he's not interested enough to make it work.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 12:36pm

I would have to agree that having so many choices, more than ever before, means people can always move on to the next person with lightning speed, at the first sign of anything they do not like or if another email comes in from a better prospect. Scientists have done experiments with choice. They find that when people are presented with too many choices, they will more often make no choice at all.

"A strange thing happens when we have too many choices: often we make no decision at all. Consumer research shows that providing too much choice will reduce sales.

In an often cited example from a psychologist at Columbia University, a display table of jams was setup at a gourmet food shop. On Day 1, six flavors were displayed; on Day 2, 30 different flavors.

Although the display of 30 flavors attracted more attention, shoppers were only one-tenth as likely to make a purchase.

Faced with multiple options - we face paralysis by analysis."

So I could see a person sitting there looking at all the potential matches thinking well maybe she's better, oh maybe she's better, and so on.

Cell phones are not the problem, they are a tool. We adults grew up without them and we tend to think calling is more appropriate than texting and texting is more rude. I think you will see as the younger generations get older, the ones who had cell phones since they could talk, will have a different view. I would imagine long ago when telephones were a new technology, people also probably fretted over how just calling instead of coming over was rude. Before cells and the internet there was probably just as much reading between the lines with plain old phone calls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 1:01pm

Geez...he sounds horrible! Sorry you had to go through that.

I've sort of asked myself the same questions as you and all I can do is deal with each man individually. If he's acting rude like your guy did, then I should either stop talking to him OR call him out and ask why he's acting that way. Being that I'm non-confrontational (lol), I usually opt for the stop talking to him option. I don't have time to deal with rude people like that.

I think that maybe some men don't get punished for acting so rudely so that's why they keep acting that way with new people. It would be nice if we all could kick them to the curb when they act rude but it's hard to do that when you really like a guy.

I say keep assuming the best in people because it's good to have positive energy. You'll attract positive people. Just simply forget the a**es who have no compassion or manners.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 6:27pm

LOL... your story reminds me of my very first OLD date.

Or what would have been one. He pressured me into meeting (I had a long bad day, and wanted to stay home and relax). Set time/place. We were to have a drink and then he had a poker game with his friends. He was to call me when he was close to the place, as he had a much longer drive. I got ready and waited. And waited. And realized I got stood up.

A few weeks later, he pesters me into meeting him again. So we meet at the same place. I was still mad, and to this day I don't know why I gave in to see him. But as he rambled on he told me that his phone battery died and he noticed it on his way. He thought about going back, charging it and calling me but decided not to, as he wouldn't have time to meet me and go to the poker game if he did so. He said: "I knew that by standing you up, I going to lose my chance with you, but I REALLY wanted to play poker."

Needless to say, I never saw the dude again (and had to threaten with police if he didn't stop contacting me... he was pushy all the way). But I learned one very important lesson that day. People know when they are behaving badly towards us, and they know the consequences. THEY JUST DON'T CARE.

A good guy-friend of mine said "Short of a broken leg or an ER visit, there is no excuse to cancel the first date." :)

Another guy decided to cancel the date because of the bad weather. It was drizzling! I graciously agreed, knowing I would not agree to see him again, even if he asked. I guess my BS meter is just higher...

I use my instinct to guide me when the excuse is real or some lame story. Things happen... but naps and swollen ankles? Seriously...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 8:03pm

Hmmm I dunno. I dont think its more complicated.


I met this dude on Hot or Not...emailed a few times, texted, talked on the phone twice. Went on two dates, moved in 15 days after our first meet


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