who should propose the first meet?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
who should propose the first meet?
9
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 11:43pm

Hey guys,

I'm a male , 42 years old. I did OLD one other time before this and dated a woman for about 8 months before it fell apart. I met 3 women in that round of OLD before I started the relationship with the one woman. One of the other women I met only once and there was no chemistry and the other I went on 3 dates with I think and things were going good with her too so It was hard to choose the other one and tell her I was pursuing another person. In both cases of the 3 date woman and the 8 month woman, we emailed a while first and they were the one who initiated the meet, meaning they suggested it first in the email exchange.

So I finally started the OLD thing again and am emailing a few women. I guess the question I have for the community here is what do you guys think most women think about who should initiate the idea of meeting the first time? Do you think most women sort of 'expect' the guy to make the first suggestion about meeting or do you think its pretty even, 50-50?

I just don't have that much experience with the whole OLD thing yet and I don't want to appear to be dragging out the email exchange when they are sitting there waiting for me to suggest a first date or meet.

It so happens that the two woman I had multiple dates with, had alot of experience with OLD, had been doing it awhile. That could explain their decisiveness and cutting to the chase of the meet.

What do you guys think?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 7:29am

Personally, I prefer the man to suggest meeting. I think most women expect men will be more "aggressive."

FWIW, I also prefer the man to contact me first and to also suggest the first few dates. I am not old-fashioned, I just don't like to chase men---I've not had good luck with that in the past. OLD is a bit of a topsy-turvy world, however, so suggesting a meet or even contacting a guy first isn't really "chasing." In fact, I've heard many women say they have better luck when they do the first contact.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 8:59am
Thank you, that was helpful. I guess the main thing is you can't be all things to all people, can't please everyone so inevitably some someone will either think you took too long to suggest a meet or you went too quick to suggest a date. When people sort of ghost on you in the middle of emailing you wonder what you said, or if it was anything you said, or was it what I was asking about: did I not suggest meeting soon enough and so I seem indecisive or something. So its easy to see how the thick skin grows on one pretty fast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 2:16pm

I'm not in the demographic to which you addressed the question, so if you don't care about my answer, you can ignore it, but my opinion:


- There's a cultural expectation that the guy will do the asking when it comes to an actual meeting. Which is not to say that women don't sometimes take the lead on that, but I wouldn't wait for them to do so.


- There's also a cultural

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 4:52pm

IMHO whoever wants to should do it! its 2009 for heavens sake...we are meeting ppl in cyber space! The only rules are...be honest to yourself and others and be safe. PERIOD


But thats just my 2 lil pennies.


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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 9:10am

Thanks guys.
I'm starting to question myself now. If what you say is true about the 3rd email being the one where you should suggest the meet, then I have come up against that total with 3 women right now and at least two of them seem to now be taking a while to get back to me. So now I'm wondering what terrible thing I said to drive them off. Now I'm thinking I should have suggested a meet in my last email to them. They just got another rambling email back from me about what I have been doing and asking about what have they been doing etc. So they are probably thinking does this guy just wanna send small talk emails back and forth or is he really serious about taking the next step. So possibly I did myself a disservice. Funny thing is all of them contacted me first, so in a way wouldn't that weigh things a little more in their direction for them to suggest the first meet? I was ready to suggest it but I didn't want to too soon and seem pushy and now I fear I appear to be wishy washy.

Of course they could have also just gotten sidetracked by another guy who was more decisive! :)

I know it is just way to early in the OLD process for me to start stressing about things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 4:26pm

Your last sentence is right on the money.


I just suggested the 3rd email thing as a rough rule of thumb. It may be faster than is typical. Anyway, from a number of women's posts here, apparently it's not unusual for guys to be a good bit slower than that.


As a more general observation: trying to read people's minds in romantic situations - particularly (but not only) if they're people you've never met - is a pretty common route to creating imaginary problems.


They also could've gotten side-tracked by a project that's due for work, a sick kid, a balky Internet connection, a car that needs to be serviced, a friend visiting from out of town ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 5:33pm

Yes, you are WAY overthinking things at any stage of OLD, much less before you've even met.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 6:49pm

ITA with Vexer (as

sooooobig
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 11:48am
thank guys, everything you said makes sense.