When to ha ve him over-your thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
When to ha ve him over-your thoughts
14
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 9:44pm
Met a guy from Plentyoffish.com, we have enjoyed each others company 2 times so far. I tend to take these too quickly, so I want to take it slow now, he asked to come over, but I think it's best to wait for at least 2 or 3 more dates. HOw soon did you invite him over or he invite u over? I am not trying to be a rules girl, but i am once bitten twice shy. Plus, it's been a while since i have dated, so you know I have a lot of cleaning to do in my "natural habitat" before I can have over anyone! lol I don't want to over think things and he says he wants to also take it slow, but I want feedback from the field. Do tell!!!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 11:06pm

I tend not to invite a new guy over to my house until I'm ready to accept the possibility that sex will be involved. So I generally wait until we've been dating for a while--6-8 weeks or so.

If I were looking for something on the serious side, I'd be a bit leery of a guy who was asking to come over so soon--do you know what type of relationship he's looking for?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 1:23am

I would agree with Sheri in that first you want to find out what kind of relationship he's looking for. What does his plentyoffish profile say? Does it say looking for "long term" or just "dating"?

My experience with a guy that wanted to come over my house was that he wanted sex and *nothing* else from me. He would always suggest we hang at my house. Always. Later on, my suspicions that he was only after sex were confirmed.

The guy I'm dating right now, invited me over to his house for our second date. Actually, I brought it up because he said when he's in a relationship that's his preference for Saturday night-a movie, food and his specialty drink-just a cozy night. He's not into the club scene. He said it would be perfect, so that's where I went. It turned out great. No sex, no pressure, just a nice time. But, I did take a risk. For our next date, we're going to the botanical gardens.

But, anyway. I wouldn't let your guy come over just yet. Like it will be awhile until I let this guy come over my house. But, I went over his, so I guess it depends on what you're comfortable with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:11am

My last serious relationship (Carlos) I beleive we had known eachother about a month & 1/2 & seen eachother about 4-5 times b4 he came over. Yeah, it was actually date #5, i had a little dinner party ... & that would be the 1st nite we had "Sexy time" too

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:19am
Thanks for your comments. My profile says "activity partner" not long term. His states "dating". I dont want to get into a situation where I put huge expectations on a person early on. I also told him we are not ready for house dates, and he said he would wait. My thoughts are similar to the girl who went over the guys' house on the second date. When I do decide we are ready, I want to see where he lives first. I need to be sure there's no ex or current SO hidden somewhere. I think no matter when you invite someone over, or when you have sex, there's always that risk that things won't work out. I just don't want to put my baggage of past situations on a guy who appears to be sweet. Time will reveal! It always does. Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:59pm

I think putting "activity partner" when you're actually looking for a potential romantic partner is a big mistake. An activity partner is someone you play tennis with, or whatever. They could be the same gender as you.

Here's the acid test- an "activity partner" could even be the opposite sex and married to someone else. There's absolutely nothing romantic/sexual about the relationship- it's just someone that likes the same activities as you.

If, and that's a big IF, you wouldn't feel comfy hanging with an "activity partner" of the opposite sex who was married, then you don't really want an "activity partner". You want a DATE.

Just my opinion, but I think a lot of people are kind of trying to fool themselves with the "activity partner, just looking to start real slow" bit. The honest truth is that most of the time, they really want someone to date, they're just not the "hop into bed within the first few dates" type of person.

There's nothing wrong at all with that, or with wanting to take things really slow and easy; just say so. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 4:43pm
I would take it easy. I might even do a little research on him!! I have seen some things over the years, and lived through some things long enough to tell about them! Take it slow, if he's really into you, he'll still be (even more if he waits for you a little). If he's a looking for something quick and then move on, you'll find that out soon enough. But it never hurts to do a little checking up on him by using something like www.peoplesearch.com or something like it. Just a thought!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:21pm
Jerseygyrl, good luck! Let us know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:25pm

hjntiy: "I think putting "activity partner" when you're actually looking for a potential romantic partner is a big mistake. An activity partner is someone you play tennis with, or whatever. They could be the same gender as you."

Jerseygyrl, I agree with the above. I think a lot of men looking for serious relationships will pass you up by you stating you're looking for an "activity partner". Say what you want. I've noticed that the majority of men do. Like this poster said, that doesn't mean you can't take things slow. If a guy really likes you, he will appreciate that and respect your wishes.

edited to add: I personally pass up all profiles that say "activity partners" "e-mail only" "talk" and that sort of thing.




Edited 4/20/2007 6:45 pm ET by purity2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:23pm
Hello everyone, lol. Thanks for the replies to my post. I do like having activity partner on my profile, because that's actually what I want at the moment. So far that's what he's been. My concern was him coming over too soon. I am trying to take things slow, with any guy, not just this one. Not because of the rules, but because within 3 weeks, the glitter wears off and you start the real process of getting to know each other. Having a guy be my friend, but whom I have good chem with will be a challenge. In the past, I have moved quickly from a few dates, to his lover. Right now, I want to enjoy the company of a handsome guy, without it leading to hot sex (too soon). The purpose of my post was trying to find out from the board how long you all wait for house dates. From what I have read, it varies from second date, to 8 weeks. I agree with one poster that it's important to know who you are dating. I am not going to get into researching his past, shoot he may find more on me. lol I am a firm believer that things come out sooner or later, and I try to keep myself aware of those possibilities. What I am thinking is that if we continue to hang out with each other, I wouldn't even consider a house date until I have been over his house, and also if we have had a few more dates. I do not, however, want to mess up what could be a great friendship (with or without possibilities) by having a lot of trust issues. I just want to enjoy the company of a guy without trying to run him down the aisle, move him into my house, or ask him "where is this going" after only a few weeks. Does anyone else understand how I am feeling? I want to shift my past attitude about dating. I read a great book today called Date like a guy by Julianna Depandi from E!. Loved it. Thanks for the feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:09am

I totally get where you're coming from as I've been in that same boat before... But I'm also seeing a potential glitch. You can still go slow and not hunt the guy down by stating what you ultimately want. To be quite honest with you, what I'm getting from your posts is that you're afraid to say you ultimately want a relationship with someone. And again, I understand that you want to start slow and let things build, but if at the end of the day you want to be in a relationship, you have to state that. Otherwise you'll get into a situation where you start falling for a guy and he may turn around and say "well all you wanted was an activity partner." KWIM?


I'm not telling you to change the way you're going at things, just to get really honest with yourself about what you ultimately want and to not waste time trying to build something else into it. Does that make sense? I hope so.


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