When to let him drive
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 10:16pm |
Hi all,
I am going on a second date with a guy (met last Friday, went out on Saturday, have a date for next Saturday). We live around 15 min away from each other. We're going to a place about 50 min away for both of us. It would make sense to drive together. However, I am not sure it is wise.
I'm not worried he's in any way dangerous. I've interacted with him in person twice and on the phone three times. He is part of a respectable business in town. We have acquaintances in common. So that's not a problem. Nor am I worried that we won't have enough to say to each other in the car. We have definitely hit it off.
My question has to do with keeping things from going too fast. I have read on this board that it is better not to let the guy see where you live for a while. I can see the sense of this.
So what is a good time (in general) to let the guy pick you up and bring you home? Second date? Third date? Later still?
All advice is welcome. (I'm recently divorced and just getting back to dating after a 20+ year marriage.)
Thanks,
Elsa

I think the reason people say you shouldn't let him see where you live for a whlie is for safety reasons. I know in college, when I met people in class, I let them pick me up all the time for first dates. And you know what, that's probably about as safe.
Personally, I wouldn't worry about it going too fast. IF you feel safe, go for it.
my rules:
1- After date 3 you can pay for his dinner
2- After date 5 he can drive you home.
3- After date 8 if you still like him he can get to see your living room and maybe the dining room!
4- After date 12 he can get to see the duvet :~)
Dont ask me if I follow my own rules! It is always hard when you ve been single for a long time to play by the rules!
It is like Tennis if you dont play for sometime you start confusing the rules. I m confusing rule #4 with #1 right now!
Oh god! don't remind me of college. It's a miracle I didn't get raped or killed. (I almost got raped once, actually.) And I was pretty tame and cautious compared to my peers. My daughter is in college right now and I just don't want to think about the crazy things college students do.
I agree that I'll be just as safe (or safer) than with some of the dates I had in college.
I just don't want to overlook something obvious just because I don't have much OLD experience.
Elsa
Ha! I quite understand. I'm not at that stage at the moment, but that's because I have a lot of will power. ;)
Your rules are helpful even though mine may end up being a little different. For example, I am paying for half of our date on Saturday. I prefer it that way because I have been saying that I want friendship not romance. (I think romance would be lovely, but this approach takes some of the "this must be a great date or else we've failed" pressure from me. Plus, if a guy is just not attractive to me, but would make a good date/companion, I want to keep that open also without deceiving him.)
I want to take my time with OLD, and I wouldn't want to give the message that I am ready for closeness when I am not. So it is helpful to me to know how other people handle this.
Elsa
If you feel comfortable with him safety wise, I think it's fine to have him pick you up.
As for the going too fast thing, you don't have to EVER invite him in when he drops you off, if you don't want to! Just say goodbye in the car.
Sheri
I don't really worry that this guy is going to do anything funny. As I mentioned before, he'd have too much to lose. He's got a position in the community. And if he did behave in such a way that I didn't want to drive home with him, there are always taxis.
Also, it's not hard for him to get my address. He has my phone number. I am in the phone book. If he is a weirdo, he could find me without my giving him my address.
So I'm less worried about his finding out where I live than I am of giving him the message that it is okay to come by my house or that the next step is going to be inviting him into my house.
However, I suppose we do invite our dates to our houses at some point. What is do you think is good timing for that? Third date? Later?
Elsa
Re: Saying goodbye in the car
Guys I used to date in my youth, if they were counted or trying to be counted as gentlemen, got out of the car and escorted me to the door of my house/apartment/dorm.
I guess I can tell him not to get out. Wonder if he'd listen. And if he tries to kiss me goodnight outside my door, what will the neighbors think! ;)
(I'm not sure I'm ready for dating. I sound like a 13 yr old, don't I?)
If you can actually find a guy who insists on escorting you to your door, then cross that bridge when you come to it ;-). But my point is, you don't have to feel like you have to invite him in, whether it's on the 2nd date or the 10th, just because he's picking you up/dropping you off at home.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
I live in the South, so maybe walking women to the door is more a custom here. Las December, a sixty-year-old co-worker walked me to my door after he and his wife drove me home from a Christmas party. (His wife waited in the car.) I was sober, so it was just a courtesy.
About my current dilemma, the solution was to offer to drive him. We're going to a place I know better than he does, so it made sense to offer and he only gave token resistance. I'm pretty sure he figures I'm doing it for safety reasons, but what do I care? Any sensible man will respect caution in the first few dates, I'm sure.
I just hope it all goes okay tomorrow. He seemed like good company the last couple of times, and he seems to understand that I just want a few friends to date, not any relationships right now. I mustn't get my hopes up, but he seems like he could be a friend.
Elsa