Why jump so fast?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Why jump so fast?
27
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 3:22pm
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Edited 2/1/2006 3:37 pm ET by kae_n_me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 3:42pm

I simply can't respond to every post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:09pm

I agree Stacey. I don't reply to every post either - good or bad. But for me, how many times can you say "Oh great! Congratulations" (but you'll notice that all the regular posters DID respond to Jodie's announcement and truly wish her well). But I personally come out here for advice or comments from other people on PROBLEMS or issues I see. Everyone has experience that others don't have - negative or positive. If all this board was was a place to come and say, "I met this totally great guy on Match and we're in love and living happily ever after!!" And all everyone replied was "Oh, heart, heart heart, hug, hug, hug", I would not come to this board because it would be boring.

We need feedback and experience from each other, good or bad. If someone from the outside looking in can see red flags for me, I appreciate them telling me. I don't have to take their advice or even agree with it, but I appreciate it. And 9 times out of 10, they turn out to be right.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:15pm
>


Edited 2/1/2006 3:38 pm ET by kae_n_me
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:24pm

I know what you are saying. There are more posts about problems overall with dating than there are ones that work out. Objectivity is hard for people sometimes when they don't know you and truly do not know the situation you're in. That's why you'll find those posters who will shoot down your guy (regardless of the situation) and then retaliate when you don't totally agree with them or think "their" situation has been worse, etc.

On the other side of the coin, they/we are trying to envision how we might react to that same situation if it were us; all with just reading a paragraph or two about someone's dilemma. While it is always easy for someone else to tell you to get rid of someone, it is never very easy to do that when it's someone you care about and it's "you" in the situation. Believe me, I know first-hand about that one. There is also a very fine line between knowing how much slack to cut someone and when to just back away from a situation that you cannot change.

I personally have always had radar out for men who have ex-wives or ex-girlfriends from hell. Maybe I've heard too many other stories, but I know I'm not emotionally able to handle that kind of chaos in a relationship. If you really care about the guy and believe this won't happen again, I would wait and see what happens in the weeks to come. If you see continual problems with the ex, you might get tired of it all as it hinders your dating life with him. It's sad that things like that happen, especially when kids are involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:25pm

I think she means that it would be boring if this were just a cheerleading forum.

Problem is, some people do think that's all it should be, and that disagreement of any kind, or giving a blunt opinion are horrible things.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:27pm

Whatever. IN MY OPINION it would be boring. I can read success stories about people I don't know on Match or Yahoo. This is an advice message board. I am happy when people find success - it gives me some small shred of hope that this could work.

As for this, it will be my last post on this issue and to you ever. I told you good luck and said that it's admirable you're willing to stand by him. That's about as positive as I can get on this one. I can understand wanting to hear positive feedback, but if someone sees a red flag and chooses to warn you, they are doing what they think is in your best interest. Sorry if you don't like it. You can ignore me or anyone else you wish. I don't like you accusing me of only being negative, so I will choose to not respond from now on. I should have not even done it in the first place - I knew better.

Best of luck to you. I hope it works out as you would like it to.

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:49pm

>>Is it b/c we are bitter or still hung up on our pasts?


Most of us, probably not. But everyone knows, you can't always see a situation as clearly when you're IN it. Isn't that why people ask for advice?- because you're not sure what to do so you're looking for an outside opinion!


When asking for other people's advice/opinions, you don't get to be picky about what kind of feedback you receive. Most of us who respond to someone's problem, do so because we've been in a similar situation at some point or seen someone close to us in the situation. And when you see something that looks like a red flag, aren't you going to point it out to the person who might not see it clearly? What you call rude, some people are just being blunt because they feel it's too obvious to bother elaborating on.


(edited to be a little less blunt)




Edited 1/31/2006 4:52 pm ET by phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:01pm
Thank you so much for your feedback. That is what I think this board needs more of!!
People can learn from you, Misty! You put that so well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:10pm

>Whatever. IN MY OPINION it would be boring. I can read success stories about people I don't know on Match or Yahoo. <

Thanks for your feedback. It's unfortunate that you think this board can't have both the uplifting and the problem posts. I'm sorry that you feel that way.

You might have wished me good luck and told me you thought it was admirable but in the same post you belittled me and my actions. So that pretty much cancels out in positivity in your post.

But thanks anyway! Good Luck to you too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 5:17pm

No I totally agree with you-

"When asking for other people's advice/opinions, you don't get to be picky about what kind of feedback you receive. Most of us who respond to someone's problem, do so because we've been in a similar situation at some point or seen someone close to us in the situation. And when you see something that looks like a red flag, aren't you going to point it out "

But no one who posted negative feedback approached it in that sense. They did n't say "hey Ive been there done that" it was more like "i would NEVER tolerate that and you're stupid for believing him"... I mean come on... of course if you see a red flag point it out, but also be aware that the "full" story is not always on the page and the poster tries to write as much as they can... but this guy is good guy. He took care of me when I was sick, he brought me my medicine, he offered to come and clean and do laundry b/c I was so sick and my son was sick too. So he made a mistake...we all do.

I guess I am just more understanding and forgiving than others, I don't think that makes me any kind of doormat. I have made my mistakes too and thank God I had someone there willing to give me a second chance as well.

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