When a friend shares….

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
When a friend shares….
28
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:25am

Morning....

I notice this in real life and the boards…TrueWild’s post is a good example or let’s say a friend is complaining about some guy not asking her out as frequently as she wants and we all know he’s more than likely not her Mr. Right but her Mr. Right now and she decides to keep dating him……she’s not looking for advice nor is Jodie – they are simply sharing ---

Why do “we” as a rule feel the need to chime in with warnings or advice – why can’t we just say “best of luck”? They aren’t asking us a question or fishing for advice but merely making a statement or they have made a decision and decided to share it with us. Is it because of our own experiences and we’re concerned for them or is because we tend to by nature be “mother hen’s so to speak”?

Very seldom do you see a post where everyone is in agreement and says “hey good luck” without some words of caution whether directed at them or at least stated on the thread. We all know each of us has our own path to take and really there are no absolutes with relationships so…

I thought this might make a good post as I’m curious as to why we do this? Do you think subconsciously you want your message to register with that person, hoping maybe they will take what you say under consideration? Or you really want them to see your POV as you can’t accept their decision; you feel the need to challenge it? I'm curious - thanks!

Cheers,
Ms. Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 1:20pm

Yeah I can understand the folks who ignore advice... just as in real life (though this is real too, right?) it does become frustrating...


Hmmm another ? comes to mind too. LOL. What if a person does not take the advice, but has reasons for it and comes back to let you know it worked out the way you warned him/her originally? What's your take on that one?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 1:35pm

Excellent points, each one.

I'm always surprised when people take offence by a post on this board. After all, this is a public forum, a place to share our opinions, experiences, wins, losses and a few laughs. I've lurked on quite a few boards on iVillage and I have to say this board has some of the best people on it.

I assume if someone has a personal problem that they will do what others do and go to someone close to them for the best advice. I say "best" because friends/family know you best and will tailor their responses according to the relationhip.

On this board, I only know what you tell me and I tailor my responses accordingly.

Love it or leave it.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:21pm
Again, ITA! We're on a roll Sheri...LOL
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:29pm

Ha! I know I was thinking of one particular poster of old from the DD board when I wrote the last part of it ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 7:09pm

You're thinking like a laywer Sheri, wink.

I shouldn't have to say I'm not looking for advice on LDR's as an example. Why can't a person when asked "so what dates do u have lined up this week" and I say two locals and one from N. CA - end of story. Why does it have to turn into a lecture or someone giving you advice when u didn't ask, you're merely making a statement, it shouldn't is what I'm saying.

My friend with the guy that was sick she said to her friends to stop lecturing her, she made a decision but somehow they want to keep giving feedback, it's her choice.

We're not talking just public message boards, this carries on into real life too.

Cheers,
Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 7:31pm
The sheer nature of a mesage board is to post and give advice on other posts. I'm with Sheri - if someone doesn't want advice, they should say so straight out. Why bother having a message board if others cannot give advice? Kinda pointless, IMO. If people choose to ignore the advice that others offer, that's their prerogative, but if they are coming out here and doing something against the norm or that seems unwise, why shouldn't we voice our opinion on it? As I said, they are adults that are free to make their own choices but a different POV should usually be appreciated. If someone is so sensitive that they cannot handle comments on their actions, maybe they shouldn't post or they should preface their post by saying they don't want advice or comments.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:21pm

I think you're missing my point - it's not about message boards per say it's a question in general. If your friend said I'm going to die my hair pink and I'm going in one hour you might be inclined to lecture her - but she clearly made her decision. My question is in general why do we tend to do that, give advice when they clearly are not asking.

Thx

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:25pm

Because we care.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:32pm

But caring is respecting their choice and supporting their decision. Caring is not lecturing when they clearly have made a decsion hence you stand by them and support them. We're not talking going off and doing something bad but you know what I mean.

Anyhow, good topic and no rights or wrongs....I sometimes think people use the "because I care" because they like to cast a shadow of doubt or can't be satisfied not giving their input almost like some sort of control factor... let them experience it, they obviously weighed all sides of the coin or they wouldn't be running out to get their hair died pink as a hypothetical, ha!

Cheers,
SP

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:33pm

No, I'm not thinking like a lawyer, I'm thinking like ME. What do you want me to say? That you're right and I'm wrong? I disagree with what you're saying and I've stated the reasons why. It's a simple difference of opinion and approach...doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong. Like I said, I *want* feedback, so I give it. THAT to me is being a caring friend!!! Not giving/getting advice equals not caring. You disagree and that's fine, but don't make me out to be wrong.

Besides, IRL, don't you know which friends would be likely to give advice and which ones wouldn't? It's easy enough to just go to the appropriate friends, depending on what you're looking for.

Sheri