When is too much success detrimental?
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When is too much success detrimental?
| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 1:07am |
Hi all. I've been visiting ivillage message boards for some time and have always found everyone's story to be touching and moving, and the advice to be as equally insightful and caring. I'm just now come to a dilemma of my own which I could really use some good advice on. I've been doing OLD for about six months now. To be frank, it's been quite difficult (for me) to make a connection with the men I meet. Differences in personality, viewpoints, etc. have always been a deal breaker. Until I met this great man three weeks ago. We hit it off on email and in person right away. He's nice, fun, courteous, educated... well, an all around great guy. Our first date went great, I felt so at ease and comfortable with him. He even complimented on how beautiful and nice I was and ended the date with a peck on the cheek. I had some reservations at the beginning as he's 10 years older. But after that date, it didn't seem to matter. Well, this past weekend, it did matter when I saw him driving up in a mercedes to meet me for a hiking date we planned. We spent some time talking about our lives, his work. He had alluded to being successful, but I had no idea how successful. He's in a tax bracket I've only dreamed of ever being in. To most women, finding a successful man is a great plus. It was anything but for me. It pretty much set a bad tone for the date. The age factor, income factor all seemed magnified for me. I felt uncomfortable and uneasy throughout the entire date. As a means of overcompensating, I think I came off as flippant and immature. Needless to say it was not a fun hike for either of us. Now, I'm at a loss on how to feel or what to do. While I've only known this man for a couple weeks, it's rare that I make a connection like that. But at the same time, his success and experiences make me feel that much younger and that much more inadequate. I keep wondering if he were less successful would I have felt more at ease. And then I go through the what does he think, which is pointless I know. A part of me hope he calls as I do see potential for something, but I think my insecurities about our differences have wedged something which hasn't even had a chance to start. I thought about sending him an email regarding the hike, but wasn't sure if that would make me seem desperate. I know the conservative thing to do is to wait it out to see what happens. Has anyone ever met someone they were so intimidated by, it overshadowed a potentially good date?

Hmmm - thats interesting. B/c as you say, i think most people would be thrilled to find someone who they fall "all that" for AND they were a successful person as well.
Why do you think that his sucess or wealth makes you so uncomfortable? (besides the age thing). I mean, he obvioulsy doenst care, & he likes you ... if you really feel as if there is potential there, maybe you could try apologizing about acting as you did, & being honest? Do you feel close enough to him to do that?
Or maybe just send him a nice note thanking him for a great time - & maybe mention you were a "bit out of sorts that day" & hope he is willing to see you again?
I am seeking a life partner. I am looking for a woman that is similar in economic status. The reason is that I'm 52, have non-custodial children 13 & 17, been out of work for 5 yrs, gave up my house to my former spouse, just bought a townhouse, and just now working back in my profession as technology project manager.
The reason I listed those things about me is because I am not financially in a position where I am looking toward retirement soon as most(?) people my age. Nor my children are not going to be on their own for a while or even out of college as with most parents my age.
Women who have their children grown and on their own and have six figure incomes won't be a match for me. I cannot afford to travel with them to Europe or take them out to expensive dinners. Plus I do not have the time for their lifestyle since I work at a 45+ hour a week job and spending half weekends with my children.
My point is that I look for economic parity as well as lifestyle similarities not to mention core values matching. Of course there are looks, personality, ... hmmmm no wonder we have trouble finding someone that will work out in the long run!
Good luck
Mark
I'm curious of why his wealth in your mind is a dealbreaker or turn off? Would you rather he be struggling and trying to just make it?
my thinking is, maybe you don't feel worthy of someone like that? someone that makes more money makes you feel uncomfortable/intimidates you or inferior.. they are no different than anyone else. they just make more money.. we are all successful in our own ways.money doesnt define success-- we are all human and have the same feelings/issues as someone that has less or no money but yes our quality of life maybe a bit nicer.
i have dated plenty of guys w/ money who were no more mature or well adjusted than someone that made less..
so get over the "status" -- and find someone that has good values/soul/ etc and if they also have money- then it's a great bonus.. and it sounds like maybe this guy had all that
i'd write him a nice email .. light hearted maybe a little humor in it..
but bottom line it sounds like "the money" factor makes him better than you> and that is not the case .. he is not /