When a friend shares….
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| Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:25am |
Morning....
I notice this in real life and the boards…TrueWild’s post is a good example or let’s say a friend is complaining about some guy not asking her out as frequently as she wants and we all know he’s more than likely not her Mr. Right but her Mr. Right now and she decides to keep dating him……she’s not looking for advice nor is Jodie – they are simply sharing ---
Why do “we” as a rule feel the need to chime in with warnings or advice – why can’t we just say “best of luck”? They aren’t asking us a question or fishing for advice but merely making a statement or they have made a decision and decided to share it with us. Is it because of our own experiences and we’re concerned for them or is because we tend to by nature be “mother hen’s so to speak”?
Very seldom do you see a post where everyone is in agreement and says “hey good luck” without some words of caution whether directed at them or at least stated on the thread. We all know each of us has our own path to take and really there are no absolutes with relationships so…
I thought this might make a good post as I’m curious as to why we do this? Do you think subconsciously you want your message to register with that person, hoping maybe they will take what you say under consideration? Or you really want them to see your POV as you can’t accept their decision; you feel the need to challenge it? I'm curious - thanks!
Cheers,
Ms. Peanut

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If someone specifically states they are not looking for advice, then I generally won't say anything, and in the message board context, I think it's incumbent on posters to SAY something if they don't want feedback (otherwise, why post?). And if I know it won't be appreciated, I generally won't say anything either (but with some exceptions for particularly risky behavior). But generally I assume that people want constructive, well-intentioned feedback.
Anytime I do say something, it's based on concern and experience...and it's what I would expect of anyone who cared about me. I think it's something friends do for each other. So long as it's not presented in an unkind or belittling manner, I don't understand why someone *wouldn't* want feedback (although as I stated above, if they specifically say they don't, I'll honor that)...don't you want to consider all sides and make a fully informed decision? I generally find it helpful when people bring things up I may not have considered (although me being me, I usually have ;-)).
My friends and I watch out for each other. It's the same type of thing on the message boards, even though you obviously don't know the people (well, in some cases you do, but you know what I mean ;-)).
Sheri
Peanut, I'm with you.
I've struggled with this in my personal life where I had girlfriends I saw in bad situations and just thought to myself, man she's gonna get a kick in the butt for this one... I've realized something. Everytime I gave her advice that she did not ask for, it was just me judging her life based on how I would live mine. Especially when I would stick to my point, I realized that I was giving her no freedom as a friend to just live her life as she deemed fit.
So now I check in with my friends before I give advice. If they tell me something that they're happy about, yet that I have concerns about, I will ask them if it's ok to speak freely.
On the message boards, it's harder to do. However, I think it's important that we don't rain on people's parades. I think that at times, we need to let go. When we know we have given advice on a situation already and the poster decided to not heed that advice, that is when we wash our hands and hope for the best. No one ever hears you if you harp on an issue anyway. (I always think back to my childhood with this.) So I'd like to try to take the position of trying to be happy for the poster and if he/she needs us later, then be there when they ask for more advice...
Now mind you, with all this being said I am far from perfect in trying to follow this! But I do try. :o)
Good topic.
When I wandered over to the message boards, I was seeking support, reassurance, and the comfort of knowing others were going through the same thing that I was. I realize now that these serve many other functions, such as getting concrete advice and opening yourself to criticism. Criticism is not a bad thing--it forces you to analyze your behavior and motivations, so I welcome this.
On the other hand, I think the advice giver's motivation is crucial, which is tricky, because I don't personally know any of you. I imagine, though, there's an implicit agreement on these kinds of boards that the participants will to talk to one another in a spirit of being helpful and supportive of one another. I think for the most part, that's how it's worked, but sometimes I read messages and I wonder if the poster is motivated by anything other than to knock a person down. I don't like the advice that's pitched in a bossy or judgmental manner--that to me indicates that there's little concern for the well being of the advice seeker.
I participate on a professionally oriented board and you should see some of the nastiness on that. A job seeker was feeling discouraged about how hard the conditions are in her field, and one bad apple chimed in and said, "maybe you're just a loser." Now I've never seen anything like this on the ivillage boards, but it does highlight the fact that people have all different reasons for participating on message boards. Some genuinely want to be part of a community based on support, others just want to have fun messing with people.
That said, I would never censor anyone on these boards. I accept that by writing about my problems/mistakes/generally things I'm not proud of on these boards I am opening myself to all kinds of judgment and criticism. I'm willing to deal with that in order to get the good advice and support I seek.
I don't understand why someone *wouldn't* want feedback
Sometimes people want to just share some good news or share a decision they made - that's why. Whether we agree with it or not why can't we just listen and not judge? Nothing worse then second guessing a firm decison, let them stick with it unless the specifically ask.....why cast a shadow of doubt on their end if they are secure with their decision?
For example I'm meeting three guys out in the next two weeks - one lives 5 hours away (or 1 hour flight). No, I don't don't typically do ltr's as a rule and avoid them but I have never tried it - and I liked this guy's profile a lot and his personality on the phone it's my choice to meet tbe guy and yes I've considered all possibilities of the downside of someone so far away. But it's my choice to meet him. Then there are two locals I'm also meeting..... now if I state that - just as in "this is what's up with me and my dating life right now" in case a friend asks.... 9 times out of 10 for example someone will lecture you on the downsides of ltr's....trust me, I know and not looking. This is just an example by the way... :-)
Or a friend of mine went on 7 dates with a guy, she hasn't seen him in a month, she will see him next Saturday, he was sick with the flu, he's a single father....ok, personally I think if a guy is into you he will make the time to see you even if it's just for lunch but she likes him, wants to give him the benefit of the doubt therefore I will support her decision and let her own instincts guide her, if she gets hurt I will be there and if it works out I'm glad she did what she needed to not what I needed her too....
That's what I'm talking about, ha!
SP
So why wouldn't you just say in advance, when you're posting or talking to a friend, "I'm not looking for advice"? Or in your first example (and I assume you mean LDR not LTR ;-)), why not say, "I've already considered the pros and cons of an LDR in making my decision" or whatever?
It's the whole "do unto others" thing...I would want advice, so I give it, and I think it's uncaring not to (I would expect my friends to do the same). So if I were in your friend's shoes and you weren't saying anything, unless I specifically asked for no advice, I'd be thinking, "hmm, she's not giving me any feedback, she must not really be listening to me or focusing on what I'm saying". And if I found out afterwards that you'd been thinking something but didn't say it, I'd be upset. I don't go to my friends for a rubber stamp, I want constructive feedback (again, with the caveat of, unless I say otherwise)!
Now, I recognize that not everyone is the same way so I will temper things accordingly depending on which friend it is, but if you're posting on a message board, it makes no sense to me that you wouldn't want advice or feedback, again, unless you SAY so.
And why is giving feedback necessarily "judging"? Isn't that judgmental in and of itself to say that ;-)?
Sheri
Sheri, what are your thoughts when the advice has already been given? So for example, I come to the board, I ask you for your advice on something. You let me know. Then you see me post about the exact opposite of what your advice suggested? Does giving the same advice after the decision was made do anything?
And mind you, I'm not say you or anyone else does this... I'm just curious since you are one of the folks that has been around the board a long time.
Why do “we” as a rule feel the need to chime in with warnings or advice – why can’t we just say “best of luck”?
1. In truewild's post, most people did say good luck, or that they think it's fast but they are happy for her and wish her the best.
It really depends on the poster...do they acknowledge the advice or ignore it? Some will write a well-reasoned post in response and say, thanks for all the input, I considered X, Y, and Z and for these reasons, I decided to do it this way. You know what you've said was considered, and that's all you can ask for, so if I respond at all, I will say I understand, good luck, I hope it works out.
The ones I find most frustrating are the ones who ignore advice over and over, but keep asking for it. It's like the boy who cried wolf, eventually you give up.
Sheri
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