When to make it more

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
When to make it more
4
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:08am

Help! I'm SO confused!

I began talking to a guy online and we met in person about a month and a half ago. He travels 2 weeks out of every month, but we saw each other twice before his last trip. While he was out of the country he called me four times and emailed me every single day. The day he flew back to the US, he took me out. While he's home, we see each other about twice a week but talk every day.

We've both said that we are not talking to anyone else, and we have decided that we are "dating" (whatever that means). BUT, here is my problem...He still logs into the dating site every day. In fact, we hung out last night, and then I just saw that he logged in at midnight last night, which was after he got home and called me to say good night.

I have subtly dropped that I do not want to "waste my time" with him if we don't have a future. However, hhe always talks about having a future with me, and talks about doing things together months from now!

I have no reason not to believe him (yet) about anything he's told me, but why does he log into this site so often? I don't know how to ask him without sounding like a crazy stalker! And, when is it too early to bring up taking down our profiles? I cannot hide my feelings very well and this is starting to drive me nuts. If we really are exclusive, then I'd like to be exclusive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:26am

HI and welcome to the board!

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:48pm

If you both claim to want the same thing, then it's time to sit down and have a talk about being exclusive. This won't be a problem if he's made it clear he wants to be with you and sees you as part of his future.

Call him on it. I'd be curious about the wandering eye thing too. If he's saying one thing and doing another, you could be wasting your precious time.

Incidentally, that's one of the worst features with some of the OLD sites. The ability to know when the guy is online/offline/for how long. Yes, it will make you nuts. But also keep in mind these 'activity indicators' aren't always accurate.

When I was on Match, I constantly had people writing to say "I see that you're online now, email me" When in fact, it had been days since I was last logged on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:13pm

I have been dating my bf for a little bit over 6 months now. I would say 2 months into our relationship I began seeing that he checked his Personals, every day. I don't know if it irrated me, or I was just curious why he was still checking it. It took about 4 months before he unsubscribed from the Personals. I never did ask him why he checked it every day if he was happy, and didn't want to be with anyone else. I still had my profile up, but I made it non searchable. I took it down about 3 months ago. I would say give it some time and see if it persists, or if it is really bugging you sit down and talk to him about it. What is the worse thing that can happen

Cheryl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 12:15pm

Thanks for all the great advice! I met my last 2 bfs online and they both approached me pretty quickly about taking my profile down. I guess I'm just not used to it being this way. I am going to try to hold out on saying anything to him. While it would bother me if he dated someone else, I am pretty sure he's only seeing me, so I have to trust my intuition.

I'm also going to stop checking on whether he's logging in because that just makes me a little bit of a stalker. :-) I joked with him yesterday about how expensive it is for him to leave up his profile since he;s already found me. He said he'd cancel his membership, but I responded with something along the lines of "you can do whatever you want." I want him to cancel b/c he wants to, not b/c I want him to, you know? Anyway, I don't think I can revisit this issue for a few more weeks now...oh well!