Women accepting Men's Indiscretions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Women accepting Men's Indiscretions
37
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 11:58am

The events of the last week have me pondering what women will and will not tolerate in a man . . . and if their tolerance of certain things makes them "insecure/desperate" or rather "realistic".

I had posted months ago about a travelling salesman that I'd had a "one night stand" with whne he was in town. Well he returns when he's in town and stays with me. We don't stay in constant contact in the month or two between visits other than an occasoinal hello on msn/text or whatever.

I am under no illusions of he and I developing a relationship. If I wanted a relationship, I don't think it'd be withhim. I'm too busy with work and school, and want a "friends with benefits" or occasional "booty call" however it HAS to be with ONE guy and not a different one every month. I won't waiver with that as my numbers are extremely low for a woman my age and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

Anyway My Question and PLEASE no flaming for this because as I said above I am under NO ILLUSIONS and have no doubt he's got a woman in every town as well as a girlfriend at home.

Last week he stayed five days (very unusual it's usually only one night) . . . it was rough for me as I am not used to the "what time are you coming home" phone calls or the pouty reaction when I'm later than I said or when I Tell him I'd be home later than he'd like (sorry babe but I see you once every month or two and am NOT alterering my life when you are here).

During those nights when I was sleeping I heard him make a couple phone calls. Hard to decipher from the bed room but the tone of voice was clearly a "girlfriend". I have to giggle at his stupidity because he'd called her from my house (using a calling card) . . the last night he was there my phone rang and I mentioned the name and he looked like deer in the headlights and didn't hit "talk" in time meaning the caller went to MY voicemail. That night I heard him call her and grovelling was at play big time. I could make out a few phrases like "I dont' go to the bar and pick different women up every time" "online personals" (how we met) "he's not going to change" "he's on the road alot" basically defending himself with no apology but at the same time he convinced her from the sounds of it . . . he confirmed she'd be at his house when he got home . . . towards the end said "you're such a sweetheart" . . . that was about all I got out of the hour and a half.

No I'm not a snoop I just don't sleep well at night and usually pace the house every couple hours through the night . . . but since he was on the phone I didn't want to come out and interrupt so I stayed there.

I did get up towards the end of the call and came out to ask for one of his sleeping pills. DIdn't let on I'd heard or anything.

I'm sorry to all women who will have issue with this but I quite frankly don't care that he see's other women or has a "relatoinship". That's not my problem it's hers. I'd always expected that at the very least he "scored" alot whether there was a permanent girl or not. And I'm sorry to defend him but I didn't hear him make any attempt to Lie to her or deny it. A few weeks ago his msn had a quote "I don't have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would be very upset if she heard me say that" . . . so I suspected that he had someone in love with him but he'd not yet made any formal committement.

So in my mind, he's not entirely in the wrong with her if they haven't vocalized exlusivity.

But the real question here and sorry for such a lenghty saga to get here but the history seems to make the questoin . . . Does it make this girl weak or realistic to be accepting this ? He seemed to convince her to see him again so I'm thinking she's very taken with him and perhaps thinks she can change the behaviour . . or she is accepting the reality that he provided her that when he's on the road he's a free agent.

I don't know if I could accept it from a man I was in love with . . . In fact I Don't think I could . . . .I couldn't handle a man that I love being sexual with someone else . . . and with this guy - he spent five days at my home . . . cooking dinner, wining dining and talking etc just like any "boyfriend" . . . that would probably bother me MORE than the idea that he was having sex with someone.

I guess there are alot of women in this world who accept cheating men. I just never can decide if it is because they are too insecure and weak to fight it . . . or if they accept it as just being part of the man they love and the circumstances.

Blah blah blah I really don't think I've made any sense in this post so I'm going to stop typing . . .

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:46pm

Hi Biochic . . . yeah I guess I am pretty unsympathetic toward someone. I believe we make our own happiness and if she chooses to accept something that makes her unhappy, it is her own choice.

I wouldn't have this unsympathetic attitude if I had ever met her. . . and I'd probably be concerned if we lived in the same town (well - definately concerned to be honest). She's at a distance . . we'll never meet (unless she throws on a diaper and drives to me town . . . lol - - - sorry, Bad Joke) . . . we'll never hang out in the same circles or bump into one another . . . so I don't feel compelled to worry about her.

I used to be alot more compassionate etc and without a doubt five years ago (probably even two years) I'd NEVER dream of a situation like this. But as I've gotten older I've witnessed so many people playing the victim card or blaming other people for the situations they allow themselves to be in.

Whats the saying ?? A person can only treat you as badly as you allow them to treat you . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 12:41am
roflmao about the diaper!!!!! Crazy, ha!?!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:47am

LOL ya that story with the diaper/astronaut was beyond believable :-)

I'm going to have to update myself on the story cause a girl at work hadn't heard it and I wasn't actually sure how it played out other than she put on a diaper to drive cross country . . . but I don't know what happened beyond that/how she got caught.

One of those things that just makes you shake your head in disbelief ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 6:17pm
I do see your point in that we are all responsible for our own happiness and no one else is going to give that to us. If there is honesty and communication on this guy's part about what's going on (which I hope there is) then it's her choice whether to stay in this situation or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:37pm

I havent read all of the posts, but I hope you are having protected sex with this guy...

jim

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:06pm

I agree with you that many people put themselves in a bad situation and then expect a great outcome. This woman is dating a good looking salesman who travels. How on earth does she not think that he will not cheat (and please no responses about your faithful bf/husband who is good looking and travels yet is faithful)? Put it this way. If I'm driving a brand new BMW in a bad neighborhood I'm not going to leave the car running with keys in it while buying a beverage at a local convenience store. If the car gets stolen...shame on me. Why do SO MANY women put themselves in a situatation where they are at a disadvantage?

I wouldn't date a man who is with someone else. But at the same time I'm not going to worry about who may be in love with him either. That's his responsibility and not mine.

I was with someone for over 4 years and it was filled with dishonesty and mistrust. We broke up and got back together many times. Now I'm at a point where I see him still but am not exclusive to him. Since I don't fully trust him I'm not going to exclude other men from my life. I would rather find someone who I don't have to change. But in the mean time I have someone to spend some time with. That's how the girlfriend should treat the salesman. Spend time with him until someone better shows up. But of course she finds him attractive and won't settle for a guy who is not as good looking but would treat her well. She gets what she deserves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:10pm

yeah what YOU said :-)

"But in the mean time I have someone to spend some time with"

That's my train of thought . . . and should be (and maybe it is) hers.

I'll have fun with the salesman until I am dumbstruck by "the one" :-)
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Oh and reply to Jim --- Yes Yes and Yes :-) Small Peanut made the same point only with a little more detail (i.e. nobody wants to kiss a condom/re:oral sex). Even there I'm safe in that there are some handy toys and lotions that allow people to simulate oral pretty darn nicely :-) We talked back when we first met that that just wouldn't be one of the pleasures of our encounters.
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