Why is there always a "but"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Why is there always a "but"...
9
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 4:56pm
I have a dilemma, it seems that now I am dating guy#2 which is slowly becoming #1, my #1 has been recycled for good, I can't stand someone who is not good with their own finances. My thing right now is that I am seeing this guy once a week, he's been steady in his interest level, calling, emailing, pursuing me, he seems into me, I like him too, we have a good time, but there is a "but". He's a single parent, like me, and it seems like he's kind of cheap, he asked me out today hinting playfully that this time "I am treating him" since he treated me last week, I told him that I am not used to paying, all the guys that I've dated in the past have always been very generous, so he went like telling me how he just spent a thousand in child support, two thousand on his house, and that is why he sometimes choses not to go out because he can't spend much. I am like thinking hello, then why are you dating, right? but I did not say anything, I just told him that I like going out on real dates and not only hooking up, and maybe have a small dinner. We are still getting to know each other eventhough I may need to add that we have been intimate two times, so he's asking me to go to his house and not to always go out and spend money. But I am used to going out and have nice dinners, or doing other activities which in place require money, how can I cope with this, and not feel dissapointed that I found a nice, clean, decent guy, but he's not generous at all??!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 5:16pm

If you like spending time with him then you like spending time with him no matter what you are doing... but you are right, just going over to his place to "hook up" isn't really a date, either.

I think what you should do is suggest/do things that are fun and let you get out and spend time together, but are cheap. Have a picnic in the park or something like that, go for a walk around the city, feed yourself instead of paying a restaurant to feed you.

And some people are old-fashioned and always think that a guy should spend the money on the gal but it's not always like that anymore. If you and him just don't agree on it then you are probably in trouble in the long run because financial disagreements are hard to get past.

If he is into you then he will find a way to make the dates happen whether they cost very much or not. It will be a good way for you to see how into you he is and also a good way for you to see how into him you are, or how dedicated you are to some of your ideas about who should spend money on who.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 8:57pm
IMO - I could not date the guy. maybe I have high standards, but i live my life the way I do because this is the lifestyle I enjoy., I like to go out to dinners, nice ones, spas,travel. But I also enjoy staying in and cooking, renting a dvd , going on a picnnic which no those things don't cost a lot of money. I do al ot of these things for myself, if I am dating someone or NOT dating someone. This is the way I treat myself so I expect the man to treat me the same if not better.. I am not willing to change my lifestyle becasue Ultimately I know I would not be happy... I think if you can find a happy medium and really like this guy than it can work out.. But if he is simply a guy that doesn't like to go out to nice dinners and do some of the things you like then personally for me it just wouldn't work out because eventually we just wouldn't see eye to eye on the way we like to spend our money . some people are just as happy sitting home every night rather than going out . I think a balance is key and maybe you can find out if you are both able to meet in the middle or if this is just him and he prefers a simpler way of life or he just cannot afford the same lifestyle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:14am

that guy needs to find another single parent who gets his situation. You "hooked up" with him and he provided dinner at a nice place and its a "date". But you did hook up because he is a decent guy too. Now the missing thing is the nice dinner so its a deal breaker to spending time with him? I don't think it was exactly done with any finesse for him to come right out and suggest you treat next time but perhaps he couldnt figure out a more appropriate way to let you know he is not set up to be the sole support of entertainment together. That is ok to realize the early on and move on if you don't want it to be this way...and he should too. It does suck when you find someone with criteria that matches in so many ways but one that is a deal breaker aint it tho? Sympathy for that. No matter what the criteria is. He is a parent with financial responsibilities...i am sure he is trying to have a fullfilling life and not get himself in a huge hole, gotta give him credit for trying to find companionship and being upfront tho.

FWIW...Ive never always let the guy pay, ive taken turns without having to be asked, insisted on it sometimes just to even things out and get that on an equal basis when i could...because we are two people...so consider the source of this post. I am 40 but come from a historical view that the reason men always used to be considered to pay is that there was a time in history and not too terribly recent..like up until 35 years go...that one reason men paid because of practicality... because women didn't work and have the money....they weren't allowed to work or worked for very little in jobs. Even today I can't afford a cruise but I can certainly reciprocate drinks, movie, the popcorn or sometimes the whole dinner. The world is different. Thats my take on it. Not saying everyone should be that way. But I can be empathetic and compromise for what i really seek out of being around someone, having them in my life. Your situation is what you seek...to have nice times out...perhaps his is different or unchangeable. Perhaps he is not the right one for you or you him.
Good luck on getting what you desire, its good you realize this this early on.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:12pm

Thank you all for your advice, I guess I will continue to know him and suggest other ways to spend our time together without "that" much money. I just don't want to think that he is stingy with his money, since all we've done is to have drinks and appetizers in all the time we've gone out. One time I suggested Mimi's next door so we could have dinner, and that is when he said that he doesn't have that much money to spend. What I mean is that we haven't had one nice dinner date since we've met, so I was being considerate and understanding as to take it lightly, but it striked me when he teased me about treating him the next time. I don't consider myself a material girl, it's just the way the things have unfolded. I am taking things slowly and casual at this point, so don't want to stress it yet.

This made me think back when I was dating this guy who was very generous and b/c he was always paying, I offered several times to pay due to his kindness, but he never allowed me, he said as long as I go out with him, he would take care of everything, I always remembered that gesture! But he had a big "but" too, very goodlooking and a player, could not stay with one woman! He did not want a commitment, just friends with benefits, bummer!

So I never win, either they are normal, not womanizers, but cheap, or generous, rich and players! lol...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:31pm

You're telling me that he isn't good enough for you because he has responsibilities that limit his funds? He has child support and rent and all that he needs to get by each day and you can't pay on occasion? Then at the end of your post you complain about not finding someone like you want. No one wants someone who can't "treat" on occasion. Maybe you need to place your ad on a site that looks strictly for rich men or maybe you can take the course that woman teaches on how to marry a rich man.

He deserves someone who is open to his responsibilites and respects them. You aren't that person and you should move on for his sake.

One other way of looking at the situation is he isn't selfish enough to put you first and spend his money on you and forego the child support and such. This man has grace and dignity and if he isn't good enough in spite of it for you I don't know who would be.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:57pm

Thank you for your opinion, but I disagree, I think is part of chivarly that he treats me and as I said on my post, I am not materialistic so I am not looking for a rich guy, but I just don't want to think he's stingy, as it is I am a responsible parent too and I don't live life lavishly, I have my financial restrains, but I am not stingy whatsoever, I still treat myself to nice dinners and take my friends and kids out when I can. So my point is that if he's dating, I think he should have at least the means to go out and treat his dates, otherwise don't date at all. But this is my deal, I just wanted to share with the girls of our OLD dilemmas and little hurdles that we face sometimes, like they may be some things that bother you about your date, or you are not to fond of, and I may find them totally appealing, so that's the way it works.

We're here to state our thoughts and opinions, just to clarify.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:58pm

I can see wanting to be taking out to dinner ONCE, if not occasionally.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:02pm

I agree that we are all allowed our opinions and I was just stating mine. You used the word chivalry. The definition of chivraly has nothing to do with buying dinner or who pays for it. I respect that you're an old fashioned gal and desire that type of relationship; however, chivalry is a medievel concept and not frequented by many men.

I read the next response you got and it reminded me that in order for him to date and still juggle his finances responsibly he trys to find other ways to spend time with you. As the next responder indicated she doesn't have much money left over after taking care of her business so are we not suppose to date because of that? We meet a great girl like in your case so he isn't expected, in your own words, to date? That doesn't seem right. In my opinion.

I still stick with the opinion that he should be commended for being responsible with his money (not necessarily stingy) and we should all hope to meet someone like him.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:32pm
ITA with you. In today's economy, and the ever increasing number of divorces etc. I think you'll be hard pressed to find