Women accepting Men's Indiscretions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Women accepting Men's Indiscretions
37
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 11:58am

The events of the last week have me pondering what women will and will not tolerate in a man . . . and if their tolerance of certain things makes them "insecure/desperate" or rather "realistic".

I had posted months ago about a travelling salesman that I'd had a "one night stand" with whne he was in town. Well he returns when he's in town and stays with me. We don't stay in constant contact in the month or two between visits other than an occasoinal hello on msn/text or whatever.

I am under no illusions of he and I developing a relationship. If I wanted a relationship, I don't think it'd be withhim. I'm too busy with work and school, and want a "friends with benefits" or occasional "booty call" however it HAS to be with ONE guy and not a different one every month. I won't waiver with that as my numbers are extremely low for a woman my age and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

Anyway My Question and PLEASE no flaming for this because as I said above I am under NO ILLUSIONS and have no doubt he's got a woman in every town as well as a girlfriend at home.

Last week he stayed five days (very unusual it's usually only one night) . . . it was rough for me as I am not used to the "what time are you coming home" phone calls or the pouty reaction when I'm later than I said or when I Tell him I'd be home later than he'd like (sorry babe but I see you once every month or two and am NOT alterering my life when you are here).

During those nights when I was sleeping I heard him make a couple phone calls. Hard to decipher from the bed room but the tone of voice was clearly a "girlfriend". I have to giggle at his stupidity because he'd called her from my house (using a calling card) . . the last night he was there my phone rang and I mentioned the name and he looked like deer in the headlights and didn't hit "talk" in time meaning the caller went to MY voicemail. That night I heard him call her and grovelling was at play big time. I could make out a few phrases like "I dont' go to the bar and pick different women up every time" "online personals" (how we met) "he's not going to change" "he's on the road alot" basically defending himself with no apology but at the same time he convinced her from the sounds of it . . . he confirmed she'd be at his house when he got home . . . towards the end said "you're such a sweetheart" . . . that was about all I got out of the hour and a half.

No I'm not a snoop I just don't sleep well at night and usually pace the house every couple hours through the night . . . but since he was on the phone I didn't want to come out and interrupt so I stayed there.

I did get up towards the end of the call and came out to ask for one of his sleeping pills. DIdn't let on I'd heard or anything.

I'm sorry to all women who will have issue with this but I quite frankly don't care that he see's other women or has a "relatoinship". That's not my problem it's hers. I'd always expected that at the very least he "scored" alot whether there was a permanent girl or not. And I'm sorry to defend him but I didn't hear him make any attempt to Lie to her or deny it. A few weeks ago his msn had a quote "I don't have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would be very upset if she heard me say that" . . . so I suspected that he had someone in love with him but he'd not yet made any formal committement.

So in my mind, he's not entirely in the wrong with her if they haven't vocalized exlusivity.

But the real question here and sorry for such a lenghty saga to get here but the history seems to make the questoin . . . Does it make this girl weak or realistic to be accepting this ? He seemed to convince her to see him again so I'm thinking she's very taken with him and perhaps thinks she can change the behaviour . . or she is accepting the reality that he provided her that when he's on the road he's a free agent.

I don't know if I could accept it from a man I was in love with . . . In fact I Don't think I could . . . .I couldn't handle a man that I love being sexual with someone else . . . and with this guy - he spent five days at my home . . . cooking dinner, wining dining and talking etc just like any "boyfriend" . . . that would probably bother me MORE than the idea that he was having sex with someone.

I guess there are alot of women in this world who accept cheating men. I just never can decide if it is because they are too insecure and weak to fight it . . . or if they accept it as just being part of the man they love and the circumstances.

Blah blah blah I really don't think I've made any sense in this post so I'm going to stop typing . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:01pm

Well I think my original instinct that she wanted and was asking more from him came from the tone of his voice during that phone call and the length of it. They were on the phone almost two hours. I only understood the few phrased I mentioned in my first post . . . but it was evident if that makes sense?? A woman who is only casual or friends with benefits would not, IMO, trigger that tone of voice from a man or length of a phone call.

I could be wrong in that . . . but I don't believe I ever indicated in my posts that I looked down or judged her for accepting that from a man she was "casual" with . . . I was asking how she could put up with it based on my belief that she wants and hopes for more from him... in which case that is VERY different than the place I am at... and I find it difficult to imagine a woman accepting that from a man she may be in love with . . . hoping for a long term relationship with . . . possibly leading to marraige/kids.

Hard to imagine but then again my comments in a previous post where I say I believe some men are simply going to cheat until the day they die comes into consideration in that there are some women who DO accept the grim reality and because of their love for the guy they do in fact accept it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:03pm

Amen, sister.

Men and women behave badly because their partner allows it. If all men and women had "stones" and would not settle for less than they deserve, there would not be all this nonsense.

That woman is "high" if she thinks she is going to change his behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:12pm

playing devils advocate....I know I am opening a can of worms here:


I see where NWW is coming from -


Friends with benefits or not, wouldn't you rather have a FWB who doesn't cheat and his honest with everyone he dates (saying I am dating this girl and this girl, I don't want a commitment, he doesn't seem to be doing that with the secret calls), god help you if you come down with an STD, I mean, you totally trust him so why would he lie (trying to make a point, excuse the sarcasm) and yes you get STDs from oral, kissing condoms are not the end all! Be careful, he's a snake and has prooven himself to be, make sure you hide your wallet and credit cards!


I'm confused, I thought this guy was elluding to the fact that he was her BF and this added drama of her calling you, I say forget it, so not worth it for sex is it?

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:15pm

Sheri perhaps I wasn't very clear . . .

. . . but the look of "Deer in headlights" when I asked if that name on my phone was someoen for him . . . and then the phone call later on made it somewhat evident to me that he was digging himself out of a hole there.

Now - - - I could have been wrong, I could have misinterpreted . . . I'm not saying I'm 100% correct but I am saying my instincts told me that she was under different assumptoins about their "relationship" or whatever it is they have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:20pm

"If a guy writes on a public profile that he does NOT have a girlfriend--then that's a pretty darn clear indication that he hasn't made any such commitment, whether or not she's upset by that fact."

Sheri - - - I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and perhaps I'm misunderstanding the above comment you made . . . but . . .

What color is the sky in your world ??

You can't seriously think that there's no men online claiming to be single yet they have girlfriends or worse yet - Wives ??????????????? Come on let's check into the reality hotel for a night or two . . .

It's likely that 50% of the men online are in relationships. I've seen numerous posts where guys behaviour indicates marraige etc and a girl should forget about him.

Again - sorry if I misunderstood you but that comment, if it how you intended it to sound, is absurd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:51pm
Sheri- I didnt get that idea at all from your post. It was from the original posters post, saying what she did here. I was assuming that this poster was saying it was obvious from what she heard, that this girl on the phone was not happy with his being w/ someone else, therefore the assumption woudl be that at least SHE thought they were exclusive. Or at least sick of his philandering.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 5:49pm

I guess the difference is the OP doesn't want more and this other woman apparently does.

An analogy:

A person may take a job that s/he regards as "dead end" low-demand because s/he doesn't intend to stay in it or because s/he thinks it is only temporary while waiting for another, better job. That would seem to be the situation of the OP. She is sleeping with this guy for the sex and occasional companionship and actually seems to prefer that this is a "dead end" relationship because she wants her independence.

Another person may take on a job that s/he fears is "dead end" but which she hopes will become something more because for some reason s/he wants that particular job/occupation. This person may put up with low salary and/or inadequate benefits and/or just the knowledge that it is not going anywhere because she prefers to have the job under these circumstances than not to have the job at all. This would seem to be the situation of the Other Woman. The OP overheard a conversation where the Other Woman seemed to be jealous and need to be reassured.

I don't wonder when people take unexciting, low-prestige/low-paying jobs when they are doing it only because they want a no-hassle job for the paycheck.

I do wonder why some people take unexciting, low-prestige/low-paying jobs when they could do better and/or they are clearly unhappy in such jobs.

And, of course, I always wonder why people complain and whine because their jobs are low-prestige and unexciting when, after all, they usually chose that job over something else.

So I can see why the OP can wonder why someone else, who is obviously not interested in a "once in a while" relationship, puts up with such a relationship. The OP seems to be getting what she wants. The Other Woman apparently is "settling" for what she can get.

Just my reading of it, of course.

Elsa

PS Edited to add that I know some people are in jobs that don't pay, etc. because they can't find other jobs. The question is whether a bad boyfriend is better than none just as a bad job is better than none.




Edited 2/10/2007 6:02 pm ET by elarisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 5:55pm

I would suggest that the only thing you might owe this other woman (before you change your phone number) is a return call to explain all this to her. ;) But that might be doing your visiting salesman too big a favor.

Seriously, I wonder if your traveling salesman didn't phone her from your place on purpose, in order to let her know without telling her baldly that he was not being faithful. I would guess it is a good way for him to get her to break things up or else accept what he wants her to accept.

He doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. But that's your business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 6:22pm

Yes perhaps he set it up that way.

I agree he is not a nice guy - in terms of the other girl. He has yet to be blatantly unkind to me but if that does happen I'll have no problem not taking his calls if/when he wants to see me again.

Your job analogy makes plenty of sense.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 6:29pm

No, no...I thought you said he had that statement on his MSN profile (which I'm assuming is similar to a Yahoo IM Profile), which presumably she has access to and sees. THAT's what I mean--she is on notice that he doesn't consider her to be a GF. If I misunderstood that part of your original post, then nevermind ;-).

Sheri




Edited 2/10/2007 6:47 pm ET by northwestwanderer