Women accepting Men's Indiscretions
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| Sat, 02-10-2007 - 11:58am |
The events of the last week have me pondering what women will and will not tolerate in a man . . . and if their tolerance of certain things makes them "insecure/desperate" or rather "realistic".
I had posted months ago about a travelling salesman that I'd had a "one night stand" with whne he was in town. Well he returns when he's in town and stays with me. We don't stay in constant contact in the month or two between visits other than an occasoinal hello on msn/text or whatever.
I am under no illusions of he and I developing a relationship. If I wanted a relationship, I don't think it'd be withhim. I'm too busy with work and school, and want a "friends with benefits" or occasional "booty call" however it HAS to be with ONE guy and not a different one every month. I won't waiver with that as my numbers are extremely low for a woman my age and I have every intention of keeping it that way.
Anyway My Question and PLEASE no flaming for this because as I said above I am under NO ILLUSIONS and have no doubt he's got a woman in every town as well as a girlfriend at home.
Last week he stayed five days (very unusual it's usually only one night) . . . it was rough for me as I am not used to the "what time are you coming home" phone calls or the pouty reaction when I'm later than I said or when I Tell him I'd be home later than he'd like (sorry babe but I see you once every month or two and am NOT alterering my life when you are here).
During those nights when I was sleeping I heard him make a couple phone calls. Hard to decipher from the bed room but the tone of voice was clearly a "girlfriend". I have to giggle at his stupidity because he'd called her from my house (using a calling card) . . the last night he was there my phone rang and I mentioned the name and he looked like deer in the headlights and didn't hit "talk" in time meaning the caller went to MY voicemail. That night I heard him call her and grovelling was at play big time. I could make out a few phrases like "I dont' go to the bar and pick different women up every time" "online personals" (how we met) "he's not going to change" "he's on the road alot" basically defending himself with no apology but at the same time he convinced her from the sounds of it . . . he confirmed she'd be at his house when he got home . . . towards the end said "you're such a sweetheart" . . . that was about all I got out of the hour and a half.
No I'm not a snoop I just don't sleep well at night and usually pace the house every couple hours through the night . . . but since he was on the phone I didn't want to come out and interrupt so I stayed there.
I did get up towards the end of the call and came out to ask for one of his sleeping pills. DIdn't let on I'd heard or anything.
I'm sorry to all women who will have issue with this but I quite frankly don't care that he see's other women or has a "relatoinship". That's not my problem it's hers. I'd always expected that at the very least he "scored" alot whether there was a permanent girl or not. And I'm sorry to defend him but I didn't hear him make any attempt to Lie to her or deny it. A few weeks ago his msn had a quote "I don't have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would be very upset if she heard me say that" . . . so I suspected that he had someone in love with him but he'd not yet made any formal committement.
So in my mind, he's not entirely in the wrong with her if they haven't vocalized exlusivity.
But the real question here and sorry for such a lenghty saga to get here but the history seems to make the questoin . . . Does it make this girl weak or realistic to be accepting this ? He seemed to convince her to see him again so I'm thinking she's very taken with him and perhaps thinks she can change the behaviour . . or she is accepting the reality that he provided her that when he's on the road he's a free agent.
I don't know if I could accept it from a man I was in love with . . . In fact I Don't think I could . . . .I couldn't handle a man that I love being sexual with someone else . . . and with this guy - he spent five days at my home . . . cooking dinner, wining dining and talking etc just like any "boyfriend" . . . that would probably bother me MORE than the idea that he was having sex with someone.
I guess there are alot of women in this world who accept cheating men. I just never can decide if it is because they are too insecure and weak to fight it . . . or if they accept it as just being part of the man they love and the circumstances.
Blah blah blah I really don't think I've made any sense in this post so I'm going to stop typing . . .

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Yeah, so? If someone wants to settle for a dead-end job or a BF who won't be monogamous, that's THEIR business, is my point.
Why are the OP's reasons for being with a man who isn't monogamous any more valid than hers? I definitely don't agree with the decision to be in a non-monogamous relationship, but I'm not the one in the relationship. I don't think anyone other than the person in the relationship should be the judge of one's reasons for choosing to be in it (well, so long as nothing illegal, immoral or unethical is going on).
Now, we know from later posts that the so-called GF isn't happy with it...and if that's the case, then it's silly for her to stay, because it's obvious this guy isn't going to be monogamous. So my point is moot now, but IMO that wasn't clear from the original post. The so-called "GF" may have decided to be with the hot guy even though she knew he wasn't monogamous for her own reasons, which may be different from the OP's but why does that make them any less valid?
Sheri
Edited 2/10/2007 6:51 pm ET by northwestwanderer
Well, as I posted to Elsa, it's a moot point now because obviously she does have an expectation that he's going to be exclusive which is obviously foolish on her part. But if she were accepting his non-monogamy, that's HER business. I just don't see why you feel it's your (or anyone else's) place to judge her as "weak" because she's making a choice you wouldn't make or that you disagree with. A person who accept that may have reasons which she feels are valid for her, in the same way you have reasons that you feel are valid for you.
Sheri
RE: <>
I agree. But the way I understood the OP, the question was "Why do some women who seem to want monogamous relationships accept relationships with guys who are blatantly not faithful?"
You are right that one woman's reasons for accepting infidelity are as valid as another's. Similarly, one person's reasons for settling into a dead-end job are as valid as another's. I don't pass judgment on the choices. I just marvel when people make a choice and cling to a choice that seems to cause them more grief that is reasonable.
Now, a woman who stays with an unfaithful husband for fear that if he leaves she cannot support the children alone, or a person who sticks with a dead-end job because it is a job, has nothing but my sympathy. But when a person settles for something that makes them unhappy without having an obvious reason, then I kind of raise my hands to the sky and roll my eyes!
:)
Elsa
(Edited to clarify a point.)
Edited 2/10/2007 8:27 pm ET by elarisa
From my original post:
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"Does it make this girl weak or realistic to be accepting this ? "
"I guess there are alot of women in this world who accept cheating men. I just never can decide if it is because they are too insecure and weak to fight it . . . or if they accept it as just being part of the man they love and the circumstances."
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I don't really feel I was judging her for being weak. I note the two above lines from my OP in which I am posing the question - "is she weak/insecure or is she realistic?"
One quality is negative the other, well somehow strong even if I do feel that I would be unable to accept it in a man I want a future with (Not to be confused with my intentions with the salesman).
LOL Mind you as I said in my first post . . . I didn't think I was making any sense cause I was rambling so badly . . . I typed way too much detail and my true Q may have become very convoluted.
But there are women out there who turn a blind eye to obvious cheating. And I am torn with the idea that some do so because they are weak, and others do so for different reasons.
I feel that spouses who turn a blind eye to the other spouse abusing a child are incredibally weak - but it happens. Weak because they are turning a blind eye to the pain of someone other than them. But when the person turning the blind eye is the only one who is ultimately being hurt . . . I'm not so sure they are always doing so out of weakness.
Sorry - again , I feel I am rambling and not making any sense :-)
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I think the whole point of these message boards is to share opinions, thoughts, experiences, and perspectives. Of course there is "judgement" in these activities in that if my perspective/opinion differs from another persons, then someone could argue that I am passing judgement on that other person . . . if that makes any sense. I'm sure we have all said things on here that in some way or another could be construed as judgement.
Daniella, this is an interesting discussion, but I think it just comes down to different strokes for different folks. Years ago I found out that the man I was living with (and talking marriage with) was about 8 states away with some girl he'd met in high school. It helped me to figure out all the other "odd" disappearances on his part during our past two years. He was a cheater, big time, but it took me awhile to finally figure it out. So I called there and woke them up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday. I shocked the poor woman, she had no idea how I'd found them. She hung up on me when I told her my name. I was very polite to her because this wasn't her fault. Who knows what he told her about me. He called back about an hour later. I didn't blame her, I blamed him, and I didn't yell or scream, just told him he had 1 month to find a new place to live. I just won't put up with that stuff, not in a boyfriend and not in a husband.
However, in my very ritzy community, I see these married gals putting up with blatant indiscretions on the parts of their husbands. They don't seem unhappy since they are well off and I guess they don't want to be left for the trophy wife. It seems awfully depressing me to me, but then again, I can't afford their clothes, cars nor plastic surgery. So it just comes down to what each individual woman wants. I suspect your booty call's gf wants drama?
I like Princessreese's take on things too. I think as a new gf we need to tell the guy "you cheat, I'm gone". I never did that with the past two cheating exes, so they both were pretty stunned when easy-going me just told him to take a hike.
Chick
That is exactly what I was trying to say in my earlier post but didn't get the message across. A woman shouldn't blame the other woman if her partner cheats because every woman in the world doesn't owe her allegiance but her partner does and the blame goes to him.
In another thread there was a lot of discussion about the book He's Just Not that Into You. The point of the author was that if women stopped putting up with the bad behaviour of men, they would either have to improve or be alone.
About all I'm going to say is that I don't think he's being a very nice guy towards YOU, either. The reason is simple- by calling the girl from your house, now he's brought YOU into THEIR relationship.
You might think you're not in it, but you are, because she's calling YOU and telling you to stay away from her guy. (As if it's your fault, but that's a different point.)
Your choice now is slightly different than it was before. Before, you were pretty clearly choosing to hook up with a guy on a FWB basis, even though you figured he probably had a woman in every city. You were okay with that, and that's fine.
Now, though, he's not just a convenient and non-demanding occasional peni$ for you to use. He comes with more problems, because there's a ticked-off woman out there who is bent out of shape every time he's with you, and she's mad at YOU and not just him.
Obviously it IS her problem- but like it or not you're involved, too.
My observation is that he's obviously not enough into you to keep his "home" life away from you; he wants you in his drama. (You can't tell me that a guy who travels that much doesn't have a cell phone to use to call home, therefore his using your phone is obviously intentional.)
I think he's a jerk- not for getting laid wherever he can, because on that count it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that he was a NSA (no strings attached) kind of guy.
I think he's a jerk because he IS bringing strings and complications into it. He wants you in his little drama, and she wants you in her little drama, and you're only going to have more misery down the road unless you put a stop to it immediately.
Even if you do, it'll probably still happen if you keep on with this guy, so I think you should tell him to leave you alone and find somewhere else to stay in your city, but something tells me you're going to do whatever you darned well please. :)
I agree I resent any semblance of drama in my life coming from a man with whom I don't intent to have a relationship.
The cell phone signal in my house SUCKS (literally if it's not in the right spot it doesn't even ring or notifiy of messages) . . . however nobody, IMO, needs to be making phone calls at 12:00 am (that just seemed WIERD to me but that's just me - the workaholic who gets up at 5am for the gym every morning so is in bed by 10). LOL but yeah - - he could have chosen to call her earlier in the evening when taking the dog for a walk or going to the store. . . Quite easily.
The "middle of the night" thing struck me as odd but perhaps she has a late ending job or something. Whatever.
Sheri - - Now I see what you meant . . . sorry. I had thought you were referring to online adds saying "single" being absolutely true and it didn't seem like anything I'd ever heard you believe before. My only thoughts with regard to his MSN and her seeing his "I don't have a girlfriend" comment is that perhaps she simply isn't online. I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me either that she could be part of his online world and "not know".
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