When a friend shares….
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| Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:25am |
Morning....
I notice this in real life and the boards…TrueWild’s post is a good example or let’s say a friend is complaining about some guy not asking her out as frequently as she wants and we all know he’s more than likely not her Mr. Right but her Mr. Right now and she decides to keep dating him……she’s not looking for advice nor is Jodie – they are simply sharing ---
Why do “we” as a rule feel the need to chime in with warnings or advice – why can’t we just say “best of luck”? They aren’t asking us a question or fishing for advice but merely making a statement or they have made a decision and decided to share it with us. Is it because of our own experiences and we’re concerned for them or is because we tend to by nature be “mother hen’s so to speak”?
Very seldom do you see a post where everyone is in agreement and says “hey good luck” without some words of caution whether directed at them or at least stated on the thread. We all know each of us has our own path to take and really there are no absolutes with relationships so…
I thought this might make a good post as I’m curious as to why we do this? Do you think subconsciously you want your message to register with that person, hoping maybe they will take what you say under consideration? Or you really want them to see your POV as you can’t accept their decision; you feel the need to challenge it? I'm curious - thanks!
Cheers,
Ms. Peanut

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Sheri, you are a laywer (or used to be) and it was a joke - relax :-) - u tend to weigh every side of the coin inside and out, that's what I meant. Like where did this rabbit come from so to speak...
See my latest posts - it explains and no rights or wrongs, I didn't say that; you're obviously misreading what I said....
SP
PS You really misread my post, I went back to re-read mine to you and no where did I say Sheri you are wrong - I was giving you the other side of the coin? Hope you're ok, not like you to go off on me, LOL
Edited 12/10/2005 8:51 pm ET by small_peanut2005
Yes but you are making
For me, the manner in which the advice is given has a lot to do with whether or not I'll consider it and how I'll feel about the person giving it. If I was going to dye my hair pink and a friend thought it was a bad idea, there are many ways she could express her displeasure with this choice. She could tell me, "That's stupid. Don't do it. You'll regret it." She could say, "I don't think it's a good idea, but go ahead if it's what you want to do." Basically the same message--she doesn't want me to do it, but I'd have totally different responses to each.
Call me sensitive, but I don't deal well with abrasive people. I also suspect not being able to talk to one another in person results in some of the misunderstanding. We have different communication styles. There's a woman at work from New York and she's just a tough, feisty woman who speaks her mind and doesn't always think about how to say things nicely. Initially I took what she'd say personally and then I realized this is just how she is. I can work with her much better now, but I don't go out of my way to socialize with her because I find her communication style to be jarring and unpleasant.
I guess there have been a few threads where the poster was offended to receive advice in any form because she was probably seeking support and comfort and didn't want to be questioned. I think this is a naive way to approach the boards, but I do make pains to be sensitive because often the poster's vulnerability just seeps from their messages.
I've gotten responses I didn't like, but I don't know, I accept that joining these forums means I have to thicken my skin and take the good with the bad. I dismiss the comments that aren't helpful to me and pay closer attention to the ones that are. And at the same time, when I chime in on other people's dilemmas, I do so knowing that what I say might be dismissed as silly or unhelpful. It's like a gift--you put it out there and leave it to the recipient to accept or reject it, but either way, it's no skin off my nose.
These are all good points and made a great thread. I was more curiuos as to why people do it as it happened to me the other day with a friend - she with me and me of her - it's amost instictual sometimes to give our two cents when it's not asked....and I wondered, why do we do this? Are we meddling ya know? Do we really care? Or do we just have to give our two cents..because we can.
SP
Hey, I just got dumped, you can't be expecting me to take a joke ;-)!!!!
But seriously, I just felt like you were implying I was wrong, because you just kept repeating your viewpoint and not really acknowledging that people could differ in their approaches and still be caring, supportive friends.
Sheri
Oh, sorry to hear that. At least you had some fun times while it lasted but I'm like you in that way, even if I tell myself this is for fun only I still get a tiny bit attached. Hopefully u have some other prospects to meet out
Well, I'm the only one with this viewpoint on this thread so maybe I am repeating myself, ha! But so are others with their viewpoints.
However I did it the other day - gave advice when it wasn't asked and had it happened to me that is what triggered this. Like why do we do this - I don't always give my input even if I want to say something but if a friend tends to come to me with the same problem I will say something...
SP
I was more curiuos as to why people do it as it happened to me the other day with a friend - she with me and me of her - it's amost instictual sometimes to give our two cents when it's not asked....and I wondered, why do we do this? Are we meddling ya know? Do we really care? Or do we just have to give our two cents..because we can.
It all depends on the two people, the dynamic of their relationship, and the issue/situation being discussed.
ITA!
During my divorce I was extremely sensitive about "advice" it seemed so many people wanted me to "get over it" on their timetable, as if finding out your husband was cheating on you and leaving you for her was just something you easily got over in a month or two. So there were a few friends I would have to say when they called I'm extra sensitive today can you handle me with kid gloves, that was my little message to my normally blunt and to the point friends that to sugar coat the advice a little.
THey were pretty good about it. At the end of the day, you are going to do what you want anyhow, so hearing imput from others is usually helpful in my opinion even if I didn't ask. I know when I bring up something to my friends, I want their feedback, not just a pat on the back. I don't just tell my friends things so they say "poor you" or "WAY TO GO" I tell them things to get their opinions, get their feedback etc. That's what friends are for. When we are in a situation we are emotionally invested, we sometimes can't step back from the situation and see what others can see from the outside. Not to say the advice is perfect but I know that those around me love and care about me and want the best for me.
Now I did have one "friend" recently that started basically tearing into me for no reason, unprovoked came out of no where. I asked her to please step back and take it down a notch as we weren't even talking about the subject she started railing on me about. She refused to respect my wishes that she back off a bit, and came at me again. My aunt died that same week and I had to tell my mother when she returned from her vacation that she died (this is the second time this year that I had to inform my mother of someone dying both times when she was on vacation...) I emailed my friend back, told her that my aunt died and that I would appreciate it if she would respect my wishes and not email me again as I had a lot going on. She didn't for like 2 months then when she finally did (she was an accountant this was during tax season) she wrote back something short and meant in a derogatory way, I emailed her back told her I'm not sure what she was talking about but I'm convinced it was deragatory and if that was all she had to say to me after my last email to her was in regards to losing my aunt than we no longer were friends and to remove me from her emailing list. That was the only time something like "advice" ended a friendship.
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