Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Why get married?
22
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 6:20pm

iteach brought this up in another thread. It seems like it could generate some interesting discussions so I though it deserved its own thread.


If you are online to potentially meet a marriage partner, why is it you want to get married?


What are the pros and cons of getting married or staying single but in a long term relationship?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 8:24am

I've never been married but in long term live-in situations. I really enjoyed it for the most part. It brought out the best in me.

I am at an interesting stage in my life. When I was younger, pairing up was about planning a family, getting a career off the ground, saving for the future. Now it's different - my family is grown up, my career made, I am pretty well grown up too. So I would get married just for the fun of it.

There aren't any real "cons", only changes I would have to make. I really enjoy my alone time and it would be strange to have someone there 24/7. But I'm a lot smarter than I used to be in getting what I need out of life, so I would find a way to get my time alone.

And it would be an adjustment to thinking in twos instead of just for myself. But that's also doable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:46am
Sounds like we're in the same place, barbrocks. I love having my own place and doing what I want, when I want. Of course that pretty much means working all the time, but there's the promise that I'll be dating soon, anyway! I keep telling people that I don't want to get married again because marriage kills everything. Romance, passion, etc. I've met people that that hasn't happened to, but for every one passionately happy married person I meet ten who spend every night doing the exact same thing in the exact same order...they're the walking dead. Most of the non-married older people I know are MUCH happier. Especially the women.
Avatar for barbrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:55am

"...they're the walking dead." LOL... yep, that's what I see too much of. What I lived while married. What I refuse to become, again.

I work in geriatrics. The data at present shows that married men live longer than single men. And, single women live longer than married women. Obviously, marriage is not healthy for most women. (no male-bashing here! just giving the facts!)

Barb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:54am

Didn't that same research show that married men are happier than single mena and single woman are happier than married woman. I think there is something that happens in women after thirty and realize there is more to life than taking care of other people...therefore, I think that is why a lot of divorces happen. A woman worries about everyone else and then wakes up one day and says "hey, what about me!"

Small Peanut-I do believe in all of your pros and reasons to be married. I already have a wonderful little girl and don't think I want anymore. Of couse, until that darling baby passes by on the street or you see that really cute baby outfit. Then all I have to do is go home and find the empty cut up frosting tube still in the cabinet (did I mention it was empty)and realize I don't want anymore.

I guess at my age (36), the only real reason to get married would be to have more children. You can have all the other stuff and not be married.

Within the last couple of weeks I went out with a couple of men that had 3 children each. I worry that I would be there to take care of everything. I don't mind one, perhaps two...but three is a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 11:04am

JH....


PIANOGUY LOVES THIS QUESTION!


When I became a member of ivillage (almost 4 years ago), I was beginning to wonder if the fall-out and sudden exspiration of a 15 month marriage was MY FAULT, THE WIFE'S FAULT or A COMBINATION.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 11:44am

Hi Barb-


I really liked your post and I agree with it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:05pm

Lilah you said, "...I keep telling people that I don't want to get married again because marriage kills everything. Romance, passion, etc...." I agree that in marriage you do get into patterns and it may seem like the romance and passion are not the same, but I feel that happens in any relationship actually. It's not that these things are gone, they just change some over time, which is totally normal as you move out of the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

Sure it would be great if we stayed in that state of happiness where every new little thing thrills us, and some people end good relationships just because they have moved past that state, so they constantly search for that new "high" to fill them, but it is realistic to figure that that stage will not last forever.

I was in a 25 year marriage and I loved being married. I liked having a person there to share things with, to talk to, to make love with on a regular basis, and many other things. But at this point in my life my children are raised and I definitely don't want to have any more, so there is no reason for marriage for that reason.

If I were to get married again, I would be more picky about who I did this with and it would be more for fun and companionship. But I can also see myself in a LTR with a great guy without being married. So many things can be done either way.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:08pm

>>If you have ever been involved in a loving marriage before (regardless of how short or long) then you would never pose the question.<<

AMEN, BROTHER!

I wasn't married-married, but I was in a relationship with a fantastic woman for several years. We bought a house and planned kids and all that stuff, and John hits the nail so squarely on the head.

If you've ever been there, you don't need to ask "why" at all.

But what the heck, I'll take a whack at it.

I want to get married to have someone to hug when I come home. Or to have someone to hug me when *I* come home.

I want to get married because it drives me to be a better man. I want to have someone that challenges me, that makes me think about what I'm doing and why, about how I can grow and change and improve myself. I want someone who wants those things for themselves, too.

I want someone to share this infinite amount of love I have in my heart with.

I think it'd be great to have someone who has little annoying habits, and instead of thinking "I'd like her more if she didn't cut her toenails in the living room" the little thing would just be so totally a part of this woman who I loved so deeply that I couldn't imagine her NOT doing that, and just plain loving HER. Warts and all.

Those are just a few reasons, but John's right on- I think we all hunger for that incredible connection with someone, and once we've got it we know it and we definitely want to have it in our lives again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:10pm

>> I don't expect him to pick my panties up off the floor, after all!<<

Well, I'm one guy who is DELIGHTED to pick my sweetie's panties up off of the floor.

Just as long as I'm the one who tossed them there in the first place. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:14pm
But what if you have all those things, just without the paper? It all sounds wonderful, but do you need to be married for it all?