Why do I run from what I think I want?
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| Fri, 12-16-2005 - 10:28pm |
I think maybe Jennie (firstamendment)posted something like this not too long ago, so I'm anxious to get your opinions on a similar situation with a different twist.
I've started chatting with 2 different guys from Match, and they seem different as night and day. Ironically, they're both named Chris, which is a whole other can of worms. But anyway! Chris1 is someone I chatted with about 6 months ago, that kind of just waned out. We never chatted on the phone or met, but I was rather interested. He's my exact physical type, tall and thin and boyishly cute, and he has a really great personality from his e-mails. But he seems rather...umm...cautious, maybe is the word I'm looking for. He hasnt' yet told me his last name, and has taken it really slow, in talking anything about dating (ie, what he likes in a girl, what he's looking for, etc.) He did ask for my phone number, which after a few days of debate, I gave to him last night. He did say that he wouldn't be talking to me online if he had no intentions of talking to me or meeting me, that he wasn't into it as just a game. So, we'll see.
Chris2 isn't the physical type I usually like, he's my height, and a bit stocky, and has more manly features with a beard, kind of...rugged, I guess. He also has a great personality, and he's very open in admitting that he's looking for a relationship, and what he wants in a girl, etc. We just talked on the phone for the first time, for 2 hours, and he passed the phone test well. We have a lot in common, and seemed to talk with ease.
But here's my issue.
It seems that I feel like I'm backing off on Chris2 BECAUSE he's straightforward about wanting a relationship. Even though that's what I want, I think I subconsciously want to like them more than they like me, and I want to have to pursue them. And I want someone that I think is really hot. So, Chris1 is playing a little hard to get, and he's my normal physical type, so I'm leaning more to him. Chris2 is scaring me into wanting to run, b/c I'm afraid to get into a relationship where the guy likes me more than I like him. At least I think that's what I'm seeing myself feel.
What's wrong with me? If what I want more than anything in the world is a relationship where someone worships me, then why am I backing away from someone who seems like he could do that if we got together? Why do I only want the guys who don't want me? Is it really a physical issue, that I think that tall thin Chris is "better" than short stocky Chris? Am I that superficial?
Give me some insight here...

There is a problem with Internet dating, we aren't given the opportunity to be cautious. We have to put all our likes and dislikes out like a Chinese menu, order up a relationship, marriage, children right fron the start.
We aren't given the opportunity to decide whether we want a relationship with Chris2, we are starting to talk about it on the first email. Chris2 thinks he is negotiating for a girlfriend whereas you think you are just trying to find out who he is. I'd give Chris2 a benefit of the doubt because he is playing by the online rules, he just doesn't understand that in this situation with you it is making you uncomfortable.
If you ever meet Chris2 in person tell him that it is nice that he has told you all the things you need to know but now it is time to merely get to know one another and to hold-off on any talk about the future temporarily.
I haven't read the other responses yet.
You haven't met EITHER guys yet in person nor dated them a handful of times therefore you have no IDEA if you'll even have real life chemistry or if they'll even want to date you or you date them once you meet. ;-)
Now, with that said, if you do meet them both you may find Chris 1 to be a challenge or maybe not - until you meet them and go out a few times you have no idea.
If you feel that deep down you like the challenge well that's just human nature in my opinion but trust me if you were to date both guys, listen to your single friends complaints and grunts, that "nice guy" will become more and more attractive over time in my opinion.
When choosing a mate be very careful. My hairdresser is seperated and on her way to divorcville - she has two kids and a mortgage - her husband was/is hot (not saying all hot guys are this way because they are not) -- he's cheated on her with one of HER friends and he's turned into an abusive man and raging alcoholic. She's now 10 years older with two kids by herself, this could be you, got it?
Pay attention to "the litte things" ..i.e. will he be there to hold my hand if I'm sick or will he "run" if I have kids and one of them needs special needs or care....think BIG PICTURE not superficial picture and THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...will he trade you up for a younger woman when you start to AGE because YOU WILL........ look deep, the man's character is of the upmost importance, trust me on this.
Off my soap box now...ha.
That's my advice for helping you get through this if and when they both in real life decide to date you. More importantly, please date them both, don't put all eggs in one basket as in you have no idea what they are capable of until you take your TIME dating them.
SP
I also think you should meet them in person before making any conclusions, though in my experience if I didn't find the guy attractive in the photos, I wasn't attracted to him in person. The ones you're not attracted to who come on strong just make things uncomfortable and awkward. If the email correspondences with Chris2 alone make you uncomfortable and fairly certain that you wouldn't be interested, then, spare both of yourselves and don't meet him. But if you can maintain an open mind about the possibility of being interested/attracted, then by all means.
Online dating is quite a time investment. We spend so many hours making our profiles, searching, responding, setting dates. By the time you actually get around to setting up a meeting, you'd like to know there's at least the possibility that the date could turn into a love match. So when I find myself feeling fairly certain that I'll have no romantic interest in someone, I'll let him know or just politely decline a meeting. That way the guy can move on and focus in on someone more promising.
The ones that scare me the most though are the Chris1's out there. I've had a few of those. I was already convinced I was into them and when I met them in person, what a disappointment. Either no chemistry in person or he didn't quite look the way he did in the pictures. The one time that I did have an instant chemistry, well, some of you know what happened there. I got carried away and embarked on an ill-fated tryst that crashed and burned after a month.
Because of these experiences, I decided to stop OLD for a while. I've actually met someone through a friend, but it hasn't gone anywhere yet. It's nice though to meet someone a friend already knows and approves of. He's not classically handsome like my OLD tryst was, but he's got a great personality and made me laugh more than I have in a long time. It's also nice to be able to focus on getting to know someone and not be distracted by wanting to hit the sheets. In OLD, I always felt that that expectation/discussion would be brought out too early. But to those of you who are braver than I am, I wish you all the success in the world!
SBC